Crazy happenings from another week on Planet Sport...
Jammy Oz take on Poms
How the mighty have fallen. With the bitter ashes of, er, Ashes defeat still in the air, Australia turns to marmalade in an effort to get one over the Poms.
"We decided that the fact we hadn't done very well at all with the cricket [meant] we had to beat the Poms at something else," says Russell Luckcock, of Buninyong, Victoria. "Buninyong is going to beat the Poms at their own game."
That game? Marmalade making.
Locals have entered 11 jars of orangey goodness in a competition in Cumbria they're calling the "MarmalAshes".
Jane Hasell-McCosh, of the Cumbria Women's Institute, backs her ladies' preserves and has proposed a ritual burning of wooden spoons.
Sexismgate
British comedian Frankie Boyle gets the last word on Sky's sexism row that cost Andy Gray and Richard Keys their jobs.
"Gray is the type of man who believes there is no place in football for women," Boyle wrote in The Sun. "Which is just plain wrong. Who are they supposed to roast?"
Cricket chuckles
More winners from our Sideswipe-esque attempt to get readers to produce our copy. The following cricketing gags get each of their senders two tickets to see the Black Caps take on Pakistan at Eden Park tomorrow. Enjoy.
This from Navdeep Singh:
Back in the pavilion, the batsman was talking to a teammate. "I can't understand it," he said. "The ball hit my head and the wicket-keeper caught it, but the umpire gave me out." His friend looked sympathetic. "Sometimes they go by sound."
Steve Donovan made the cut with a Mr Ed-themed gem.
Trigger, the cricket-playing horse, is selected for the Black Caps and named to open alongside Brendon McCullum. Facing the first over, Trigger hits 4, 4, 6, 4 and 6. Off the last ball, he edges it to third man, McCullum sets off for the easy single, but Trigger stands his ground and McCullum is run out.
Fuming, as he passes Trigger he says: "Why didn't you run?" "Run?" says the horse. "If I could run I would be at Ellerslie!"
Mark Dougherty has a bit of Punter-baiting fun.
Ricky Ponting walks into Burger King and asks for two Whoppers.
The girl pauses for a minute, before saying: "You're respected the world over as a paragon of sportsmanship and your best days are ahead of you!
"Would you like fries with that?"
It wouldn't be SuperShorts without some condom-themed japery. Take it away Dean Parker, who might be a little too red-faced to claim his tickets.
Two young jokers stand outside a chemist shop. In the window is a poster: "Free ticket inside to see the Black Caps."
"Go on," says one to the other.
The young joker goes inside and approaches the counter. A pretty girl appears. "Can I help you?" she says. The young joker goes bright red.
"Umm ... packet of condoms, please."
We're giving the last pair of tickets to Michael Jaffray.
"You're looking glum."
"Yes, my doctor says I can't play cricket."
"Really? I didn't know he'd ever seen you play."
Tweet of the week
RealEricYoung: "When Tony Mundine says Sonny Bill Williams could be as good as Ali, do you think he meant Ali Ikram?"
They said it
"I'm not an enemy of golf. I'm not an enemy of any sport."
Venezuela's President Hugo Chavez
"With a woman in charge, players will be thinking, 'You know nothing about football.' Also, let's face it, women have periods and we all know how hormones affect them. Would women refs be banned during their 'time of the month' because they might be more emotional, depressed or aggressive?"
Sun pundit Perry Groves rating Amy Fearn's impact as the first woman to referee a league game, in February last year.
"This is not about an apology for me, but about an apology for all women. Richard represents views that myself and those who work in football find totally dinosaur."
West Ham chief executive Karren Brady on the sexist utterances of Richard Keys at Sky TV. No word as yet on what she thinks of her bosses at West Ham, David Gold and David Sullivan, who made their money in the magazine trade, with titles such as Butt Babes and Hardcore Housewives.
"My head is only with Liverpool. I have not considered leaving; I am professional and always fulfil my deals. Now, more than ever, we need to stick together."
Striker Fernando Torres, back on January 9. Touching words.
"I'm the only gay referee in [the league], I'm sure of it. Everybody mistakes me for a woman as I look just like one, and I dress like one for parties and discos. But there's never prejudice from players; they don't abuse me, call me a gay boy or a bitch. They just stick to football and call me a thief."
Brazilian soccer referee Valerio Fernandes just gets regular abuse.
"Them n*****s never speak to a n*****. They don't chuck me the deuce or nothing. N***** spent all that money on them f***ing tickets ... . Come holler at me. We sit right by them little bitch-ass n*****s. At least ask me why I'm not rooting for you."
Rapper Lil Wayne wants to feel the love from Miami Heat's Le Bron James and Dwayne Wade.
Good week
Bangladeshi beggars
Disabled beggars in Chittagong are being paid the princely sum of $2 a day not to beg during the World Cup. Paid leave from the old coal face while the cricket's on! Brilliant!
Bad week
Ryan Tandy
The Bulldogs prop could face up to five years in jail over his role in an alleged betting sting. He's charged with giving false information to the New South Wales Crime Commission.
The number
$471m
The total January transfer window spending of English soccer clubs. Up $105m on 2008's previous record blowout. Recession? What recession?
Email: supersport@nzherald.co.nz; Twitter: SuperShortsNZ
