Martin Devlin: Things that will definitely happen at the Australian Open

Name: Martin Devlin's We Need to Talk - 17 January
Uploaded: 2019-01-17T13:38:08+13:00
Duration: 121 s
Description: Martin Devlin's We Need to Talk - 17 January

NZ Herald

17 Jan, 2019 05:00 AM2 mins to read

Martin Devlin's We Need to Talk - 17 January

COMMENT

A list of things that will definitely happen at the Australian Tennis Open:

• Some people will complain about the heat.

• Other people, while acknowledging the 38 deg stifling temperatures, will remind those people that this happens round about the same time every year, it's called summer.

• Nick Krygios will make an early exit once again disappointing his legion of home fans. Oh, that's right, he already has.

• Bernard Tomic will make an early exit once again disappointing his legion of home fans. Oh, that's right, he already has.

• Some Richard Head in the crowd will take along a sign saying "Marry Me Caroline" aimed obviously at Ms Caroline Wozniacki.

• This idiot will also believe he's the first and only moron ever to do this.

• The stadium DJ, aka Richard Head, will play "Sweet Caroline" during at least one of her post-match interviews.

• This oxygen thief will also believe he's the first and only knob ever to do this.

• Meanwhile a whole group of Richard Heads all dressed in yellow will stand every 10 minutes to bore everyone with another rendition of "Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie, Oi Oi Oi".

• These tossers genuinely believe they are the first ever geniuses to ever do this.

• While everyone else around them just wishes they could be deported alongside that lovable Liverpool family who visited our shores recently.

• In fact, be honest, who didn't naturally assume they were from Queensland anyway?

• Someone else will moan about the heat.

• Serena will wear something on-court that only Serena could ever wear.

• Leaving many of us wondering, and hoping, that Wimbledon has ditched its all-whites-only policy because that green jumpsuit would look right nice next to centre-court's natural grass growth.

• And finally, if Serena wins title #24 and clinches the record, not a single solitary gripe will be heard from her about prejudice, sexism, racism, patronizing male attitudes, injustice, oppressive slave-masters or umpires either on-court or off.

• Although she may mention the heat...