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Highlanders outside back Solomon Alaimalo has opened up on his struggles with mental health, revealing it was the reason behind his lack of playing time during the Super Rugby season.
Alaimalo joined the Highlanders from the Chiefs for the 2021 campaign after a shoulder injury kept him out of the back end of 2020, but only appeared in two matches for his new club.
The 25-year-old addressed his absence in a statement on social media on Friday morning, and said he was struggling with depression and anxiety.
"Warning long post - I had a lot of messages throughout the season asking "why are you not playing?" and some I ignored and some I just said my shoulder still wasn't right," he wrote.
"But truth is I really struggled this year with depression and anxiety for multiple reasons. For me I've been going in and out of it for a while now growing up but ever since my joining of professional footy it got worse.
"Always judging myself as a person off how I'd played, letting the game I love dictate my mood for the day and week until we'd get to play again constant cycle. This obviously carried on for a while and I think a lot of my coaches throughout the years can attest to this because it got to the point where no matter how well I played I'd be like "nah I didn't play good enough", this and that and my coaches would look at me like 'sole your to hard on yourself' (SIC) but if it was a bad game my thoughts were so bad that I'd start thinking I didn't want to be around anymore."
Solomon Alaimalo joined the Highlanders from the Chiefs in last 2020. Photo / Getty Images
Alaimalo said he reached a tipping point this year and he would be set off by the smallest thing, and at times calling his fiancé from the car crying, or would go home from work "down buzzed as".
His partner convinced him to speak to the team doctor and player development manager, and he subsequently started seeing a psychiatrist and having counselling.
"It took away the game I loved for months but I understood that what was important at the time was my mental well-being," he said.
"(I'm) in a way better space now and I know this is just one hurdle that I will have to get over. Not going to be all sunshines and rainbows but I'm just glad I've got a better understanding. Not posting this for your sympathy either, I don't want that.
"I just wanted to clear things up because personal reasons can mean a lot of things and that was what I wanted it to be worded as in the paper until I was ready to open up about it."
You can read his full statement below.
"Warning long post - I had a lot of messages throughout the season asking "why are you not playing " and some i ignored and some I just said my shoulder still wasn't right. But truth is I really struggled this year with depression and anxiety for multiple reasons. For me I've been going in and out of it for a while now growing up but ever since my joining of professional footy it got worse .Always judging myself as a person off how I'd played, letting the game I love dictate my mood for the day and week until we'd get to play again constant cycle .This obviously carried on for a while and I think a lot of my coaches throughout the years can attest to this because it got to the point where no matter how well I played I'd be like "nah I didn't play good enough" this and that and my coaches would look at me like sole your to hard on yourself but if it was a bad game my thoughts were so bad that I'd start thinking I didn't want to be around anymore. For me that's when I started to see that I wasn't getting that fulfilment and enjoyment from what I was doing ,Dont get me wrong though whenever I'd suit up I always tried my best to put my best foot forward for the boys because I didn't want to let them down But I stopped getting that buzz ya get when you cross that white line because I was mentally drained from all the negative self talk I'd been feeding myself and the cycle I repeatedly kept going through .With my shoulder injury,looking back at it now I wish I'd reached out then and looked after my mental well-being more but I was just to scared of being judged and thought am I being ungrateful because I'm in such a good position and had my dream job .Anyways finally this year all the bottled up emotions just finally tipped me over .The smallest thing would go wrong and I'd go home to my fiancé down buzzed as or phoning her from the car crying . She convinced me to go to someone at work so I finally reached out to our Doc and PDM.
"It took away the game I loved for months but I understood that what was important at the time was my mental well-being. With the help I needed from counselling and my psychiatrist I slowly started to understand why I was so depressed and that I wasn't being ungrateful but that my feelings are valid. Just because we're footy players people think "oh these guys get paid well, they're doing there dream job why should they be unhappy " or like recently with players caught on camera showing emotions and they were getting bagged for that, as if they think we're like robots and can't show emotion. But anyway lol In a way better space now and I know this is just one hurdle that I will have to get over. Not going to be all sunshine's and rainbows but I'm just glad I've got a better understanding. Not posting this for your sympathy either I don't want that ,I just wanted to clear things up because personal reasons can mean a lot of things and that was what I wanted it to be worded as in the paper until I was ready to open up about it. But thanks to my landers family for being supportive,my close friends and family and those that I had d&m's to about it and finally my fiancé @savdale for motivating me and having my back everyday. I know I'm not the only one either so always here for a yarn ! esp to my bros I've crossed paths with on this footy journey as well." (SIC)
Where to get help: • 0800 543 354 (0800 LIFELINE) or free text 4357 (HELP) (available 24/7) • https://www.lifeline.org.nz/services/suicide-crisis-helpline • YOUTHLINE: 0800 376 633 • NEED TO TALK? Free call or text 1737 (available 24/7) • KIDSLINE: 0800 543 754 (available 24/7) • WHATSUP: 0800 942 8787 (1pm to 11pm) • DEPRESSION HELPLINE: 0800 111 757 or TEXT 4202 • NATIONAL ANXIETY 24 HR HELPLINE: 0800 269 4389
