Paul Lewis: Beware of English pigeons

An injury to Dan Carter could be disastrous for Graham Henry and Co. Photo / Getty Images

Humphrey Lyttelton was something of a genius. He died two years ago but is remembered as a jazz musician, a cartoonist, a soldier, a broadcaster and, perhaps most famously, as the chair of the revered BBC programme, I'm Sorry, I Haven't A Clue.

One of his favourite ploys was the smutty double-entendre - risque at a time when BBC humour tended towards the proper. It involved a fictional colleague called Samantha who always phoned in her apologies for not being able to attend.

Like: "Samantha nearly made it. She's been detained at the last minute in the city's Latin Quarter. An Italian gentleman friend has promised to take her out for an ice cream and she likes nothing better than to spend the evening licking the nuts off a large Neapolitan."

I mention this in connection with the Crusaders-Sharks match of last weekend and that heart-stopping moment when Dan Carter was injured. It raised the dormant horror of a World Cup campaign without him.

In that regard, with apologies to Lyttelton, here's a Humphrey-esque take on a Carter-less situation: "I'm afraid Samantha's had to stop off to see a grumpy, old gentleman friend in Stockport, who doesn't like spending his money. He's been phoning her constantly, angrily demanding a visit. Samantha says she doesn't really mind handling his testy calls, and she says if she butters him up properly, she can occasionally get him to splash out."

Let's hope All Black coach Graham Henry and co don't have to handle any testy calls ... especially their own. Handed to them.

Henry said "the jury is still out" when asked after the Crusaders match who Carter's deputy might be.

Yeah? Wonder why. As brilliant as their comeback has been after the debacle of 2007, Henry and his fellow selectors stand accused on this one. The jury is still out because Henry and co have fudged the evidence.

Their misplaced faith in Stephen Donald and Aaron Cruden, when both were clearly not up to it and not ready for it respectively, may yet come back to haunt them. They have, purely and simply, got it wrong in the four years between this Cup and the last one.

Colin Slade should have been taken on last year's tour - and his current injury may mean he has little time to impress now. If the genius that is Carter lasts the tournament, it will likely preface their greatest achievement. If not ... testy calls indeed. At least six of them.

There is no doubt that Henry and co have made a brilliant recovery from the dark days of 2007 and New Zealand's worst-ever World Cup performance. Their embrace of the attacking aspects offered by the new law interpretations has been total and were reflected in some of the Crusaders' best play.

Most of British response to the Crusaders' game was entirely positive, but there remained some pockets of limp resistance - a bit like Dad's Army, lining up in parade with their mop handles and umbrellas. One of the television news shows asked a middle-aged English rugby follower leaving Twickenham what he thought of the match.

"Good, good," the man said. "But I wouldn't want to watch that every week. Too fast and furious for me." Poor old duffer. That's like going to see the genius of Bob Dylan and saying: "Good, good. Bastard can't sing, can he?"

Then there's Mick Cleary, of the Daily Telegraph. Nice man, Mick. He did write one article praising the match before lapsing back into the rugby-induced stupor common in the British Isles; a condition brought on by the virus stubbornicus britannicus that attacks the optic nerves and the cognisant parts of the brain - leaving the sufferer unable to comprehend what he or she has just seen.

Cleary said the match was "easy on the eye. There was a masterclass from Dan Carter and Sonny Bill Williams in the Crusaders midfield, reminding us all how underwhelming England are in that department with Sonny Bill-lite, Shontayne Hape, in one of those pivotal roles."

Some Brits, even when dishing out praise, have to backhand it. Shontayne Hape is another Kiwi so Cleary is managing to blame a New Zealander for England's midfield weaknesses.

He went on: "But, say some, where was the knuckle, the grind, the rolling maul (not one, by my reckoning), and where, oh where, was the cut-'em-off-at-knees defence? It's all very well extolling the virtues of free-running rugby but what happens when you come up against a Thierry Dusautoir, the French destroyer who put New Zealand backsides on the turf with 37 tackles in a World Cup quarter-final? Where then is Plan B? ... I enjoyed Sunday's try-fest. Several friends, watching on TV, did not, feeling it was all run and little tackle."

Tiresome stuff - and born of the condition outlined above; where thousands of Britons would rather see a collection of men in a large lump, all straining their sphincters in symphony, than anything of beauty; involving skill and athleticism.

But, and it's a big 'but', Cleary and his ilk might just be right. Certainly England remain one of the All Blacks' biggest threats for the World Cup. Just look at the draw. England are drawn to meet France in the quarter-finals and Australia in the semis. They are more than capable of beating both.

If the All Blacks oppose them in the final, who is to say that all that dash and daring shown by the Crusaders will hold sway on that one-off day? It depends, as Cleary pointed out, on variables like the weather. To that you can add injuries, the referee (how's it going, Mr Barnes?) and whether a strong, forward-oriented side can quell an All Black team playing like the Crusaders did for that sublime 30 or 40 minutes.

A they-shall-not-pass defence and a good kicking and goalkicking game is perfectly capable of lifting the 2011 World Cup. England have also shown they are learning how to score tries.

As Humphrey Lyttelton said in his final sign-off before his death: "And so as the loose-bowelled pigeon of time swoops low over the unsuspecting tourist of destiny, and the flatulent skunk of fate wanders into the air-conditioning system of eternity, I notice it's the end of the show."

Let's hope that Carter-less Kiwis will not be regretting the loose-bowelled pigeon of selection releasing its payload on our World Cup hopes and, indeed, ending the whole show.