Dylan Cleaver: Optimistic theories debunked by Bulls

A quick recap of the theories floated around last week. By resting 14 players in their final round-robin match last week, the Bulls had lost momentum.

By playing at Orlando Stadium, Soweto, rather than Loftus Versfeld, Pretoria, the Bulls would be unable to recreate that famed fortress mentality.

The Crusaders and their superstar first five-eighth were peaking at the right time, the Bulls were on the slide.

To that we can now say, pfft, pfft and double-pfft.

The Crusaders-Bulls Super 14 semifinal played in the early hours of yesterday was a curious television spectacle in many respects - it was entertaining, if lacking in real suspense.

The aerial shots of Orlando Stadium were intriguing, but not nearly as much as the thousands of empty seats inside the stadium.

In a scheduling schemozzle, 76,000 spectators were trying to get to the nearby Soccer City for a local soccer final at the revamped stadium at roughly the same time as 40,000 Bulls fans were migrating south.

Stadium chiefs on our shores can take heart in the knowledge we're not the only country that finds it impossible to get people through the turnstiles on time.

Those inside the stadium appeared to be having a ball.

Television showed us a Bulls fan who balanced his pint on his ample gut, another with a ring through his nose and a longhorn hat and, as if to emphasise what a multi-cultural festival of rugby it was, the camera kept panning to the same two black men dressed in traditional garb.

The Bulls never looked like losing from the moment Pierre Spies strolled over in the second minute.

The Crusaders tried hard, did a good job of challenging the Bulls physically at the breakdown and made several unfinished in-roads with the ball in hand, but their demise was sadly symptomatic of where New Zealand rugby is at.

While most South African teams have recognised that catching the ball in the air is desirable, the Crusaders' efforts at pulling in up-and-unders were exemplified by Sam Whitelock's unintentionally hilarious falcon that led to Zane Kirchner's (dubious) try.

The Crusaders really needed Daniel Carter to be at his best, but sadly he was the player he was through weeks one to 12 - listless, inaccurate and disengaged - rather than the one who sparked briefly into life in weeks 13 and 14.

Scrutinising Carter is fraught because he is still so far and away the best No 10 in the country.

There is always a reason why he's not at his best, most notably that he can't be expected to be at his best from February to November, which is a tenuous argument given he's not asked to play every week.

But just in case he is on a deliberate slow-starting programme, surely it would have been polite to let Todd Blackadder know he was taking this year's Super 14 off.

* * *

It wasn't a great weekend for Canterbury sports tragics. In a far friendlier time zone the Tactix lost to the Pulse in a battle of not only the two worst netball teams in Australasia, but the two worst-named teams (I mean, honestly, the Tactix?).

In losing, Helen Mahon-Stroud's plucky triers became just the second team in three seasons to be defeated by the hapless Wellington franchise.

No wonder the hyper-emotional Maree Bowden was on the brink of a meltdown when interviewed post-match by Tania "I-don't-want-to-drag-this-on-any-longer" Dalton.

Losing to the Pulse seems to play havoc on the hormones - the Swifts were left howling at the moon when losing in Wellington last season.

The Pulse lifted their winning ratio since the formation of this competition from 3 per cent to a whopping 5.9. These are heady days for netball in the capital.

Some interesting questions emerged from the match that require instant attention.

Why did it take 14 minutes before one of the "expert" commentators, in this case Bernice Mene, noted that "the first quarter has been littered with mistakes"? (Even that mild reproach was being far too kind - it was truly horrible.)

How does a professional shooter, Jane Altschwager, manage to throw an airball from her height?

Why do New Zealand coaches all insist on dressing as if they're off to a funeral?

* * *

There were great scenes at Wembley yesterday where Blackpool FC defied the odds to join the promised land of the Premier League next season.

The Seasiders, or Tangerines, have languished in the lower leagues since 1971 and there hasn't been this much buzz around the club since a certain Sir Stanley Matthews stole the FA Cup off Bolton Wanderers in 1953, when a devastating burst saw them come from 1-3 down in the final minutes to win 4-3.

The weekend's heroics were just reward for manager Ian Holloway, one of the more colourful men in the game.

He might not have enjoyed the success of Brian Clough or Bill Shankly, but he's just as quotable.

"Right now, everything is going wrong for me. If I fell in a barrel of boobs, I'd come out sucking my thumb," he once said after a particularly rough trot.

But it is the following quote, achieved after a grinding victory, that is his crowning glory.

Read it then ask yourself, can you imagine Pat Lam, Colin Cooper, Ian Foster et al coming up with something like this:

"To put it in gentleman's terms, if you've been out for a night and you're looking for a young lady and you pull one, you've done what you set out to do. We didn't look our best today, but we've pulled.

"Some weeks the lady is good- looking and some weeks they're not. Our performance today would have been not the best-looking bird, but at least we got her in the taxi.

"She may not have been the best- looking lady we ended up taking home, but it was still very pleasant and very nice, so thanks very much and let's have coffee."

WEEKEND WINNER

Allister Coetzee. The Stormers coach has taken the under-achieving franchise to the place his predecessors could only dream of - a Super rugby final. A nice guy to boot, he'll be one of the reasons the Stormers will be the neutrals favourite in next week's final against the Bulls.

WHAT TO WATCH

If international soccer friendlies are your bag, then wait no later than tonight as the All Whites led by Ryan Nelsen (left) take on Australia. For more macho Australian sporting action, wait until Wednesday when it's Mate Against Mate ... you know the rest.