Mile-high action and Uncle Vasya in another week on Planet Sport
Up in the air
The Twittersphere almost imploded on Wednesday with rumours about Tim Southee's behaviour aboard an Emirates jet. While not for a moment suggesting he actually joined the Mile High Club, SuperShorts acknowledges the MHC's lifetime president: the great David Martz, who joined in 2009. A pilot, Martz was flying a helicopter belonging to rocker Tommy Lee over San Diego when he completed his MHC initiation with a passenger who just happened to be a porn actress called Puma Swede.
After his chopper (ahem) was seen weaving about erratically and buzzed too close to an LAPD helicopter, civil aviation officials checked Martz out and got hold of video footage of the deed. Oddly, they canned his pilot's licence.
But his story has a happy finish (chortle). Martz re-sat the exams last year, including - inevitably - an oral test and got his licence back.
Down on the street
[To be read in the tone of "Guess Who Don't Sue".] Southee was sighted on Ponsonby Rd last Saturday night getting grief from an ex-Shortland Street actor about the Black Caps' poor summer. My sources tell me the smooth Black Cap departed into the night, shouting over his shoulder: "Nah - we won two of them!"
The Socialist Bowl
Our reviewer hails it as capitalism's big day out, but the finances of the Super Bowl have a socialist tint. As comedian Bill Maher points out, "football is built on an economic model of fairness and opportunity".
"The NFL literally shares the wealth. TV is their biggest source of revenue, and they put it all in a big commie pot and split it 32 ways. That's why the team that wins the Super Bowl in the next draft picks last, or what the Republicans would call punishing success."
And Maher concludes: "So you kind of have to laugh that the same angry white males who hate Obama because he is redistributing wealth, just love football, a sport that succeeds because it does just that."
Uncle Vasya's balcony
If you think the legislation boosting the Rugby World Cup is heavy handed (latest law: it's illegal to think of anything but rugby in October), spare a thought for the citizens of Kiev. When Ukraine hosts the Euro 2012 soccer tournament, residents of the capital will be banned from sitting on their balconies naked.
"Kiev is spending huge money to light up the city," said city official Sergey Tselovalnik.
"We do not want to be lighting up some Uncle Vasya in his underpants."
The Ukranian law is strict, and if Murray McCully gets wind of it, there could be far-reaching implications for ugly people living in Sandringham: residents within 500m of venues "must not be unsightly".
Character lessons
Sport, as we know, is character-building. So here's a precis of the latest lessons on loyalty from the European soccer transfer window.
Newcastle's Andy Carroll, in November: "Newcastle is the club and the city for me and always will be. If someone tells me I can stay here for my whole career I'd be delighted."
January: Someone tells him he can shift to Liverpool. He's delighted.
Benfica's David Luiz, in December: "If it was only a question of money, I would not be at Benfica now. I love Benfica and have a contract to 2015. I am a professional: I would ignore the chance to leave in January, next summer or in 2015. The rumours in the English papers are nothing to do with me. My future is in the hands of God."
January: God decides that Luiz should sign with Chelsea for an estimated $146,000 a week.
Good week
Wayne Scullino
The Aussie Green Bay Packers fan followed the side for the entire 2007 season and returned Stateside to see Superbowl glory. The lengths an Aussie has to go to to back a winner, eh? ...
Bad week
Luis Ochoa
The Californian died after a police raid on an illegal cock fight. A terrified rooster with a blade strapped to its foot slashed his ankle as cops arrived. The gash got infected.
The number
111m
The global viewership figures for Monday's Super Bowl. That's almost twice the number of people who tweeted about Tim Southee in the past three days.
They said it
"Ronaldo is a shameless fatty."
Fans of Corinthians, in Brazil, show their support for the club's high-profile striker with graffiti at the training ground.
"I don't put the blame on anybody but myself. I feel like I let the city of Pittsburgh down, the fans, my coaches, my teammates. It's not a good feeling."
Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger is pretty hard on himself after losing 31-25 to the Green Bay Packers in the Super Bowl on Monday.
"I have signed a contract with a television channel to do expert commentary. As I am not playing in the event I thought it was worth participating as an expert."
Former Pakistan cricket captain Salman Butt, banned for 10 years this week by an anti-corruption tribunal, will be in the commentary box for a British telly network for the World Cup.
"Manipulations are increasing. In the past five months we assume that between 70 and 100 games in Europe were manipulated."
Sports betting expert Carsten Koerl, who says 24 European countries have been affected by match-fixing and up to 100 soccer games have been manipulated in the past five months.
"2011 may develop into the most significant season in Australian rugby's history."
Australian rugby boss John O'Neill seems to think something major could happen this year.
"He asked if we were okay - I said, 'Can you give us a push over to the side?' which he duly did."
British driver Paul Long gets a little roadside assistance from David Beckham after the car broke down while taking the kids to school in London.
"Thanks David, I love you."
Long gushes to the departing former England captain.
Email supersport@nzherald.co.nz Twitter SuperShortsNZ
