Scotty Stevenson: Mitigating circumstances galore in bloody farce

Photo / Getty Images

And now we go inside the Super Rugby judiciary where the judicial hearing chairman, Mr Richard (Dickie) McDougal QC SC ABC ONXYZ, will consider the evidence in the matter of Player X who was red carded on the weekend for chiselling his initials on to an opponent's forehead with a carving knife, somewhere at the bottom of a ruck.

"Mr Chairman," began the legal representative for Player X, clearing his throat while stacking the last of his 17 volumes of mitigating evidence on the trestle table that had been hastily erected in the backroom of Bob's Rib House & Saloon.

"It is our belief that Player X was right to plead his innocence in this matter, given that Player X, Sir, does not feel in any way that he deserved to be handed a red card in last weekend's spiteful match - a match, Sir, in which several of the opposition team could well have found themselves suffering a similar fate for their continual fatist remarks directed at a number of Player X's front row teammates.

"Furthermore, Sir, it is the belief of Player X that were it not for the fact that the referee had failed to check his socks for concealed weapons, he would have been unable to enter the fray armed with his late father's favourite pocket knife, a knife of ceremonial meaning to Player X, sir, given it was a gift from the aforementioned late father, and therefore has significant religious value to the family, subscribing as the family does to the minority view of the Ancient Order of the Huntress of the Himalaya.

"We submit to you, Sir, that the existence of such an order may have escaped the attention of this judicial hearing, but we ever more humbly submit to you, Sir, that it is a material point in this case.

The chairman, suddenly roused from his late afternoon slumber by a waiter who had accidentally entered the makeshift hearing room on a search for a bottle of tawny port (and who, given the special discretionary powers with which career hospitality staff are blessed, had quickly noted the solemnity of the congregation and beaten a retreat) now took his turn to clear his throat.

"I accept, counsel, that religiosity can certainly play a part in the game, and that gods of all natures and religions are often given praise for their direct efforts in the scoring of tries or winning of matches, but I dismiss your claims that in this particular case the pocket knife in question was for mere ceremonial adornment. I hasten to add that your insistence that somehow the making of fatist remarks by opposition players should have any bearing on the case at hand is misguided.

"We are in the business of ridding this contact sport of violence and I will discharge my duty in this regard with all my powers. However, I shall not have my unquestionable legal reputation tarnished by becoming the kind of man who would get in the way of a good old fashioned fat joke."

Thus chastened, counsel continued to outline the mitigating circumstances which had ultimately led to Player X tattooing his abbreviated moniker on the exposed and sweaty forehead of his opponent.

It was noted in the subsequent deposition that the knife had, in fact, been sterilised prior to being placed in the sock, and that when looked at from this angle, any risk of infection had been greatly reduced. And who, other than a player of great repute and honour, would take the time for such measures? It was also carefully pointed out that Player X had, immediately prior to his act of custom calligraphy, had his jersey pulled, his leg trampled on, his neck twisted, and his headgear lowered over his eyes.

"It is this final point, sir," offered the legal representative for Player X, "that deserves your utmost consideration.

"For, it was only then, vulnerable, contorted and claustrophobic, panicked and blinded in the pile up of bodies (and how many had left their feet?) that the player felt he had no other choice than to swing the knife. That he made contact with the opponent's forehead was unfortunate, sir, but the cuts were both swift and shallow, with minimum blood loss."

"Enough!" the chairman thundered. "Are you expecting me to believe that Player X did not intentionally incise his initials on the forehead of his opponent? And, even if intent cannot be proved, is there not a man now scarred for life? I say to you, counsel, that there very much is!"

"And I say to you, Mr Chairman, that his looks have actually been improved; that you'll find not one law dealing with on-field tattoos; and that, if only for the sake of jurisprudence, you may as well give him one week.

And then we can get some lunch.