Baby Beaver (played by Andy Serkis in CGI), snatches a milk bottle, throws the dummy, er, throws the other dummy and puts an expert fend on the midwife.
Beaver's dad: "Hmmm ..."
Montage scene shows Beaver growing up, learning to pass and kick, doing push-ups.
Beaver (now played by Justin Bieber) is on a training run with his dad: "So you're saying it's entirely possible that some day while everyone is cheering on some underwear model from [spits] Canterbury [spits], I'll be called upon to nail the Most Crucial Penalty Goal in Human History?"
Beaver's dad: "Yup."
Voice from the neighbour's house: "Keep it down, wouldya! I'm trying to watch Jeff Wilson vomit his ringpiece out on the sidelines here ..."
More montage shots of a shirtless, chiselled and very handsome Beaver doing push-ups, reading Sun Tzu and helping old ladies across the road.
Beaver (now played by Justin Timberlake): "So you're saying that even though the entire nation - except the people of Waiuku - may come to jeer me and laugh at my name, I might still have to nail the Most Crucial Penalty Goal in Human History ... for them?"
Beaver's dad: "Yup."
Voice from the neighbour's house: "Keep it down, wouldya! I'm trying to watch a bunch of Frenchmen breach the Geneva Convention on eye-gouging while Taine Randall scratches his head here..."
More montage shots of Beaver pumping iron, practising goalkicking and working on a cure for cancer.
Beaver (now played by Ryan Gosling): "So you're saying that despite being dumped for Colin Slade, a bloke who wouldn't know the arse of a whitebait from its mouth, it could still be left to me to nail the Most Crucial Penalty Goal in Human History?"
Beaver's dad: "Yup."
Voice from the neighbour's house: "Keep it down, wouldya! I'm trying to watch a very, very average Wallaby team demonstrate to Carlos Spencer one or two key things about the threat of intercept passes here."
More montage shots of Beaver practising his penalty kicks, rehearsing the haka in the shower and rescuing children from a burning orphanage.
Beaver: "So you're saying that a cretinous coach could get a knighthood, even after dumping me, provided I come back into the side and nail the Most Crucial Penalty Goal in Human History?"
Beaver's dad: "Yup."
Voice from the neighbour's house: "Keep it down, wouldya! I'm trying to watch an English teenager with a whistle carve the word 'Cardiff' into the darkest realm of our national psyche here..."
Scene 2
Exterior - Our shirtless, tanned hero is wrestling a school of sharks in the Waikato Riviera when his phone rings.
Beaver (now played by Brad Pitt) answers the phone: "Yeah gidday."
Sir Graham Henry (played by Sir Anthony Hopkins): "Beaver. I was wrong. And I'm sorry. On behalf of the nation ... I beg you - forgive me. Forgive my selectorial whims for I knew not what I was doing. I never thought the underwear model from [spits] Canterbury [spits] would get injured like that."
Beaver: "Mate, you dropped me for Colin Slade. He wouldn't know the arse of a whitebait from its mouth."
SGH: "Beaver - your nation needs you. What would Hillary and Upham do in your situation?"
Beaver: "Er, climb a mountain? Kill some Germans?"
SGH: "That's the spirit, son! But Frenchmen, not Germans, OK? ... "
Beaver: "I dunno Ted, I'm out of shape ... "
SGH: "Nonsense. All Waiuku men are natural athletes - known fact. Just look at Jim Coe."
Beaver looks down the riverbank at Jim Coe (played by Arnold Schwarzenegger), who is also whitebaiting. Coe winks at him and gives him the 'W' for 'Waiuku' - not 'Westside' - gangsta salute.
Beaver: "Mate, you probably haven't even got a jersey in my size."
SGH: "Yeah, look, about the jersey size..."
Scene 3
Exterior - Eden Park. A Stadium of Four Million holds its breath, soils its pants and prepares to swear off this stupid game for four more years.
Thierry Dusautoir (played by Cliff Curtis) emerges from a ruck, his hand festooned in eyeballs: "Sacre bleu! 'Beaver' is - 'ow you say - awesome! We're in the merde, messieurs!"
Beaver knocks over the Most Crucial Penalty Goal in Human History. The crowd goes into Beaver Fever.
Every single person from Waiuku (played by themselves) looks directly into camera: "Told you so."
The final whistle sounds. The crowd goes nuts.
Richie McCaw (played by Karl Urban): "Good on ya, Beaver! Couldn't have done it without ya, mate!"
Beaver (mumbling): "I know you couldn't have, you stupid prick, so why did you drop me?"
McCaw: "What's that?"
Beaver (loudly): "Just said I'm always happy to help the team, Richie ..."
Closing shot
The people of Waiuku throng down Queen St, the ecstatic horde stretching all the way from the Kentish Hotel, past the War Memorial Hall and almost to the Presbyterian op shop. Beaver is carried through the crowd on the shoulders of Jim Coe and Alan Dawson (played by Tom Selleck).
As the end credits roll, our hero is seen returning to his whitebaiting spot on the sun-drenched shores of the Waikato Riviera. His phone rings.
Beaver: "Yeah gidday."
Steve Hansen (played by John Goodman): "Beaver, about 2015 ..."
Script sourced by Winston Aldworth
