3) What goes on tour stays on tour.
4) I was really drunk and she looked like you. From behind. In a certain light.
5) I wanted to buy you some lingerie but I needed to check the size.
6) That's nothing: You should have seen the one Johnno pulled.
Cory I
Speaking of drink: We've heard from punters who saw Cory Jane and Israel Dagg out on the town.
"We were in Macs Bar when Cory and Israel came in," one reader tells us.
"We asked for a signature from Cory and he could barely sign his own name. We then saw him walking around looking dazed and confused. Real disappointing to see the most drunk guys in the bar were All Blacks during the Rugby World Cup."
Cory II
Another reader writes: "I was there and what a night it was! Dagg kept coming up to my girlfriend offering her a flower he was carrying round. And half the night Jane was walking round with one Jandal on. Anyways, that's all I have got to report on this matter."
Cory III
Which reminds us of a joke. A Wellington rugby player walks into a bar wearing one Jandal.
The barman asks: "Did you lose a Jandal?"
"Nah bro," says the player. "I found one!"
P.E. I
Here's Stu Wilson explaining why, when push comes to shove, Public Enemy No 1 - a.k.a. Quade Cooper - will always be out of favour on this side of the Tasman.
"Anyone that touches the crown jewel [Richie McCaw] ... well, you start pissing around like Quade Cooper has done and you have to accept the consequences in this country.
"If he keeps it up he can expect raspberries for the whole tournament. If he doesn't know that and the Australian Rugby Union doesn't know that, they're dumber than I thought they were. You just don't piss with the crown jewel. Not over here, not in our backyard." Tweeting twits Cooper has had a lot of grief on Twitter in recent weeks and says he expects more abuse as the World Cup rolls on.
"I kinda hope so," he said when asked if he was expecting a rough ride from All Black supporters over the next six weeks. "I'm sure the whole team and everyone else is expecting that. It wouldn't be a massive occasion like it is without those kind of rivalries.
"And us being the Australian team, there is going to be a massive rivalry being in New Zealand.
"Any time we travel there, the crowds are very hostile, so we're really looking forward to the challenge."
We wouldn't want to disappoint the Wallabies' passport-swapping playmaker, so if you're a tweeter, be sure to drop him a line on @QuadeCooper.
Happy tweeting.
Wallies and wallahs
Few visitors gave us greater pleasure than the IRB worthies. A CupShorts source in the world of men's haberdashery tells us that an IRB wallah from the home unions threw an apoplectic fit of Bill Cavubati-proportions when he arrived in New Zealand and turned up at Working Style to collect his bespoke tailored suit (free, of course, thanks to some sanctioned sponsorship arrangement - presumably the Tuilagi brothers wouldn't be fined if they played in WS kit). This bloke had supplied his precise measurements, but by pick-up time his girth had expanded a tad. His rage was, we're told, something to behold.
Wallahs
Dominic Rumbles, media boss of the IRB, takes issue with a CupShorts piece noting that an Englishman, Chris Quinlan, QC, handed out the suspension that rules out a Frenchman from Saturday's "Le Crunch" quarter-final. Putting down his Chateau Lafite and dusting the remnants of the caviar from his shirt front, Dom finds time to fire us an email.
"As I am sure that you are aware [I have previously written a similar email], the RWC 2011 Judicial Process is an independent system. The panel are independent in nature, are all top lawyers or QCs and are not employees of the IRB. It is both misleading and incorrect to suggest that Quinlan, a highly experienced [judicial officer], would be in any way anything other than utterly professional.
"The sanction handed down to the French player was also entirely consistent with the appropriate process."
Thanks for clearing that up, Dom. If there's no need for neutrality in judicial officers, what about a Kiwi ref for the All Blacks' matches ...
Dom's thought's II
Hang on a minute, that would mean the All Blacks get refereed by Bryce Lawrence. Scrap that, Dom.
What's legal
We're a classy nation. Here's bar owner Leo Molloy explaining why he won't release CCTV footage of Mike Tindall and the mystery blonde: "Our position is that if it's not a crime, then we won't release the footage. Rooting isn't a crime in New Zealand - I'm not sure about England, but it's not in New Zealand."
Choke watch I
Centre Conrad Smith was asked by rugby hacks for his thoughts on the scientifically devised measure of All Black choke-ability.
"The best way to deal with it is front on and maybe we didn't do that in the past - we sort of swept it under the carpet and said 'it's not going to affect us', but it's something we have to deal with, it's part of our history."
Choke watch II
Conrad continues: "We haven't won many Spot the difference of these tournaments, in case you hadn't noticed." Cue: Nervous laughter from assembled journos.
Minister in the box
Over at thenewtasman.com, public relations fiddler Phil Quin has concocted a possible press briefing from the Minister of Bad Manners, the New Zealand Cabinet member who got excited during a game at Albany. "I would like to extend my heartfelt apologies to the members of the Australian Rugby Union contingent for my behaviour at the corporate facilities at North Harbour Stadium during the Wallabies' frankly unconvincing win against Italy.
"My conduct was unbecoming a government minister, let alone one charged with the duty of hosting overseas guests even if those overseas guests happen to be Australian.
"The barrage of abuse I hurled against not only the playing 15, but the very character of Australia and Australians - while at times hilarious and often technically accurate - was not acceptable, and for that I sincerely apologise. 'Cheating convict scum' is not an expression I should have used. If I had my time over again, I would allude to Australia's past as a convict colony, along with its historical propensity to violate the rules and spirit of rugby, in a more dignified fashion.
"I have called James O'Connor - who I can confirm is absolutely not Justin Bieber's gay twin - to apologise directly. Similarly, I tweeted an apology to Quade Cooper.
"Finally, to the catering staff at the box, I would like to thank them for their encouragement and occasional applause during this unfortunate episode. I will autograph the remainder of your drink coasters today and get them sent over right away."
Happy customers
A happy CupShorts customer has this to say about our coverage of the snail-hunting, garlic-craving, cheese-eating, nuclear-bomb-testing beret-wearers:
"I am writing to you in disgust at yet another unnecessary cultural insult presented in this morning's CupShorts section.
"Having seen the French team referred to as the Cheese-Eaters previously, today the unnamed author sees fit to simply label them as the Garlic-Eaters.
"This is at the very least ingracious, given that New Zealand is amongst the world leaders in dairy exporters, the All Blacks have just convincingly beaten the French at Eden Park, and frankly, New Zealand has at least won a single Rugby World Cup. Wouldn't it be slightly more gracious and sportsman-like to not single out another nation like this, despite past grievances? I understand the casual tone of the column, however, racism and xenophobia such as that is disappointing and unprofessional from a first-rate newspaper. It sickens me."
We stand corrected.
Losing le cool I
Like a huge radioactive mushroom cloud enveloping a pristine Pacific atoll, anger courses through the veins of French coach Marc Lievremont. Asked by a garlic-scented journalist if France could still win the cup, the French gaffer replied: "Go to hell with your question!"
Losing le cool II
It's not just the press suffering from Lievremont's ire. Saffer journo Mark Keohane reports that the French coach was approached by a couple of cockerel-pestering fans who wanted a quiet word post-defeat at Eden Park.
Eventually security separated them.
Losing le cool III
Damien Traille gets right behind the gaffer's substitution policy: "It's the first time I've been taken off at halftime and, when you're a competitor, that's hard to take."
News from the veld I
In South Africa, they're taking their quarter-final defeat to heart. Rugby scribe Rob Houwing suggests it's time they handed over the national team to a Kiwi coach. "We live in a period where there's clearly something in the New Zealand water ensuring that that proud rugby union country is spouting coaches of rare calibre and, just as importantly, success rates," he writes. The names he suggests? John Mitchell, John Plumtree and Greatest-Winger-of-All-Time John Kirwan.
News from the veld II
Not wanting to indulge in hyperbole (because hyperbole is literally everywhere), but the scoreline in Sunday's quarter-final suggests that the match was in fact South Africa's 9-11.
News from the veld III
Departed Bokke captain John Smit is looking on the bright side.
"I suppose that one of the positives going forward is that I will never have to be reffed by Bryce Lawrence again."
Survival hints
Final too tough for you? Try these techniques for big-match tension. CupShorts' mum only watches the first half, preferring to lie on her bed staring at the ceiling in a cold sweat for the second spell. And the father of a friend records the game on VHS then checks the score in the morning before having a think about whether he can handle watching it.
