Krystal, pictured with her children and her mother, says carrying moko kauae has come with a strong sense of belonging and joy. Photo / Supplied
Krystal, pictured with her children and her mother, says carrying moko kauae has come with a strong sense of belonging and joy. Photo / Supplied
"He Māori ahau. I am Māori."
With level 2 restrictions in place, when Krystal Burrell walks into a Stratford cafe with her mask on, her mid-brown hair, green eyes, and pale brows and lashes are an instant indicator of her Irish heritage.
As she takes her mask off and her moko kauae becomes visible, her Māori heritage takes centre stage.
Growing up as, in her words, "a non-Māori-looking Māori", Krystal wasn't exposed to the same racism other members of her whānau were, she says, but since choosing to receive moko kauae she has had her eyes opened to the privilege she had unknowingly grown up with.
"It makes me stronger. Before carrying moko kauae I did not feel fully one thing or the other. Now it marks me, literally, as being wāhine Māori, of being tangata whenua."
With Irish heritage from her mother's side of the family, and Māori heritage from her father's, Krystal (Ngāti Mutunga and Ngāi Tahu) says at times she felt neither truly Pākehā nor truly Māori.
"I didn't belong in a way. I always felt I wasn't enough. I wasn't Māori enough, but nor was I fully Pākehā. I was me, somewhere in the middle, neither one nor the other."
Before she carried moko kauae, Krystal looked more like the Irish side of her family than the Māori side. Photo / Supplied
While her heritage was as much Māori as it was Pākehā, experiences of hurt and inequality were carried through her Māori bloodlines, passed from generation to generation and leaving silence in place of language. She grew up without knowing much of her whakapapa.
Her paternal grandmother was from a generation for whom te reo wasn't encouraged.
"She wasn't allowed to speak te reo at home, at school, to her husband. So my father, my uncles and aunts grew up without that connection, without the language."
This all added to Krystal's sense of "not being enough".
It was a "very wise kuia", says Krystal, who helped her change her thinking.
"She said to me, 'you do not have to be one or the other, you sit in both and that is your place', it made me realise that I didn't have to choose one or the other. That I was enough."
Krystal says the process was almost completely pain-free. Photo / Supplied
As Krystal began to explore her whakapapa, to reclaim her heritage and her language, she began to think about moko kauae.
"I didn't think I was worthy though. I felt it was something to be earned, that I had to be more than I was to carry it."
Slowly, she began to understand moko kauae was her right, she says.
"It is our right as wāhine Māori to wear moko kauae and it is our decision to make to do so. It is very personal, and it is something only you can decide upon."
It is also an act of rebellion or resistance in a way, she say - of claiming back what was for so many years pushed down and hidden.
"It also builds a clear connection. I never forget I carry it. I represent my tīpuna in everything I do. In my mahi, in my parenting, in everything I do, I represent my whakapapa and it drives me to carry myself well, for I am more than just me now and what I do reflects on them all."
It was three years ago, aware that a mokopapa was planned in Taranaki, Krystal talked to her whānau and decided it was the right time to carry moko kauae.
The day itself was, says Krystal, "just incredibly powerful and beautiful".
"There were five of us that day, and people were massaging our feet, there were poi, waiata, it was just so special and so very beautiful."
The day was emotional but also empowering, says Krystal. Photo / Supplied
She says she didn't even feel pain.
"Only maybe as it was being done on my ngutu [lip], but that was it."
Any last-minute doubts she may have had were expelled days beforehand, when her paternal grandmother visited her in a dream.
"She was behind me, looking over my shoulder as I looked into a mirror. As I looked, under her gaze, I saw the moko kauae appear on my chin, and it felt so right, I knew this was the time for me."
As the tohunga-tā-moko finished etching the intricate design on Krystal's chin and lip, she says she remembers a feeling of absolute belonging washing through her whole body.
Three years later, she clearly remembers the first words she spoke as she sat up afterwards.
