KEY POINTS:
The Australian Open. Day One.
How peaceful. Jelena Jankovic beat Yvonne Meusburger and we could have screamed in delight. Because there was no screaming.
The Aussie Open has been robbed of a load of decibels with Maria Sharapova's injury-forced absence. Sharapova can crack the ton when it comes to decibel levels, which by way of comparison is way above what the speedway mob are allowed to impose upon the citizens around the Western Springs track.
Screaming women tennis players are a blight on the big tournaments for those of us who find their verbal volleys almost unbearable.
Yet Jankovic, the world number one, provided a wonderful reminder that top women tennis players can perform without screaming like a banshee every time they hit the ball.
Unfortunately, the Williams sisters and a few other grunters are in town and sure enough, the yelping Elena Dementieva turned up to break the peace yesterday afternoon.
The Russian squeals before she actually hits the ball, including on service, which rubs out the claim that the loud ones are simply expelling air at the point of impact.
Next it was the turn of Serena Williams', not as sonically demented as Elena but still the Michigan moaner who can admit a yelp with the worst of them when she wants.
It's a pity the tennis rule makers can't find a way to silence the shouters.
Moaning Monica Seles was once told to belt up before a Wimbledon final and duly put a sock in the gob, which proves it can be done, although it didn't help her that day.
But try telling Serena Williams what to do and she'd probably pack up her diamonds and high-tail it back to the celebrity circuit.
Former players have gone as far to suggest that the yellers are cheating by distracting opponents and making it harder to tune in precisely to when racket and ball connect. I can't speak to that, but tennis spectators would have a ball without the racket.
* * *
The Highlanders aren't spoiled for choice in the leadership department but Glenn Moore's decision to appoint Jimmy Cowan as captain defies belief.
I'm not making any moral judgment here, but Cowan clearly has a booze problem to deal with. Landing the captaincy on a young man who may have reached such a difficult and major crossroad in his life hardly seems sensible. It will only add to the pressure and leading the Highlanders is not a bed of roses anyway. I've already read a few stories suggesting that Cowan has put his problems behind him. Phrases like "remarkable comeback", and "turned himself around" have been thrown around as easy as bar-room banter. I hope they are true, that he has found contentment. Yet Cowan may only have his mask on straight for now. Cowan's very public ale travails were just six months ago - a cloak of responsibility won't miraculously wave his basic problem away. It is a risk for the depleted Highlanders as well.
* * *
Stacey Jones v Nathan Fien - it's a healthy problem at halfback for the Warriors going into the 2009 season.
Fien has been denied the chance to sign for Huddersfield by the Auckland club but the fact that he wanted out doesn't exactly bode well for his NRL starting chances this season.
Whatever happened to his love of the Kiwi way of life, you have to ask. The little Aussie waxed lyrical about his connection to all things Kiwi during the Grannygate scandal of 2006.
The sight of Stacey Jones lacing up his boots again had him hankering for Huddersfield though. If this was the Jones of old, Fien wouldn't have stood a chance. But with Jones probably past his prime, especially by the modern standards of longevity, it's surprising that Kiwi World Cup winner Fien - who also has utility value - tried to run up the white flag so quickly.
Maybe he knows something the rest of us won't quite accept yet, that Jones is just about certain to wear the No7 jersey, leaving Fien on the bench.
