Rugby: Super 14 Power Rankings

Paul Lewis

Each week, the Herald on Sunday puts together the Super 14 Power Rankings. This week, the Rankings wonder why Jonah Lomu doesn't play Jonah in the Clint Eastwood movie of the 1995 World Cup and whether Andrew Mehrtens' drop kick will go over in the film version...

1. Sharks (no change)

Malusi Zuma crashed his car into the home of 30 Sharks academy players and allegedly held them hostage with a gun, before letting them out to fetch him some beer. Could be the only way to stop the Sharkies this year.

2. Waratahs (up 1)

Lote Tuqiri wins Rankings' "Ah, Grasshopper" award this week for saying that the Stormers' Jean de Villiers was such a good player that there might be opportunities around him in defence. Rankings didn't know what it meant either.

3. Chiefs (up 2)

Surely someone in our top level of rugby can coach consistency into Sione Lauaki. At his best, he is a gamebreaker and tackle-breaker par excellence. Rankings is certain someone must be able to tap into the essence of Sione.

4. Bulls (down 2)

Rankings is intrigued that John Philip Botha's nickname is "truck". Bakkies Botha has long been a thorn in the side of opposing teams with his niggle and physical play. Rankings thinks we need a Truck Stop. Wayne Shelford, where are you?

5. Hurricanes (down 1)

Piri Weepu's carbon footprint must be a monster. On nice days, he gets out his 1967 7400cc V8 Ford Galaxy and tootles about town – using enough petrol to buy a Saudi sheikh another palace. But who cares when he's playing so well?

6. Crusaders (no change)

Rankings has always been a little disturbed by this franchise's name, given the original Crusaders indulged in mass executions, throwing severed heads over besieged city walls, mutilation and exhibition of naked cadavers, and even cannibalism. Then again, Bakkies Botha was in the opposition...

7. Blues (no change)

Rankings can only say to the way the Blues have been playing lately: In the ning-nang-nong, where the cows go bong. This is what the MC said after Russell Crowe's bizarre acceptance speech last week but it has equal application here.

8. Highlanders (up 1)

Rankings is bemused that Highlanders audiences at Carisbrook = sparse while those at Palmerston North = vast. With this logic, the Highlanders should play in Finland. Adam Thomson would still be outstanding.

9. Reds (down 1)

Assistant coach Damon Emtage – whose name is a perfect anagram of 'Ee, got a madman' – must be feeling a little sheepish after praising Berrick Barnes and before the Chiefs stuck 50 points on them last week.

10. Brumbies (no change)

The poor old Brums have copped it lately – alarming form drops, injuries to players like Stirling Mortlock, being robbed on their South African tour and the horrifi c accident to lock Shawn Mackay. Now Matt Goddard was named referee against the Cheetahs. Oh dear...

11. Force (up 1)

John Mitchell must be writing Russell Crowe's speeches. At his acceptance speech at the Empire Awards, Crowe read out a 'poem' which included Bee Gees and John Lennon lyrics and Kipling. Rankings always said Crowe was an Aussie.

12. Stormers (down 1)

Coach Rassie Erasmus was hailed last year an out-of-the-box thinker. This year, with the Stormers looking more like the Scattered Showers, he has got a bit snippy and didn't know why they played so poorly against the Crusaders. Rankings does – and notes the return of Peter Grant at 10.

13. Lions (no change)

Losing to the Hurricanes obviously hurts. Former Bok test winger Ashwin Willemse retired after the home loss to the 'Canes, saying his body was tired. Rankings wonders how many will be tired after the Chiefs have fi nished with 'em.

14. Cheetahs (no change)

A politician is an arse upon whom everyone has sat except a man (ee cummings). If you are wondering what this has to do with rugby, Rankings could ask the same question about the Cheetahs. And the Bokkies want another franchise...