Rugby: Super 14 Power Rankings

Each week, the Herald on Sunday puts together the Super 14 Power Rankings, a sophisticated and scientific measurement of the relative strengths of each franchise based mostly on guesswork and supposition.

1. Sharks (no change)

Fortunately, the editing process usually (but not always) picks up potentially embarrassing gaffes like calling halfback Rory Kockott, Neil Kockout, as a writer here did. The writer won't be indecently exposed, unlike that Neil bloke.

2. Waratahs (up 1)

"I would rather be entertaining the crowd come Super 14 semifinal time than entertaining friends at an end-of-season barbecue." Great slanging match between Lote Tuqiri and Quade Cooper (see Reds). Pity about the actual match.

3. Hurricanes (up1)

"I take full responsibility for what happened and for my actions," said Dane Coles of his booze-inspired arrest. "Things might have been blown slightly out of proportion..." Hmmm, not really taking full responsibility are we then, Dane?

4. Bulls (down 2)

In the dark days following his appointment, coach Frans Ludeke was re-christened Frans Ludicrous, as his team

struggled to adapt to the ELVs and mounted a pathetic defence of their title. He's not looking so stupid now, is he?

5. Blues (up 3)

The Blues now head across the bridge to play at North Harbour Stadium, where the Warriors attracted 17,000 for a trial. If the Blues attract less than that, does it mean Super rugby is offcially ill... or just unofficially?

6. Brumbies (up 1)

Now that George Gregan is no longer sniping around the park, annoying everyone, including team-mates, it's impossible to have strong feelings for the Brumbies. They're like Colby cheese, adequate but essentially flavourless.

7. Crusaders (down 1)

Asked Worried of Christchurch, aka Bungle, aka Mad Cantab, what his feelings were about his beloved Crusaders: "Similar to what Kyle Mills feels when he bowls to Sehwag," was his immediate reply.

8. Stormers (down 3)

You'd have to say, with a tour looming, if the slow-starting Stormers failed again in Pretoria last night, their playoff

hopes look bleak. Mind you, they're the best of the South African sides at touring.

9. Chiefs (up 1)

Remember pick-up games at school and how the unco kids would be last chosen? Reckon Kevin O'Neill knows what it feels like to be one of those kids now? It'll take more than a win against the Force before that drop is forgotten.

10. Lions (down 1)

Honestly, who would you rather watch: the Lions, another contrived Australian team, or a side from Argentina or the Pacific Islands? Me too. It's just a shame the only piece of furniture they take to Sanzar meetings is a Too-Hard Basket.

11. Force (no change)

The Force were rubbish on Friday. Utter garbage. And Sanzar think another Australian franchise will improve the

competition? Piping Celine Dion into the stadiums at scrum and lineout time would be more attractive.

12. Highlanders (up 1)

"At this level, so much is in the top two inches," says Tom Donnelly. We've uncovered a big problem. In most males, the brain is 1260 cubic centimetres but at the Highlanders, it is two inches. So that's why they play dumb rugby.

13. Reds (down 1)

Ohhh, Quade, how exciting. Eleven whole points in 80 minutes of rugby. Let's see, that's more than a point every eight minutes. Excuse us a minute while we recover from watching that breathless example of rugby at its finest.

14. Cheetahs (no change)

In four weeks, the Cheetahs have played in four different time zones. After yesterday's afternoon kickoff, they move to a night kickoff, then the following week an evening kickoff. The Cheetahs should sue Sanzar for a lost season.