Damn that spam if it ain't in a can ...

By CHRIS BARTON

Thanks to all those readers from last week who told me about responding to spam.

My inbox is groaning with anger, despair, a need for retribution and vented spleen. Yep, we hate the stuff.

Well, I think we do - although Blair Knill, business manager for Hormel Foods New Zealand, did disrupt the prevailing sentiment: "We have numerous requests on a daily basis from the New Zealand consumer seeking ways to prepare their favourite canned meat.

"In fact, sales within New Zealand for canned Spam were up last year in excess of 140 per cent. Spam is definitely not dead."

Blair sent numerous "not dead" cans to the office. He reckons Spam is great sliced into steaks and grilled on the BBQ.

The cans' arrival was a great conversation piece - especially from the elder colleagues who recalled Spam in war rations, Spam when a poor student in London, Spam dinner at English boarding schools, even Spam fritters - slices fried in butter, apparently. I had to confess to never having tried the stuff - somehow meat in a can just doesn't do it for me, and after trying a sample I'm afraid it still doesn't.

But for many it clearly does. The extraordinary Spam-ku archive is a living testament. Here one can concentrate "on the essence of SPAMness, then write down whatever comes to mind" in Haiku verse. The categories alone are disturbing - addiction, cannibalism, love, sex, versatility. As one so lyrically puts it:

"Why is it we find

A block made of pork pieces

To be so funny?"


But there's not much humour about the junk mail spam - although the various archives, such as The Great Spam Archive or Paul's personal spam statistics - (thanks to Gerard) where people have collected all the spam they've ever received, indicate there is at least a historical fascination with the phenomenon.

Thanks also to Mike, who alerted me to the hilarious "Bernard Shifman is a Moron Spammer" site. See how self-styled spam cop Neil Schwartzman has crucified the hapless Bernie Shifman, who sent out one too many of his resumes. The site has become a pilgrimage for spam haters worldwide.

Schwartzman, a member of the SpamCon Foundation and publisher of SpamNews.com, explains: "We've all been looking for a spamming village idiot to be pilloried in the town square. Now we've been blessed with Bernie."

One surfer even wrote a one-act play based on the battle, titled Spamlet.

Poor Bernie. But rage against the spam is a fairly common reaction - at least, it was in my inbox. Like Carrie: "Asking politely didn't work. Demanding didn't work. So I went to Project Gutenberg, copied the entire text of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, Through the Looking Glass, and The Hunting of the Snark, and pasted them into the body of an e-mail. I sent it to him. I haven't gotten any mail from him since."

Or Paula "I do admit, in a moment of spam rage, to replying to a particular e-mail [it actually had a real e-mail address to respond to], a total of 1400 times in one day ... Funny, I never heard from them again!"

Or Dave, who has had some success with this creative approach: " ... if you wish to send me more spam then you AGREE to be billed for use of my ISP time. This is possible in New Zealand. Charge is $US6 per minute."

There are, of course, more genteel ways to get the bastards - like reporting them to various agencies or tracking down the sender and telling their internet provider. As most internet providers specifically forbid their subscribers to send spam, a valid complaint may get them disconnected.

But as most spammers don't use real addresses, tracking them down can be a time-consuming process. Those dedicated to fighting the good fight can read more at SpamCon.

There's also heaps of advice on the web on spam do's and don'ts.

Thanks to Interceptor - a moderator on the SuggestAFix Tech Support Forums - for this link.

For those who don't already know, you should:

* Never reply to spam. That's how spammers verify an e-mail address is active. If you do reply , you're going to receive a whole heap more.

* Never even open spam. These days some spam contains "web bugs" which notify message senders when e-mail they sent has been opened.

* Never use "mailto" address tags on the contact pages of your website. They're an invitation to harvest for the spammers' spiders - automated programs that crawl the web looking e-mail addresses. For alternatives, try Spambot Beware - Avoidance.

A number of readers also report success with programs like Mailwasher which bounce back unwanted e-mails to spammers so it looks as if your e-mail address is not valid. Which leads to a dilemma - should we continue to fight spammers with our own internet skills and resources or push for laws to make spamming illegal?

All over the world, anti-spam laws are advancing. Even though I, too, hate the stuff and am happy to take action to run spammers out of town, I don't think making spam illegal is the answer. Strange as it may sound, I think an internet without spam would be a far less interesting place.

* chris_barton@nzherald.co.nz

Spam-ku archive

The Great Spam Archive

Paul's personal spam statistics

Bernard Shifman is a Moron Spammer

SpamCon

Spambot Beware - Avoidance

Mailwasher

Spam laws