KEY POINTS:
What really happened when Neemia Tialata turned Dane Haylett-Petty into a ferris wheel during the Hurricanes' match against the Western Force?
You'll be none the wiser after reading the judicial's verdict from yesterday's hearing that took more than twice as long as a rugby match.
Is there anything less satisfying than a footy tribunal? Everyone involved pretends that they are in a court of law even though it is cobbled together with the speed with which a business house social match is arranged. The participants act all serious and learned, make dramatic entrances and exits from the pseudo courthouse, and - if you're lucky - a verdict comes out straight away, being delivered with a ceremony that is faintly comical.
In the case of Tialata, he even made a backseat, chauffeur-driven exit in a Hurricanes SUV, just like Hollywood.
Hollywood all right.
So, what actually happened at the Cake Tin on Friday night?
Haylett-Petty bent down to pick up the ball where upon he was monstered by Tialata, who - through invoking a version of wrestling's double underhand powerbomb throw - hurled the winger feet up then over to the ground in a rapid swirl.
Had Tialata been less fortunate, and Haylett-Petty even less so, the winger's head and neck would have slammed into the ground at the sort of angle that would make his future not overly certain.
It was a highly dangerous throw, and Tialata should have had the book thrown at him by people who understood what he had done.
Yet, four hours of hearings plus the subsequent overnight deliberations by judicial officer Chris Morris saw Tialata suspended for all of one week. Tialata's lawyer deserves a medal for his work, although he hasn't done rugby any favours.
This court talked itself out of the truth. Seven camera angles were used, it was reported, which obviously proves nothing.
At least we were spared the theatre of modern Australian league hearings, where the victims are sometimes even urged to give mitigating evidence through tough-guy honour. The odd biomechanics professor also pops up to give evidence.
Today, league takes lifting tackles very seriously, and so should union because of the extreme danger. The good old days of Australian league hearings were responsible for cleaning up a sport that was in danger of bashing itself into oblivion. These hearings were successful because a tough chairman named Jim Comans sent the thugs to the league slammer.
But then the real law - and even science - got involved in footy law.
Before you know it nowadays, the perpetrator becomes the nicest guy in the world who committed an act of enhanced momentum in which a fulcrum became an axis of uncertainty. The victim contributes heavily, even if it is just by being there.
Let's be honest - Tialata committed something a pro-wrestler would be proud of but which has nothing whatsoever to do with any tackle previously known to rugby kind.
Yet Tialata's evidence that "he planned to turn the player in the tackle before attempting to bring him to the ground" is actually used in the published verdict as if we should place any credence on it. It's not even on the same planet as the truth.
Tialata also admits "the tackle had been poorly executed and completed" which is like a bank robber admitting to having nicked a pen on his way to doing more meaningful business at the counter.
Pray tell us, dear rugby court, just how you would execute that particular tackle properly.
Tialata hooked his arms around Haylett-Petty's torso from above and behind then hurled him so his feet headed towards the sky, then swung him into the turf. The nearest sporting activity this tackle comes to, apart from pro wrestling, is tossing the caber.
Ask any parent how they would feel if they saw their kid being tackled in that manner in a schoolboys' match.
In terms of what he meant to do, Tialata performed it perfectly. If Haylett-Petty had been seriously injured, there would have been a massive outcry.
As to why Tialata flipped his lid, who would know? It was as pointless as it was stupid.
Rugby doesn't have a bad act to clean up. The game is, generally, about as clean as it could get these days. But please, don't imply that Tialata committed a good tackle that went accidentally wrong. It was a shocker.
Junior coaches should make it clear to their players that this is not an acceptable tackle in any shape or form.
What we saw from Tialata is probably a one-off case. If it isn't, then get the wheelchairs ready.
GIGGS BEYOND BELIEF
What a magnificent club Manchester United are. Another English premier league title is in the bag, and their final goal of the domestic season was scored by legendary wing Ryan Giggs after he came on late against Wigan. Giggs' numbers are beyond belief. He has now won 10 league titles, and 18 trophies in all. He equalled Bobby Charlton's club record of 758 games against Wigan. Coming over 17 seasons, this represents about 45 games per year, which is almost as amazing as the number of titles he has won.
JUST NOT CRICKET
It's a bad day when our national cricket team is being written off by the erratic Poms. One of England's South African ring-ins, Kevin Pietersen, even managed to mention the Black Caps in the same bad breath as Bangladesh. But the English writers who are questioning why battlers New Zealand and England are playing back-to-back series from February to late June have got a point. It's a very odd piece of scheduling, although the international cricket calendar has always been a mystery unto itself. Let's hope New Zealand put up a decent fight, though few will fancy the chances of this happening.
