Paul Lewis: Time to take up the chant

There's been so much nonsense lately about the national anthem and the All Blacks not singing it - well, they all look embarrassed, like they've just been caught unburdening themselves in their auntie's pot plant, don't they? - that my thoughts turned to football.

Specifically, the way football fans sing. Why don't we do that? Why don't All Black fans sit in the stands and belt out a few numbers or, even better, a few of the great, insulting, sometimes offensive but very funny chants you hear at English football grounds?

We Kiwis sit there like wooden Indians and get all bashful when asked to sing, shuffling our feet and looking mournfully at the ground as if we've just discovered a big, black Alsatian has done something nasty on our boots. We can scarcely blame the All Blacks for being the same.

It's pathetic. It's got to improve for the 2011 World Cup. I mean, let's greet the world with the same kind of tuneful wit and barbed humour.

Like a personal favourite from years ago, when England goalie Peter Shilton was outed in a national newspaper having a romp with a woman not his wife in a car. When Shilton ran out for his next club match, the opposing fans sang (to the tune of Bread of Heaven): "Peter Shilton, Peter Shilton, does your missus know you're here ... ?"

Or Arsenal striker Robin van Persie, alleged to have forced himself on a woman in a date situation (he was later cleared), was greeted by his own fans with a little ditty to the tune of Craig David's Rewind: "Van Persie ... if the girl says no ... molest her".

The Brits can even change tack, using the same player, the same tune but different lyrics. Like Bobby Zamora, the striker who when at Brighton was first lauded with this chant, sung to the tune of That's Amore: "When the ball goes in the net, like a f****** rocket, it's Zamora ...". But when his goal scoring dropped off, the same chant, same tune became: "When the ball hits your head and you're sat in Row Z, that's Zamora ...".

Things get a bit bluer and non-politically correct from this point on, dear reader, so those of gentle, innocent disposition, look away now.

There are chants aimed at specific players, such as American goalkeeper Tim Howard, who unwisely revealed that he had the rare condition Tourette's Syndrome (which can make you swear repeatedly and emphatically). They greeted his signing with: "We've got Timmy Tourettes in our nets, **** off, **** off, **** off."

They can also be highly supportive - as this one, to Everton striker Louis Saha after a goal: "That's the way, Saha Saha, we like it, Saha Saha" - sung to the tune of the old song by KC and the Sunshine Band. And there's no need to give you the tune to this one, sung by Blackburn fans in praise of striker Roque Santa Cruz: "You better watch out, you better beware, he's good on the ground and he's good in the air, Santa Cruz is coming to town."

Or one from the club I support (Tottenham Hotspur ... I know, I know, but someone has to ... ) delivered at a game against Manchester United when Spurs were playing the wonderfully talented and oh-my-God-aren't-I-beautiful French winger David Ginola. Sung to the title song from the Addams Family TV show and aimed at United's David Beckham, it went: "Posh Spice is a slapper, she wears a wonder bra, and when she's shagging Beckham, she thinks of Ginola."

The same tune is used for a chant by fans of big city clubs taunting those from smaller centres: "Your sister is your mother, your uncle is your brother, you all f*** one another, the (insert name of club here) family."

But the best are allied to current events. Like when Aston Villa striker John Carew was found in a club of dubious repute, the following chant was launched at him on his next appearance (to the tune of Que Sera Sera): "John Carew Carew, he likes a lap dance or two, he might even pay for you, John Carew Carew."

Foreigners cop it too, especially Koreans (because of the widely held belief in dog-loving England that all Koreans eat dog). International Seol Ki-hyon had to listen to: "He'll shoot, he'll score, he'll eat your Labrador ..." And what about poor old Ronaldhino - the toothy Brazilian genius who, in spite of being fabulously rich, still has teeth that could tackle an apple through a tennis racket? English fans puzzled him by chanting that "Cilla wants her teeth back' - a reference to English singer Cilla Black who had buck teeth before she got them fixed.

So what about inventing our own chants to be aimed at visiting players from the stand during the 2011 Rugby World Cup? Like big, horrible Springbok lock Bakkies Botha. Bakkies, loosely translated, means 'truck'. Shouldn't be too difficult. Now, let's see. What rhymes with truck?

Let's not leave the Aussies out. What about Al Baxter, the Wallaby prop famed for being bent double in scrums? Before every scrum on July 18, we could sing (to the tune of Bread of Heaven): "Al Baxter, Al Baxter, can you see your own bum yet (own bum yet ... ), can you see your own bum yet?" This may yet be more appropriate for All Black props. Watch this space.

Or, if Lote Tuqiri should make a miracle return to the Wallaby ranks, what about this, to the tune of David Bowie's Rebel, Rebel: "Lote Lote, your hairdo's immense; Lote Lote, you suck at defence; Lote Lote, you can't score a try; Robbie Deans - can you tell us why ?"

All right, not very good - but I can dream ...