Rugby: Super 14 power rankings

Dylan Cleaver

Each week, the Herald on Sunday puts together the Super 14 Power Rankings, a sophisticated and scientific measurement of the relative strengths of each franchise based mostly on guesswork and supposition. This week, watch the Crusaders fall (and after wearing those jumpers against the Brumbies, who can honestly say they don't deserve it?).

1. Sharks (no change)
The Saffies aren't just outplaying us, they're out-tipping us, too. Natal's own Mike Greenaway is busy embarrassing the Herald's best minds in their Friday tipping competition. Come on boys, have you no pride at all?

2. Bulls (up 2)
Worst headline of the week, from South Africa's Business Day: "Fur expected to fly as rivals Lions and Bulls lock horns." A) Bulls don't have fur, B) Lions don't have horns, C) it's complete and utter pun-tastical tripe.

3. Waratahs (no change)
On Saturday TV will "provide viewers with a front row seat to the 2009 Sydney Mardi Gras Parade". Swap hostess Charlotte Dawson for Greg 'Clarkie' Clark and it'll be just the same as watching the Waratahs.

4. Hurricanes (up 2)
Sky's halftime coach interviews take the prize for the most pointless waste of satellite time. They're there strictly for purpose of saying, "look at the access we get, na-na-de-na- Why is this filed under the Hurricanes? Take a guess.

5. Stormers (up 2)
The four tries conceded by the hard-to-figure Stormers against the Reds were the first time they had conceded that many under Rassie Erasmus. What does this mean for the Blues? See for yourself this morning.

6. Crusaders (down 4)
Losing to the Brumbies away, you can handle. Losing to the Hurricanes at home is tougher to handle. Having to watch a once-proud franchise play in that horrific away strip – Cantabrians, it's time to make a stand when it counts.

7. Brumbies (up 1)
"We're always interested in our world-class players when they're off-contract," said CEO Andrew Fagan (insert Forever Tuesday Morning joke here). Given he is talking about is Drew Mitchell, we'll leave it to you to spot the hyperbole.

8. Blues (down 3)
It hasn't taken Pat Lam long to immerse himself language of Super 14 coach-speak. "The way the competition goes, you have to look at the games week to SA Rugby. You've been taught well, Pat.

9. Lions (up 1)
Power Rankings has become a fast fan of fearless three-quarter Jannie Boshoff. Would not have a clue whether he's any good or not but he's got a name made for the original Batman fight scenes: "Ka-pow", "Zap" and "Bosh-off".

10. Chiefs (down 1)
Admit it, when you saw the headline, "Lauaki leaves for the UK" a little bit of you thought, "well, that's probably the best news the Chiefs have received for a while". Alas.

11. Force (up 1)
"Dylan Cleaver is as delusional as... a monkey looking for a pineapple tree to climb to escape a hungry polar bear," so writes a bloke called Mudskipper on a Western Force fan site.
I've met that Cleaver bloke and he's right.

12. Reds (down 1)
The strange thing was, Rankings was lamenting the lack of Sunday afternoon Super rugby just a week ago and lookie here, a Sunday arvo Super rugby game. Unfortunately, it's one that nobody in their right mind would want to watch.

13. Highlanders (no change)
A radio report last Saturday morning was intro-ed thus: "A win and a loss for NZ sides in the Super 14 last night." The win was the Canes, the loss was the Chiefs in Sydney. The Canes beat the H'landers. So where are they from, Guam?

14. Cheetahs (no change)
The internet is a dangerous beast. Type Juan Smith into Google and see the ugly, possibly defamatory little sentiment that pops up on the third item down. And that's on SArugby.com. Don't these sites have any moderators?