What the coalition negotiations can learn from the Rugby World Cup

Sam Cane (left) and Winston Peters. Photos / Photosport; NZME

As the All Blacks meet the Springboks in what promises to be one of the greatest Rugby World Cup finals, New Zealand’s other big clash is also under way, with coalition negotiations crawling to the fulltime whistle. Here’s what rugby can teach politics:

When the referee is a player

The Rugby World Cup final will be refereed by Wayne Barnes, who is widely regarded as the best at his craft in the world. An Englishman, he’s neutral as his countrymen were knocked out in the semifinals.

The coalition negotiations are being refereed by Winston Peters – who is also widely regarded as the best at his craft in the world, though no one is exactly sure what that craft is. He is the least neutral human to ever walk the Earth. As well being the referee, Peters is a player, though most of us thought his team had been knocked out in 2020.

Somehow Peters is all at once team manager, chief selector, coach, captain, star player and promising young talent for perennial finalists NZ First. He also gets to set the rules of the game.

The lesson: Surely there needs to be some independent adjudicator for coalition negotiations – someone with a clear understanding of the rulebook and a profound sense of fair play. What’s Trevor Mallard up to these days?

Moving goalposts

Although you could put forward a reasonable argument that the goalposts could have done with a good jolt in the 1995 World Cup final, realistically, goalposts shouldn’t be moved – both metaphorically and literally.

For voters in an MMP election, the goalposts are in constant motion. If I vote for this party, I might get this other party as a Government. But if I vote for another party, some fourth bunch of ass-hats could sneak into the Beehive.

The lesson: Goalposts should not move.

Timekeeping

It’s a little-known fact that in his role as coalition negotiations referee, Winston Peters is also the event’s official timekeeper. Peters alone is the sole judge of time. Negotiations could last a week, a month, a year; we could all be teleported back to 1996, or 1976 (which, coincidentally, is when his philosophy on regional economic development was set in stone).

In 2017, Peters waited four weeks before declaring a winner. Which is a positively cracking pace compared with 1996, when the country effectively had no government for two months while he went to the TMO.

Peters is fond of reminding the nation that New Zealand’s coalition talks are quicker than those in Germany, which are measured by seasons, not months.

The lesson: Extra time is great; infinity time not so good.

Saying dumb things

An unwise slip of the tongue can derail months of preparation and cause public panic.

National’s campaign manager Chris Bishop horrified watching sports fans when, just weeks out from the final vote and the election’s fulltime whistle, he suggested a second election could be on the cards. Bishop brain-farted: “There is a real possibility of the necessity of a second election and it’s a growing one, unless people cast a strong vote for change.”

Imagine if Richie McCaw had paused the 2011 RWC final in the 75th minute, picked up a microphone and announced to the nauseous crowd that the entire match might need to be replayed. “There is a real possibility of the necessity of a second godawful final and it’s a growing one, unless the French do the decent thing and roll over.”

There’d be a riot!

The lesson: Don’t say dumb things.

What’s the score?

At the end of the match, you count the score and one team is the winner.

Lesson: Bugger it, let’s just have a coin toss.

Winston Aldworth is NZME’s Head of Sport and has been a journalist since 1999.