No kidding, South Africa is a completely different country

You can't help but be impressed with what the Hurricanes have achieved in the first few weeks of the Super 12.

One of the toughest assignments in rugby is the tour of South Africa, no matter what the level of footy. Several times New Zealand sides that I have been involved with have gone to the Republic and had their hopes shattered by vastly inferior, even jaw-droppingly useless, teams. There is a multitude of reasons for this that I will touch on to give you some impression of life on the road.

For a start there is the air travel. It is normally a three-legged flight with the first leg to Sydney or Melbourne, then the journey on to Perth and finally Johannesburg.

The stop-start nature of the flight creates inevitable problems. If, for example, you start on the Steinlagers after departure from Auckland they inevitably run out somewhere over the Nullabor. That leaves you with the dilemma of choosing between Tooheys, VB or Swan Lager - horse's piss all of them.

They say one in the air is worth two on the ground which means my record of 23 cans during the 2002 Super 12 is worth nearly four dozen.

While obviously my stocks rose with the rest of the boys on that trip, it's fair to say they dipped in the eyes of the coaching staff. And in the eyes of Qantas executives, too, who were in my opinion overly sensitive about the fact the pilots had to circle Jan Smuts airport for 25 minutes while the flight crew tried to wake me up in the bogs.

It took some fast talking and several pay-offs to keep that little 'incident' out of the papers, I can tell you.

The problems about touring South Africa aren't confined to the air.

Once on the ground they multiply. It's no exaggeration to say it's like a different country over there.

Up on the high veldt you have to contend with the altitude. After about 60 minutes you start to get a little light-headed and your lungs begin to feel like they're being pan-fried while still inside you. It's at that point you wish the DJ would put his techno records back in his bag and throw on a bit of Dr Hook and the Medicine Show.

On the field you always seem to encounter giant Afrikaner forwards who look like they've spent the half hour before the match snorting methamphetamine. But that's nothing compared to their breath.

Afrikaners eat a variety of dried meats that smell like they've been put through a putrefication process.

It's no fun being trapped in an elevator with a bunch of Pretorians.

In Jo'burg you hear horror stories about crime but we rarely venture out of our hotel rooms (except to go to the hotel bar and discos).

Down on the coast things get a little easier. I'm talking about Cape Town in particular here. Let's just say if you can't score 'points' here, you need a new 'game plan'.

It doesn't matter where you are in South Africa, high or low you'll always be amazed how bad the refs are (editor's note - referees are actually neutral in the Super 12).

I feel for those All Black touring teams that kept coming back from the Republic empty-handed. Instead of handing South African refs the rule book, they should first become familiar with Braille language.

So, hearty congratulations to the Hurricanes for overcoming this. Who would have thought you of all teams could have done it?

As I said, I'm impressed. You can bet Graham Henry, Wayne Smith and Steve Hansby are too.

- HERALD ON SUNDAY