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KEY POINTS:
Each week, the Herald on Sunday put together the Super 14 Power Rankings, a sophisticated and scientific measurement of the relative strengths of each franchise based mostly on guesswork and supposition. This week the Lions, on the back of a noble cause, are the big movers.
1. Sharks (no change)
Lost in translation? Here is coach John Plumtree, before the round two match with the Lions: "It is very crucial to bag valuable points at the inception of the first round, especially at home before touring Down Under." Ah, what?
2. Crusaders (no change)
Worst headline of the weak, courtesy of stuff.co.nz: 'Payne puts the pain behind him.' Excruciating all right. It's about Jared Payne of course... who was sore once upon a time. Mind you, this paper once had 'Comedy of erros' as a banner headline (and we weren't being clever).
3. Waratahs (up 3)
They win an upset on the road in round one and, you guessed it, this could be the Waratahs' year. But we've been down this path about 13 times before and we know the glamour boys will find some way to screw it up.
4. Bulls (up 3)
"The Blues are always an unbelievable tough opponent," said coach Frans Ludeke with a slight but forgivable grammatical error. He mustn't have been watching in 2005 and 2006 then. Matfield gone, in comes Danie Roussouw. What do they feed them up there?
5. Blues (no change)
By the time you read this, most of you would have watched the game having recorded it on MySky. Rankings would have too but Sky TV have still not installed it, even though it was ordered before Christmas. Don't they want our money?
6. Hurricanes (down 2)
Sky's Wello-centric commentary was beginning to gall Rankings, so he hopped in the car to drop off an overdue DVD (Into the Wild - flawed, two stars). Cue even more Wello-centric commentary on the radio. There were two teams playing, guys, and one of them nearly won.
7. Stormers (down 3)
What? They win and yet drop three places. Why? Because they're not fit. Also, from week four to 10 their draw looks like this: Bulls (a), Lions (h), bye, Crusaders (a), Tahs (a), Brumbies (a), Canes (a). That draw equals ouch.
8. Brumbies (up 2)
Every time Rankings goes to the internet to investigate the Brumbies, it gets sidetracked by audio snippets of U2's new album. Eerily, the Brumbies won in 2000 and 2004, coinciding with the years U2 released their previous two studio albums.
9. Chiefs (down 1)
What can you say about a team that can't scrummage and whose lineout disintegrated? How about: "Did you see the way the Chiefs made Al Baxter look like Ken Gray and, boy, hasn't Keith Robbo got that lineout firing?"
10. Lions (up 3)
We've been cynical about the Lions but this initiative deserves nothing but praise. The Lions are running a campaign against racism that says simply: "It's not black... It's not white... It's just red. Lions against racism. Wear red. Support the cause." Up the table you go.
11. Reds (down 2)
Mark McLinden became the second ageing Canberra Raiders fullback to start for the Reds after Clinton Schifcoske, one of the most anagrammatical names in Super 14 history - Chicken Fists Colon, being one of Rankings' favourites.
12. Force (no change)
Reports suggest Johnny Mitchell will be handed a cheque for A$600,000 when he is inevitably Forced out at the end of the season - which just goes to show that it really does pay to make a complete balls-up of things.
13. Highlanders (down 2)
"There was a lot of cartons and dust and rubbish. You could not walk up the stairs and there was a dead animal smell," said the German tourist brought to Dunners under false pretences. The bloke clearly took her straight to Carisbrook, then.
14. Cheetahs (no change)
Never has a team been set up to fail as much by a brutal draw as the Cheetahs have been this year. No wonder the Bok teams feel persecuted and want a conference system. The Cheetahs will officially be out of the running for the playoffs by week four.
