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KEY POINTS:
Welcome to the 2009 edition of the eagerly anticipated Herald on Sunday Super 14 Power Rankings, a sophisticated and scientific measurement of the strengths of the franchises based purely on guesswork and supposition. Never will that be more evident than in this first instalment, where the phrase "I might as well throw a bloody dart" was heard once or thrice.
1. Sharks
In a two-week period over the holidays, the NZ Herald ran approximately 592 pictures of sharks. If that isn't an omen, what is? Incidentally, during the same period there was not a single frame of a cheetah... or a highlander.
2. Hurricanes
I was tempted to write, "arguably the best roster in the competition" but as I'm writing it from Melbourne and have no-one to argue with, I'll just say they have the best roster in the comp. No arguments.
3. Crusaders
Ah yes, the prodigal son has returned. And it's not just the return of media man Patrick McKendry from London that fans down there are getting excited about. Some bloke called Blackadder is back as well.
4. Stormers
Desperately unlucky to miss the playoffs last year, we will see if the Stormers are pretenders or contenders when they meet the Sharks this week at Newlands. Rankings is backing the former.
5. Blues
"They will respond well to Pat Lam," was how one expert described the Blues' chances in '09. Roughly translated: "I have not got a clue." Much will depend on whether Tasesa Lavea is first choice or Hobson's choice at No 10.
6. Bulls
Tenth last year but they have Victor Matfield back and that's worth four places, at least. They've got rid of first-five Derick Hougaard but they'll still be as boring as a bull ring with no matadors.
7. Chiefs
This would be the perfect forum to have a dig at Sione Lauaki but we would never stoop so low (actually, we would but we don't want to run the risk of having our windows smashed)
8. Waratahs
The competition's most unlikeable team probably don't deserve to be this low but who cares? How can one state produce Brad Haddin, Matt Dunning, John Howard and Willie Mason?
9. Reds
The Reds were rugby's version of a unanaethetised root canal but, under Phil Mooney, they developed a little élan - so much so that we can now use French words to describe them, oui?
10. Brumbies
You might notice a mid-table pattern developing here with the Australian teams and if you don't, then you're even more stupid than you look. You just can't spread Oz's limited talent across four teams.
11. Force
As Bill Lawry would say: "It's been a difficult summer for the Force." To which Tony Greig would reply: "Difficult? Come on Bill, it's been an absolute disaster." Richie? He'd just sit on the fence.
12. Highlanders
Dunedin's proud rugby clubs are revolting! That's not all that stinks down south either. Their rugby team is ordinary (euphemism alert) and they play in the worst stadium in the world (hyperbole alert).
13. Cheetahs
Q: How many idiots does it take to sit around a table and invent a draw that sees a perennial struggler not play at home until round eight? A: However many idiots were sitting around the Sanzar table this summer.
14. Lions
It is one of Rankings' resolutions this year to work up some serious analysis of the Lions rather than the usual waffle. Due to unforeseen circumstances, that will now start next week.
