Steve Braunias: Secret Diary of The Rugby World Cup final

John Key's social media-friendly hand-clasp with Sam Whitelock adds to a tradition started by his infamous three-way handshake at the last World Cup. Photo / Getty Images

John Key

At the end of the day I think the majority of New Zealanders are pretty relaxed about the result of the Rugby World Cup Final this weekend, which is why I've taken the precaution of having the armed forces on standby in case we lose.

I said to Richie, "Mate," I said, "we're not going to lose, are we?"

And he said, "Mate," he said, "stop crying."

I said to him, "Mate," I said, "I'm a nervous wreck. A mess. I can't sleep. I can't think straight. If we lose, there's no point to existence. If we win, I'll be terrified of doing that weird three-way handshake thing like last time."

And he said, "Mate," he said, "you just need some practice. Here. Shake hands."

I said to him, "Mate," I said, "I have feelings close to love at the prospect of touching your hand, but it's not that easy. There's been a complication. I need you to have a word with the big fellah. Sam Whitelock. The one who wrapped my hand in his giant paw after the semifinal, and everyone laughed because the photo of it made him look big and me look small."

And he said, "Mate," he said, "what is it you want me to ask Sam?"

I said to him, "Mate," I said, "could you ask him to give my hand back?"

Toni Bruce

Good morning. Please be seated. My name is Toni Bruce, an associate professor at the University of Auckland's faculty of education and social work, and I'm in the news this week because I have conducted a survey which reveals that a "silent majority" of New Zealanders don't actually care about rugby and the Rugby World Cup.

They don't like what they see as the link to violence, the increasing commercialisation of the All Blacks, or the way that New Zealanders invest so much of their identity into sport.

The results of my survey also reveals that many people will be secretly pleased if the All Blacks lose in the weekend.

Thank you for your time. You may now leave the lecture theatre. Is anyone suffering third-degree burns? Come and see me, because I'm a wet blanket.

Sarah and Minanne from The Block

Sarah: Go the ABs!

Minanne: Bring home the trophy, Richie!

Sarah: We'll knit you a black scarf!

Minanne: You haven't consulted me about this scarf. It's the first I've heard of it. When were you thinking of telling me?

Sarah: Well, I ...

Minanne: I mean, that's just so typical. If you'd only listen to me once in a while, then we'd get somewhere on this show. But no, I hardly get a word in edgeways. No wonder we've never won a single room reveal. No wonder everyone on the show makes it kind of really plain they hate the sight of us. Because all you ever do is argue and moan, and fly into rages. You're totally unreasonable. I'm sick of the sound of your voice. Why don't you put a sock in it?

Sarah: What kind of sock?

Minanne: How the **** should I know?

Mike Hosking

Well, here we all are, waiting and hoping and praying, and the important thing right now is to remember that New Zealand is the greatest country in the world and Australia isn't.

Let me give you some free advice. Relax, and enjoy the moment. Pour yourself a good wine. Draw a long, hot bath, and soak in it with your loved one.

That's exactly what I'm doing in my plush hotel in Mayfair.

"You scrub my back," said JK, "and I'll scrub yours."

Richie McCaw

Right then. Time to knock the bastards off.