Transcript of a mythical conversation between the referee on the field and his television match official (TMO), in the closing minutes of a 2010 Super 14 rugby match.
THE SITUATION: a pile of bodies, some wearing light-coloured jerseys, some wearing dark-coloured jerseys, has fallen over the goal line in a big, sweaty pile. Somewhere at the bottom of the pile is the ball. The team in the light-coloured jerseys are claiming a try; the team in dark-coloured jerseys are saying the ball was held up. The eyes of 30 players, the thousands at the ground and the hundreds of thousands watching on TV turn to the referee who, in turn, turns to his assistant in the stands, the man in front of the monitors, to help with the decision. He speaks into his headset.
REFEREE: Bob, are you there? [There are a series of muffled sounds that may or may not be words, but could also indicate a microphone malfunction.]
REFEREE: Hello Bob, are you there?
TMO: Sorry Derek, you caught me eating a hot dog. How can I help?
REFEREE: I want you to tell me if the ball was grounded over the line or if it was held up.
TMO: Righto, I'll get on to that. You caught me a bit on the hop — I was watching the league on the other channel. But don't worry, I'm sure they'll have lots of replays once I get back on the right channel — won't be a minute. Hey, the old Super 14 isn't exactly setting the world on fire this year, eh? What with all the kicking and the chasing and the mauling that makes rugby the exciting spectacle it's become.
REFEREE: I'm just after try or no try, Bob.
TMO: Of course you are, Derek. I'm looking at the replay right now. Oh my goodness but there's a lot of bodies around that ball isn't there? I can see why you need help with this one. Lucky we've got all this technology. But while we're waiting, what's up with those Kiwi teams this year? Talk about falling apart at the seams.
REFEREE: Try or no try? Bob.
TMO: All over it, Derek. Just running through all the camera angles — plenty of cameras, plenty of angles — checking things out. Boy, there's a lot of beef around that ball. I can see a tiny patch of white in there that could be the ball or possibly someone's testicle. Either way, it's definitely held up.
REFEREE: So you're telling me 'no try' then?
TMO: Just hold your horses, Derek. Got to run through a few slow-mos, just to keep the TV punters on the edge of their seats. I mean the Crusaders are there, or thereabouts, of course, in their usual Cantabrian machine-like way. And at the other end of things, no one ever expects anything from the Highlanders, so no surprises there. But what about the rest, eh? The Blues are all over the place and up and down like nobody's business, but they're the Blues so I s'pose we should expect that. But what's up with the Hurricanes and the Chiefs, then? Off to a hiss and a roar, then nothing. The tank is empty. That's a worry, eh?
REFEREE: Which is all very interesting Bob, but how are we going on the try thing? The players are all looking at me and the crowd is starting to boo.
TMO: Just rocking back and forwards over a super-slow-mo, trying to work out of it's the ball or someone's shaved head touching the line. What I'm saying here, Derek, is that these New Zealanders, they have it in their heads that just because the World Cup is in New Zealand next year, all they have to do is show up and they'll win the thing. Meanwhile, on the field, they keep dropping the bloody ball and losing, eh? That can't be a good sign for them.
REFEREE: Try. Or no try? They're starting to throw things at me — the players, too.
TMO: Just passing the time, that's all mate — thinking aloud about the state of the game in the land where rugby is God. Tell you what, John Campbell picked them 1-12 in the Virtual Super 14, this'll put them out to 13+, so let's call it a try just to piss Campbell off. [Gratefully, the referee blows his whistle and signals the try. Some people cheer, some people boo, a lot make an early dash for the exits. As the referee walks back for the conversion he hears the voice in his ear one last time ...]
TMO: I love all this technology, Derek, really speeds the game up, eh?
