Anonymous: Fish in Tinder sea far too keen to hook up

Photo / Michael Cunningham, Northern Advocate

Opinion

A girlfriend in a long-term relationship pitched Tinder to me as this week's challenge. She doesn't have it, but she'd heard the stories. The app that matches you with hot strangers has swiped our outrage and our intrigue.

My friend needed to know what she was missing out on. Was it a vanity trip? Was she missing out on bra-rippingly good sex?

So I downloaded it, and got to work. What was it like? Could I meet men? Did I actually like it?

When I first opened it, I'd prepared for an onslaught of sin. I was waiting for photos of guys, tied up with feather boas and fairy lights and handcuffed to thrones. Instead, I got photos of fish.

One in three men on Tinder have profile photos of them clutching fish. Is the caress a subtle clue for women as to what they can expect? Is fishing the modern peacocking? Do Kiwi blokes just like pulling stuff out of the sea? God knows.

If guys aren't holding fish, they're holding iPhones in gym mirrors, their shirts are off, they're flexing. It's amazing how repulsive the vanity is.

It's a firm "no" to gym photos and even gym conversation.

You get diamonds. Like people who have funny, intelligent or quirky opening lines. But they're rare. It's more "hey gorgous, your sexy ;)". So if you're into grammar, take a deep breath.

Could I meet men?

Well, about 40 per cent of my matches opened with, "Hey, keen for drinks?" If it wasn't in the first message, it'll be there in five minutes.

(On a side note, if they haven't asked you out in five minutes, then they're one of the more interesting ones.)

The instant ask-out is the reason I can't enjoy Tinder.

In real life, you can meet people who will meet you once, then ask you on a date. It makes me freeze. Many blokes have told me not to be so uptight: "We ask you out so we can get to know you!"

But couldn't you just wait? Get to know me a little before you ask? I'm not going to morph into a pig if you just wait a few days. Otherwise, it feels like you're not in it for me, and you're in the field to try with anyone.

Tinder is the incarnation of this phenomenon. It's full of men wanting instant meetings and instant dates. You don't get the delicious build-up of daily quips at the water cooler. You don't get a chance to build intrigue or interest. You don't get anything - except mild panic at making a forced decision.

Who is this person? Are they safe? Do they have fangs and a Marmite fetish?

So yes, you get asked. But it makes you so flustered that it actively stops you going on dates with them.

Yes, it's an ego boost. And yes, it's full of people looking for sex. But if I want to pick up, I'm sticking to bars. At least in bars you can't just stop talking to someone after two messages. And if you run off after "hello" you look as if you're incontinent.