That Guy: Useless player to cash out in lucrative rugby deal

Dan Carter has heard about Leigh's deal but prefers to concentrate on his own world. Photo / Getty Images

I can now reveal the facts about my rugby-playing future, confirming what many of you have been saying over the past few weeks.

Yes, after the Rugby World Cup I will be leaving New Zealand to play at a variety of different clubs worldwide. This date may need to move forward if I manage to rent my house out over the period of the Cup.

In an unprecedented deal, my agent Dean Thompson has managed to secure me a series of contracts designed to suit the specific needs of a 40-year-old man with average ability and interest in playing rugby.

I cannot reveal too many details about the contracts as some of them need to be finalised - and two of them are being looked at by the Serious Fraud Office - but, in a nutshell, they are structured around the amount of money I will be paid once I am injured.

My agent also handles some big-name players, one of whom may have secured a record-breaking deal overseas. I am not at liberty to disclose who that player is but if you said, "Is it Dan Carter?" I would have to say, "You've got me, yes it is."

My agent, who is one of the most creative in the business, was able to factor me in on the back of Dan's deal.

We can liken the deal to a situation where a broadcaster such as TVNZ pays big money for shows such as Desperate Housewives and American Idol, but has to take the entire back catalogue of Hogan's Heroes or Last of the Summer Wine as well.

It is fair to say that my deal is far more complicated than Dan's on paper as I have to play for clubs in France, Italy, Spain, the United Kingdom and Japan pretty much at the same time.

Logistically this seems impossible, but my schedule has been planned meticulously to take advantage of time zones, currency exchange rates, doctors' notes and body doubles.

Plus, it is structured around the premise that the less I actually play the longer my contract will last.

Dan has stated that he prefers to know as little about my deal as possible.

"I have heard about Leigh's deal but I prefer to concentrate on what's going on in my world," said Dan. "We may have a few beers on the plane but that will be about it."

He has categorically denied that we are being sold as a package, even though the facts suggest otherwise.

Apparently Dan and I will leave New Zealand on the same plane but at Wings Airport Bar in Singapore airport we will shake hands and part ways.

Although I have been signed to these clubs it is unlikely I will ever actually play for them, as I will get injured shortly after the final contracts have been signed. But everybody is a winner as the clubs are insured against such events and, as a player, I am insured for far more than I am probably worth.

Once you take into account that each club has their own policy on me it is a lucrative proposition all round.

I will be taking home more than $2 million a year over three years. Admittedly, it will work much like a standard pyramid scheme and eventually somebody will need to pay the bill - but, according to the way it has been explained to me, it won't be any of us.

You could say it is robbing Peter to pay Paul but it's actually robbing Perpignon to pay Toulouse. My contract also includes a little coaching and sabbatical-type activities such as visiting tourist attractions, drinking with the locals and pretending to learn various languages.

My agent prefers not to comment on any of this. In fact, he went as far as to say he would deny any knowledge of it should it ever come up.

Technically I am supposed to be doing the same but until the first payment from Japan comes through on Thursday week I need the cash, and writing my column is one way of getting some.

I am yet to decide whether I will continue my column from overseas.

Editor's note: Leigh, how many times have I told you not to get the readers' hopes up?