2019 Rugby World Cup: Steve Braunias - Overheard at the All Blacks: Steve Hansen and the S-word

SATIRE

In the second part of an explosive new series, Steve Braunias listens in to secretly recorded conversations between All Blacks head coach Steve Hansen and assistant coach Ian Foster at the Rugby World Cup in Japan. The latest instalment was discovered shortly after the All Blacks' final match in pool play, against Italy, was cancelled ahead of the devastation caused by Typhoon Hagibis. The cancellation meant the All Blacks would advance to the knockout phase at the top of Pool B to face Ireland in Saturday's quarter-final in Tokyo.

Monday

Steve Hansen: Fozzy.

Ian Foster: Yes, Shag?

Hansen: Mate, there's something on my mind.

Foster: There always is, mate. That's you. Always thinking. Deep thinker. And there's a lot at stake right now.

Hansen: A great deal at stake, you're right mate.

Foster: Quarter-final vs Ireland. Do or die. This is it.

Hansen: Oh – yes. Yes. Of course. I mean, right. Rugby World Cup. All that. Yep.

Ian Foster and Steve Hansen.Photo / Jason Oxenham

Foster: Nothing else matters.

Hansen: Nothing?

Foster: Nothing. Win, or lose. Go hard, or go home.

Hansen: Well that's just it, you see. Some of us don't have a home.

Foster: Who doesn't have a home?

Hansen: My house has been listed for sale this week and I'm just worried the boys might have seen it.

Foster: No one's mentioned it.

Hansen: It's all over the papers, it's online, it's everywhere. Photos, everything. Video, even. You can see everything.

Foster: Is that a Goldie?

Hansen: What?

Foster: In the photos. There was one of the lounge, and what looked like a painting by Goldie.

Hansen: I thought you said you hadn't seen it.

Foster: A couple of the boys might have mentioned it.

Hansen: A couple?

Foster: The entire squad. We know it off my heart: "The white walls and neutral flooring give it a modern decor".

Hansen: Stop.

Foster: "Enter down a grand sweeping driveway before being led to the stunning entrance with graceful water features."

Hansen: This isn't funny, Fozzy.

Steve Hansen. Illustration/Rod Emmerson

Tuesday

Hansen: Fozzy.

Foster: Yes, Shag?

Hansen: Mate, there's something on my mind.

Foster: The house?

Hansen: Will you stop talking about the house? No. Schmidt.

Foster: What did you say?

Hansen: Schmidt. Ireland coach, you know? Joe Schmidt.

Foster: Okay. It sounded like you said something else.

Joe Schmidt, Ireland's head coach, at training this week. Photo / Getty Images

Hansen: No, just Schmidt. And I'll tell you something. Do you know what he's thinking about right now? He's thinking about us. He's thinking very hard about us, because that's what he does. He studies. He analyses. I mean we all do but he takes it to another level. And I'll tell you something else.

Foster: Tell me, Shag.

Hansen: It's not footy, Fozzy. It's Freud. It's voodoo. It's creepy. It's like he gets inside your head and snoops around and wanders through it like it's an open home.

Foster: Again with the house.

Hansen: Will you stop talking about the house? Let's talk about Schmidt. I mean what makes Schmidt tick? He's a Kiwi, and he's taking on the All Blacks. What's that about? What's his problem?

Foster: So is that a Goldie?

Hansen: Yes, it is actually, but I'll tell you something else. There's only one thing worse than a Kiwi who thinks he can take on the All Blacks.

Foster: What's that, mate?

Hansen: Simple. The worst thing in the world you can possibly be.

Foster: A ref?

Hansen: Even worse. An Aussie, Fozzy.