Paul Lewis: A fern time to be arguing

In the always entertaining Daily Mail recently, there was a headline that said something like: "The gay man, the lesbians, the three-legged cat and the poisoned curry."

It was the story of a gay man in Britain who was accused of trying to poison his lesbian neighbours by putting slug pellets into their curry after he was accused of kidnapping their three-legged cat. Only the most important issues here, dear reader.

This little pastiche of human conflict jumped into mind when news broke about Rugby World Cup minister Murray McCully being at odds with the International Rugby Board over adding a fern to volunteers' costumes for RWC 2011.

Now, no one is nominating anyone as possessing any kind of sexuality, you understand. No, no, no, that's not it at all.

It's the pettiness of the whole thing, don't you know. Quite why anyone would want to kidnap a three-legged cat is beyond most of us; as is how things could break down to the point that a man, whatever his sexuality, could slip slug pellets into his neighbours' curry, whatever their sexuality.

And what the hell kind of curry was it anyway that he would think slug pellets would pass undetected - grot vindaloo?

But I digress. As do the IRB and McCully. The IRB already have a logo on the volunteers' shirts and have said adding a fern would make the whole thing too New Zealand.

The IRB's brand includes a stylised Maori design of a mangapore (hammerhead shark) and a rugby ball-shaped koru, as well as its own logo.

Surely McCully and the IRB have more important things to do. Oh yes, there's the question of the RWC running at an enormous loss - up to $40m.

That's not news but surely the Government must be more concerned at the downgrading of the estimates of tickets to be sold here for the RWC, meaning an even larger, worst-case loss.

It's been estimated that 100,000 fewer tickets will be sold than originally planned because of the need to include stadia outside the main centres.

The head of Rugby NZ 2011, Martin Snedden, has said in no uncertain terms that it will not be the regions at fault. They'll fill their grounds, he said.

That means the cities are to blame, specifically the games not involving the All Blacks. They can save up to $20m if they really hit their straps selling those tickets.

Then there's the IRB. Let's not forget that the IRB decided on the Cup being held in New Zealand even knowing the tournament would run at a loss - for which we should be grateful as, if the decision had been made on purely business terms, the argument about logos would be taking place in Tokyo right now. Or not.

But the IRB are presiding, sort of, over a game which is a bit sick.

It has confusing and restrictive rules, defence-oriented yawnfests dominated by kicking, too much rugby leading to fan indifference, too many meaningless test matches between sub-standard selections - and a world order which leaves the third-placed country at the last World Cup (Argentina) out in the cold.

All these things are under urgent review by the IRB. So something might happen some time, though you rather get the feeling solutions are about as likely as a slug pellet curry.

So it's good that they have had their attention diverted onto logos, isn't it?

There's nothing like a bit of naked self-interest to make a World Cup hum. McCully wants the fern on the volunteers' shirts to help promote New Zealand.

The IRB - and you might think that a koru and a managpore is actually rather a lot of Kiwi, thank you - have made the mistake of saying that a fern might make things look biased towards New Zealand.

And that would be a highly reasonable objection if we were staging the Cup in Ulan Bator, Mongolia.

As for McCully's contention about promoting New Zealand with the fern, let's see ... Will millions of people come rushing to New Zealand because they saw the fern on a shirt or shirts? No. Not even hundreds of thousands. Not even thousands. Nor hundreds. What about a busload of intrepid fern collectors?

Someone, somewhere has perpetrated the heinous crime of codswallop on our corporates and political leaders over the years. Someone made them believe in the power of logos.

Brands are important, don't get me wrong. But they do not have instant cause and effect.

They gain credence over time and through positive experiences. But the image itself will not make the globe tilt on its axis because people are rushing to New Zealand.

In 15 years in public relations, I was alarmed more than once to see horrendous things foisted on unsuspecting clients by people spouting gobbledegook and psycho-babble about brands.

I remember years ago one agency earning US$1 million for unveiling a brand image for Hong Kong.

It was .. gasp ... a dragon. Imagine the colour, the appeal, the imagery! Imagine the imagination. Years later, I remain to be convinced that one more person has visited Hong Kong or chosen to invest there because of this dragon. They should have used a picture of the million smackers.

McCully will argue that the fern does have brand awareness and drawing power.

Maybe he's right. But arguing about logos while the loss heads for $40 million sounds petty and low-rent.

As for the IRB, ditto - and they have bigger problems to pursue, including the game of rugby which is lurching, well, like a three-legged cat.

Curry, anyone?