OPINION:
The Olympics is great because you go into the Games not knowing much about the sports or athletes competing, but end up coming out of the two weeks of pure sporting drama emotionally invested in a balding Moldovan Greco-Roman wrestler and an expert in the nuances of the gymnastics back handspring.
But not all Olympic sports are created equal.
With several new sports being added to the Tokyo edition, the burning question remains: What is the best Olympic sport?
Here's every sport at the Tokyo Olympics ranked, from worst to best, split into six tiers.
The criteria:
1. Entertainment value
2. Olympic history and prestige
3. Is it the pinnacle of the sport?
4. Negative points if my grandma could do it (*cough* race walking *cough*)
69. Basketball 3x3 - new sport
What is Basketball 3x3 you ask? Well, it's normal basketball, which is still in the Olympics, but played with only three players per team, half the court, and none of the best players in the world. That'll be a pass for me.
Gold medals available: 2
68. Race walking
Yeah na, this is a pretty ridiculous sport.
Gold medals available: 3
67. Baseball - returning sport
Only six nations are competing – probably the only six to play this sport – and it's in the middle of the MLB season. Seriously, what's the point?
Gold medals available: 1
66. Softball - returning sport
Better than baseball (at the Olympics, not as a sport in general – it's not) because you're probably getting a higher calibre of athlete competing at the Games. Still, why isn't there a women's baseball or men's softball? Regardless, they still shouldn't be at the Olympics.
Gold medals available: 1
65. Swimming (marathon)
There's a reason why the word marathon is often used as a pejorative. It's a slog, it's a grind, it's not that fun to watch – especially when the marathon you're referring to doesn't include Eliud Kipchoge.
Gold medals available: 2
64. Triathlon
Yeah, yeah, you guys are fit. Good for you.
Gold medals available: 3
63. Karate - new sport
Martial arts events are usually pretty dull. And after watching mixed martial arts, it's hard to go back if you're not a purist.
Gold medals available: 8
62. Taekwondo
Ditto.
Gold medals available: 8
61. Judo
Ditto, but sometimes in Judo, you get sick throws.
Gold medals available: 15
60. Wrestling
Ditto, but sometimes in wrestling, you get sick slams.
Gold medals available: 18
59. Sailing
I've still got America's Cup PTSD. Sorry, but I might have to gybe out of the way when this is on. I'm sure Blair Tuke and Peter Burling are very good at doing sailing things.
Gold medals available: 10
58. Shooting
Guns? In this economy?!
Gold medals available: 15
57. Golf
It made a return to the Olympics at Rio 2016, but I couldn't tell you who won gold. (Google tells me it was Sweden's Henrik Stenson.) I'm sure golfers would love to represent their country and get a medal to add to their trophy room, but it has nothing on the prestige and history of a major.
Gold medals available: 2
56. Tennis
Same thing as golf, every athlete would prefer a grand slam over a gold medal. Australian superstar Nick Kyrgios couldn't even be bothered going to Tokyo, saying "playing in front of empty stadiums just doesn't sit right with me". But if Olympic tennis actually mattered, he'd be there. It beats golf because doubles tennis – inferior to singles but, hey, they're still pretty good athletes with a slightly different skillset – gets a bit more of a spotlight at the Olympics.
Gold medals available: 5
55. Cycling (road cycling)
The Tour de France ends like a week before the Olympics and some cyclists are trying to do both. But again, a grand tour is always more important for these athletes and they probably wouldn't be at peak performance in Tokyo. One thing about the Olympics though, the winner gets to wear a golden helmet on tour for the next four years. So that's pretty cool.
Gold medals available: 4
54. Cycling (mountain biking)
This is basically road cycling but over cross-country terrain. Gets boring after a while, but it looks pretty fun to do.
Gold medals available: 2
53. Beach volleyball
Hot people doing things in the sun, but I mean, it's an inferior version of volleyball. Beach sports in general kinda suck.
Gold medals available: 2
52. Football
We've just had the Euros, one of the greatest tournaments in recent memory, so Olympics football is bound to be a drop in quality. It is also nowhere near the pinnacle of the sport. It's still the beautiful game, just not as beautiful.
Gold medals available: 2
51. Equestrian (jumping)
Horses jumping around. Sure, I guess I like horses.
Gold medals available: 2
50. Equestrian (dressage)
Horse dancing > break dancing (which will become an Olympic sport in the 2024 Paris Games).
Gold medals available: 2
50. Equestrian (eventing)
Horses jumping around AND horses dancing AND horses doing cross-country stuff and whatever else is in eventing. So you're telling me the winner is the best overall horse?
Gold medals available: 2
49. Gymnastics (rhythmic)
Just feels like a lot of tossing things into the air and catching it to me, with the occasional flip.
Gold medals available: 2
48. Marathon
Give me a three-minute highlights package of Kipchoge being superhuman. Besides that, I'm good. While you're here, check out my colleague trying to run as fast as Kipchoge for just 1km – it wasn't easy.
Gold medals available: 2
47. Water polo
A good sport on paper, but really not that fun to watch.
Gold medals available: 2
46. Canoeing (slalom)
New Zealand is pretty good at the slalom because we are blessed with some great rivers. But as a sport, slalom just isn't that great to watch, unfortunately.
Gold medals available: 4
45. Fencing
Another great sport in theory, but not a great spectator sport. You can't really tell what's going on.
Gold medals available: 12
44. Cycling (BMX racing)
No offense to the great Sarah Walker, but BMX racing kinda looks like you're watching children ride bikes around a course.
Gold medals available: 2
43. Decathlon/Heptathlon
The winners of the decathlon (men) and heptathlon (women) are labelled the greatest athletes in the world, I guess because they can do a lot of different disciplines quite well. But the Olympics is about greatness, not being pretty good at many things.
Gold medals available: 2
42. Field hockey
Is it the pinnacle of the sport? Maybe? Regardless, the gold medal matches are usually a good time.
Gold medals available: 2
41. Gymnastics (trampoline)
This is basically diving without the water, with the diminishing returns of seeing flips over and over again.
Gold medals available: 2
40. Artistic swimming
It's no longer called synchronised swimming. It is now art. It's a pretty crazy sport – dancing underwater, occasionally popping up and smiling. So crazy, it might work.
Gold medals available: 2
39. Sport climbing - new sport
This used to be a staple of the X Games, but it feels more like Ninja Warrior than sport. They've even added "sport" in front of climbing, in an attempt to convince you it's a sport. It's still pretty entertaining, though.
Gold medals available: 2
38. Cycling (BMX freestyle) - new sport
So the Olympics are trying to be the X Games? It remains to be seen if these new additions to appeal to young people will work. It just doesn't feel very Olympics-y, but we'll give it a shot.
Gold medals available: 2
37. Surfing - new sport
Another new addition to Tokyo and sure, why not. I've always found understanding professional surfing a bit difficult as someone who has surfed twice in his life – they all look like they're doing cool things on their boards to me. But it's probably a solid addition to the Games.
Gold medals available: 2
36. Skateboarding - new sport
Yeah, skateboarding is still cool. Is it Olympics cool? We'll see.
Gold medals available: 4
35. 3000m steeplechase
Horse racing, but with humans? I've got to see this.
Gold medals available: 2
34. Rugby sevens
The only reason sevens is this high on the list is because of the Black Ferns. It's a chance to see one of the most dominant teams in the world do their thing. And yes, it's probably the pinnacle of the sport. Otherwise, sevens can get pretty dry.
Gold medals available: 2
33. Basketball
Not all of the best NBA and WNBA players are at this Olympics, but just for the spectacle of Team USA and the history of the Dream Team, it makes the cut as a "good Olympic sport". And there's always potential for an upset, especially this year after Nigeria and Australia both beat the USA men in warm-up games.
Gold medals available: 2
32. Boxing
The Olympics is the pinnacle of amateur boxing and has a strong history of building boxing superstars. Plus, watching people punch each other in the face is always fun.
Gold medals available: 13
31. Badminton
Fast-paced racket action with even better grunts than tennis.
Gold medals available: 5
30. Modern pentathlon
The sport is inspired by the traditional pentathlon of the ancient Olympics, which included events that were patterned on the skills needed by an ideal Greek soldier of the era. The modern version involves fencing, swimming, equestrian show jumping, pistol shooting, and cross-country running. It's the Olympics' Hunger Games!
Gold medals available: 2
29. Canoe (sprint)
A very good Olympic sport, but probably not as good as rowing.
Gold medals available: 12
28. Rowing
It's just more popular and slightly more aesthetically pleasing than canoeing. Sorry, canoeing stans.
Gold medals available: 14
27. Archery
A modern take on an ancient art form. And it gets surprisingly tense.
Gold medals available: 5
26. Volleyball
The second best "rally" Olympic sport, behind table tennis.
Gold medals available: 2
25. Weightlifting
This shouldn't be a fun sport to watch, but it somehow is. My grandma could definitely not do anything close to this, and neither could 99.99 per cent of the world. It will also be the arena where Olympic history is made when Kiwi Laurel Hubbard becomes the first transgender athlete to compete at the Games.
Gold medals available: 14
24. Handball
The entire world loves handball once every four years. It's basically netball and football, in one sport.
Gold medals available: 2
23. Triple jump
This probably should be lower down the list. When does anyone in the real world ever have to hop, skip and jump like that? It's super awkward. Saying that, it's still pretty crazy how far these athletes can (triple) jump:
Jumping for joy! The women's triple jump through recent history...#StrongerTogether pic.twitter.com/MLOdRWIcdX
— The Olympic Games (@Olympics) July 7, 2021
Gold medals available: 2
22. Discus throw
Discus is definitely the worst out of the three big-humans-throwing-things events. But just imagine what these athletes could do in the great sport that is ultimate frisbee.
Gold medals available: 2
21. Hammer throw
Hammer throw, weirdly, got thrust into controversy last month during the US Olympic trials. While standing on the podium, American hammer thrower Gwen Berry faced away from the flag when the "Star Spangled Banner" played in the background and draped a T-shirt that read "athlete activist" over her head. She said she was protesting systemic racism and violence. But of course, people mistook this for being unpatriotic, whatever that means. Anyway, it will be interesting to see how athletes, like Berry, will approach athlete activism in Tokyo with the Olympic's ridiculous protest ban. As for hammer throw itself, yeah I guess it's pretty cool.
Gold medals available: 2
20. Shot put
It's the purest form of the strength-based field events (here, pick up this heavy ball and throw it as far as you can) and it's probably why "100 per cent pure New Zealand" will have two medal contenders at Tokyo in Dame Valerie Adams and Tom Walsh.
Gold medals available: 2
19. Pole vault
The world record for the men's pole vault is 6.18m, set earlier this year by Sweden's Armand Duplantis. That's basically jumping over a two-story house!
Gold medals available: 2
18. Javelin throw
Olympics: Game of Thrones edition. Let's just hope we don't see a repeat of this:
Gold medals available: 2
17. Long jump
Probably the closest thing to seeing humans fly.
Gold medals available: 2
16. High jump
High jump is clearly the best field event. It's not even close. Fun fact: American Dick Fosbury was the first athlete to jump backwards in the event at the 1968 Mexico Olympics. He won gold and also completely revolutionised the sport.
Gold medals available: 2
15. Track (long distance)
There's a bit more strategy involved in long-distance track (5000m and 10,000m) than in the middle distances and sprints. And it's not too long that you get bored after a while.
Gold medals available: 4
14. Swimming (backstroke)
The least aesthetically pleasing stroke, by far. But swimming is such a great Olympic sport that even the worst stroke deserves a high ranking.
Gold medals available: 4
13. Diving
Come for the athletic prowess, stay for the diving face memes.
Gold medals available: 8
12. Swimming (butterfly)
It looks dumb when an ordinary person who isn't Michael Phelps tries this stroke in a pool, and I don't even know why it exists. It just seems strange and unnecessary. But it definitely looks cool when the pros do it.
Gold medals available: 4
11. Swimming (breaststroke)
The slowest but also most underrated swimming stroke. I mean, frogs swim like this! It's in our evolutionary code!
Gold medals available: 4
10. Table tennis
Just watch this for a taster of what's to come:
Check out this incredible table tennis 🏓 rally for some #MondayMotivation!@ittfworld pic.twitter.com/RPXmtH2Pow
— The Olympic Games (@Olympics) February 8, 2021
Gold medals available: 5
9. Cycling (track cycling)
If you love fast-paced racing events, and occasionally not knowing what's going on, then track cycling is for you.
Gold medals available: 12
8. Swimming (freestyle)
The purest form of swimming.
Gold medals available: 12
7. Track (middle distance)
Middle distance events include the 800m and 1500m. It isn't as fast-paced as sprints, but still pretty awesome to watch. Kiwi Nick Willis, who qualified for a record-breaking fifth Games campaign by the slimmest margin possible, will compete in the 1500m in Tokyo.
Gold medals available: 4
6. Track (hurdles)
Have you seen how high actual hurdles are? Wild.
Gold medals available: 2 (men's 110m and women's 100m)
5. Swimming (individual medley)
I know what I said about the decathlon and heptathlon, but the individual medley feels different. It's just an absolute banger of an Olympic sport. Plus, New Zealand has a legitimate medal chance in Lewis Clareburt.
Gold medals available: 4
4. Swimming (relays)
One of the greatest comebacks in sport was in the 2008 Beijing 4x100 freestyle relay, where USA came from behind to claim gold thanks to a ridiculous final leg from Jason Lezak. The Americans broke the world record, but most importantly for Michael Phelps, it secured his eighth gold medal of the Games, beating his compatriot Mark Spitz's record of most first-place finishes at any single Olympics. Phelps' reaction says it all.
What a sporting moment. What a sport.
Gold medals available: 7
3. Track (relays)
From an entertainment value perspective, this could be the most fun event to watch at the Olympics. Unfortunately, this year is looking like a whitewash for the Americans in the men's relay. Trayvon Bromell, who ran a 9.77 in June, is the favourite going into the men's 100m (more on that later), followed by teammates Ronnie Baker and Fred Kerley. The women's relays should be more open.
Gold medals available: 5
2. Gymnastics (artistic)
Two words: Simone Biles. If there was one athlete to watch in all of the Tokyo Olympics, it would be Biles. The 24-year-old American hasn't lost an all-around competition since 2013, during which she's claimed 19 world championship golds and four Olympic golds. And she's getting better. Good luck everyone else, you'll need it.
this angle of simone biles is 🤯 pic.twitter.com/yd4mwPRRzH
— whitney medworth (@its_whitney) July 11, 2021
Gold medals available: 14
1. Track (sprints)
Almost everyone runs or has run in their life. The fact that we get to witness the fastest men and women on the planet compete against each other in this most basic, natural human activity is what makes the Olympics great. The three Americans I mentioned above head into Tokyo as the favourites in the men's 100m. On the women's side, Jamaica's Shelly-Ann Fraser-Pryce, who ran the second-fastest women's 100m time in history in June, is the one to beat. But she lost to British sprinter Dina Asher-Smith this year, so who knows. American Sha'Carri Richardson would've been among the contenders until she fell victim to professional sport's ridiculous war on drugs.
Gold medals available: 6
The Aussie breakdancer on why she decided to call it a day.