3. You interacted with your teammates continuously (no technology to absorb time on one's own)
4. You made your own fun - it kept costs down and was on tap 24 hours
5. Alcohol was the pre-eminent socialiser which encouraged some seriously ludicrous behaviours that were often reckless, inappropriate, counter-productive and fug'n hilarious.
Q: Any titillating examples?
A: I'll give you a pastiche of situations. I can't locate the full script without assistance, but I assure you I was there when these things were occurring ...
1. A guard with a sub-machine gun jams the barrel in the chest of an unwelcome Kiwi cricketer in pursuit of a mystery air hostess.
2. A cricketing great pulled out of his only game of "whizz-boing-bounce" after being "bounced" three times on the trot and failing to cope with the three required sculls that followed.
3. A future New Zealand captain almost falls into Hong Kong harbour from a Chinese junk after a few too many beers affected his sea legs.
4. A future New Zealand captain, stark naked except for the team's flag, spends the night at a barbecue at a millionaire's mansion trying to coerce females inside the said flag with the phrase "step through the veil of fantasy".
5. A New Zealand manager's speech to 200 hammered lawyers and corporate flunkies at a floating restaurant in Hong Kong was cut short as his own players bombarded him with lobster carcasses, wontons and other assorted Asian goodies. He was finished off with a withering blow to the mid-section. A chilled orange thrown flat from 15 paces is quite a formidable weapon, we observed.
Anyway, it was all good fun and certainly better than working for a living.
Q: Crikey. How did you get away with this?
A: We had a laughably amateur administration so you were very much on your own - especially for young guys coming into the team of the '80s. The mindset was modelled on the county style - individual contractors who made sure their game was in order and "good luck" to the rest of you. It didn't instill much team spirit and bonhomie but it gave you plenty of time off to get among it. One of the quirks of the New Zealand set-up was that until about 1995 the position of manager was gifted to a board member - as a sort of perk for being at most of the meetings, I guess. Most were completely inept in any leadership role. An example would be when I was called in at the 11th hour to play a test and wasn't allowed a tracksuit because I was "filling in".
Q: You now live in Gomersal [a Yorkshire village 16km southwest of Headingley] and work as a teacher. How do you find it?
A: Once the kids, many of whom are from Pakistani families, find out I've played a bit of international cricket, teaching is a breeze. But try telling a 14-year-old I played in 1986. It may as well be 1833.
Q: You open the batting for the second XI at Gomersal cricket club these days. What's the club scene like?
A: We play at places like Pudsey St Lawrence which has a real Kiwi connection with photos of Martin Crowe, Mark Greatbatch, Simon Doull and Chris Pringle adorning the walls. There are purpose-built grounds, pavilions and scones for afternoon tea. It beats getting changed under a tree in New Zealand.
