Chris Rattue: Mex girds his loins to save the nation

"If we've got no rugby the morale of the country is going to change."

TV commentator Murray Mexted expresses his fear for the very future of rugby, and thus our great nation, because of the 16-match suspension handed out to Blues back Rua Tipoki.

Mexted chose Saturday evening television to express his belief that rugby is in danger of dying through "sanitisation", with dreadful consequences to follow.

Really dreadful.

Mexted's words raised visions of a scary new landscape, where travellers will no longer be greeted by the comforting sight of rickety H-shaped goalposts around the country. You might even turn up at your local rugby club and find that someone has painted it and turned the place into a badminton hall.

This is clearly a crisis, and here we look at Mexted's call to arms.

The story so far...

Day One: Mexted is installed as our commander-in-chief.

The former test No 8 wins a viewers' poll and is named our favourite TV rugby commentator. This is a position of great responsibility in New Zealand and Mexted decides that the time has come to tackle more tangible subjects than psychic energy. He has already detected that the winds of war are ebbing and flowing towards our border. The enemy, namely the Super 14 judiciary is, according to his sources, preparing an attack. As to why, nobody is sure. Don't they realise that kids need biffo-exponents to look up to?

Day Five: Too late: we've been blindsided. Tipoki mangles James Hilgendorf's eye socket, rearranges his brain cells and - according to the Western Force doctor - causes what might be "some degree of permanent impairment". The judicial committee realises this is the perfect time to strike at our nation, and suspends Tipoki. Little do they know that they have roused a tiger in the TV commentary box.

A disconsolate Mexted realises that the enemy has tricked the country by failing to come through the gate as required, entering instead from the side and thus eluding the guard dogs posted at the side of this ruckus. Top-secret information that the judicial committee would land its first blow at one of the great stadiums like Eden Park or Jade Stadium has proved false. The judicial has instead launched its offensive at wee North Harbour Stadium, an outpost so remote that out of all of Mexted's advisers, only Stu Wilson can remember how to get there. Within minutes of the Tipoki suspension being handed down, rumours spring up about other enemy forces taking advantage of the unstable atmosphere by launching their own strikes at the heart of the rugby empire.

* An ice-hockey player is rumoured to have broken into Eden Park and attacked the most famous icon of rugby danger - the pie warmer - by turning the heat setting up to level five.

* Soccer insurgents break out stockpiles of heavyweight 1950s shin pads and start hurling them at Super 14 posters.

* An Eden Park neighbour hides a dead fish in the Kingsland train station lift.

Day Six: Time to address the nation.

Despite unsubstantiated reports of sporadic attacks on rugby, most of the nation is caught unawares and seems uninterested, probably because everyone is so used to catastrophes occurring at North Harbour Stadium.

It is time to act. Mexted chooses the half-hour Sky Sports buildup to the Crusaders match against the Cheetahs to alert the nation.

This match is perfect for shocking the population into action. If it was the build-up to a Blues or Chiefs game, the viewers would be expecting a disaster and the impact would be lessened. But Crusaders victories are one of the few comforts this nation can still rely on.

For Commander Mexted, a Crusaders match is the perfect calm on which to launch his storm warning and this, in the fullness of time, will come to be known as Murray's finest half-hour.

Mexted squares up to the cameras, revealing a broad chest just itching for a row of medals. Summoning the strength he used in his playing days to leap unassisted towards the heavens in lineouts, Mexted faces the people and warns that "sanitisation" is about to bring rugby down. And furthermore - and these words will live on in the history books - he warns: "If we've got no rugby the morale of the country is going to change."

"Got no rugby ... " It's a thought the rest of us have never contemplated. How the hell have we sunk into such a state.

The story as it stands

Rumours circulate that an emergency Government consisting of John Graham will lead the country from a bunker below Jade Stadium should the Super 14 judiciary launch further attacks.

Mexted organises plans to seal Richie McCaw's stem cells in a capsule to help future generations revive the game and cope with the breakdown rules.

Samples of the Blues players' hair will be stored in an aircraft hangar. The teachings of Robbie Deans are to be hidden in code - in other words in their natural state. The whistle of Paul Honiss will be stored in a tremor-proof capsule - tremor proofed on the inside, that is.

But still, out on the streets, there is a worrying calm. The conclusion is that the population has been lulled into a false sense of security after so easily surviving attempts by ticket touts to destabilise the country during the Lions tour.

What can you do to help the nation?

Despite the country's failure to heed Murray's warning, you have all been warned. So, remember, stay alert and keep your chin up - although if Tipoki is around it may pay to tuck it away for a while.

Other activities to consider:

* Start an anti-rugby sanitisation group in your neighbourhood. If Murray is too busy, Danny Grewcock would make a great first guest speaker. Make sure you serve lukewarm pies.

* Lobby the New Zealand Rugby Union to change all those happy-clappy Super 14 advertisements: ads with players refusing to sign autographs, getting drunk at airports and putting head-high shots on the airline staff would be a good start.

* See if your local headmaster will bring back rucking or at least include some organised stomping during PE classes.

* Demand that lukewarm pies be retained at all rugby grounds.

* And above all, keep voting for Commander Mex.

Next week: Murray warns of the dire consequences that will result from Graham Henry's plan to fly the All Black squad around the world on different planes. Even though this has long been standard procedure when dealing with royalty, it has raised more fears in Mexted's mind about the future of the rugby empire and the country.

"An All Black team that flies together keeps the country together. The break-up of the All Black squad will lead to the break-up of the nation," he has already told friends.