KEY POINTS:
THE SERIOUS BIT
You can't teach the lessons of failure. You can only live them. And learn if you're lucky. That's it. There is no other way. And no other lesson more painful in the learning.
Failure is its own classroom. And you don't graduate till you've failed. You don't get a diploma till something's gone disastrously wrong. And never more so than when the disaster is public.
That's why people talk about "dying" on stage - or in the stadium. Because that how it feels. Public failure is a death of sorts.
A small one, to be sure, but still a death. You may survive it but you never forget it.
Anyone who's ever experienced the horror of publicly failing to live up to their own expectations - and those of others - will tell you there is no mortification more acute or unbearable.
The dreadful realisation that everything's going wrong and you have no idea how to put it right is like falling into a black hole. Your heart races, your brain freezes and your loss of confidence devours you.
Then, when it's over, and you're alone with the shame, you just want to walk into the sea. Or find a very small cupboard and hide in it forever, avoiding the rest of the world for the rest of your life.
They say it's character building. But first, it's character crushing. Until you work out why it happened and how to prevent it happening again.
And so - through failure and its review - comes the strength to avert the kind of disaster we saw on Sunday morning.
Which is why Graham Henry should - if he chooses - remain the All Blacks coach. In four years' time, it would be good to have somebody influential in the World Cup squad who's experienced a train wreck and not just watched it happen.
THE NOT-SO-SERIOUS BIT
Well, they're gone. Done for. Fini! The oft-toasted All Blacks are toast. A "walk in the park" became a choke in the park and, if truth be told, three-quarters of our sports journalists should now resign. Along with half the Rugby Union (it doesn't matter which half) and all the nutritionists, tacticians and other assorted teat-clampers, particularly the staggeringly ineffectual sports psychologists. Oh, and the coaching staff!
They should all go!! Every last one of them because they got it wrong. With a capital "Rrrrr!!!". There was no way Les Bleus could win. Except they did. And zat izzz zat. With nothing Toulouse, ze French put in a Barnes-storming performance. Mon Dieu!! It was merde(r) to watch. We got an Eiffel and zey got the Tower!
Which leaves us with no one to cheer for except ... the Poms. Or the Escargots. Or the Boks. Or the Argies. No! Seriously. We might as well support one of them, if only to pass the time. So, assuming you're still wondering who to support, here's a Brief Guide for the Ambivalent Fan.
ENGLAND.
For: Well, it is the old country and they did invent rugby and if it wasn't for Carwyn James' 71 Lions we'd probably still be playing a boring 10-man game, and ... ummm, oh, yes ... Winston Peters isn't their Minister of Foreign Affairs.
Against: Clive Woodward, Steven Jones, the Spice Girls (let's face it, they were awful) plus, they're now playing boring 10-man rugby and finally, if MI5 can arrange the deaths of Di and Dodi, then it would be an absolute doddle for the spooks to put some dipstick referee (who thinks a forward pass is a flanker flirting) in charge of that quarter-final, thereby ensuring "the best team in the world" is knocked out and their geriatric clodhoppers don't get whupped!!!!!!
ARGENTINA.
For: They are the tournament's real underdogs (let's face it, the only dogs more under are those in a pet cemetery), and they do eat a lot of meat, and even the hippest dudes like Don't Cry For Me, Argentina (though they may not admit it), and Winston Peters isn't their Minister of Foreign Affairs either.
Against: They've got a very boring jersey (though it does have a collar) and their backs are dropkicks. Oh, and the Falklands.
SOUTH AFRICA.
For: Winston Peters isn't their Minister of Foreign Affairs but their jerseys are made here and if New Zealand can't win the World Cup, it would be good if Canterbury did!!
Against: Everything else.
FRANCE.
For: Well, they did beat us (sob, sob) so it would be some consolation if they eventually won the trophy.
Against: Well, they did beat us (sob, sob) so it would be no b@%#&y consolation at all if they eventually won the trophy. (Especially if they spend the whole game offside again!!!)
P.S. If LaPorte's lads do win, we'd happily donate Winny (and his unread reports) as a permanent exhibit in the blow-up ball.
