P.S. We've edited out a few handling errors and Stephen's sin-binning. No need to overburden you.
That's the sort of correspondence Liam Messam and Stephen Donald would be entitled to send to Messrs Henry, Hansen and Smith after their performance to guarantee Waikato a place in the ITM Cup final. A bonus point win meant Waikato earned the right to host Canterbury in Saturday's final. Auckland will finish mid-table.
Auckland, courtesy of Gareth Anscombe's boot, made it a contest. They moved into the lead early in the second half when left wing George Moala turnstiled through. However, Waikato's superior pack created the space to score more points.
The match was diminished in stature by a scourge of handling errors - Waikato gave up at least four opportunities in front of an open line.
"I'd hate to think about how many line-breaks we didn't convert," said Donald. "Our first half strikes off set-piece were as good as we've had but the last pass wasn't working. At least we were creating."
Despite being down 19-14 midway through the second half, the hosts still dominated. No.8 Alex Bradley was held up over the line and left wing Tim Mikkelson dropped a dolly of a pass with no one in front of him 10m out after sustained forward toil. Mikkelson also bounced a ball on the chalk in the 78th minute. Waikato felt the loss of Donald for 10 minutes as well due to over-vigorous rucking.
"I don't know what I've done to that little Southland man [referee Keith Brown] but the only times I've been sent off at this level, he's been the common denominator. I think I stood on a prop's shoulder once or twice because he was covering the ball."
Donald made up for it with a 59th minute try next to the posts to put Waikato back in front 21-19. He then scored the fourth try in the 84th minute. Messam created the final break and had the option of passing to Mikkelson or Donald.
"Lucky I saw Stephen coming up because I thought Timmy might have dropped another one," Messam joked. Messam was also a handling error culprit but that was balanced by his commanding presence. He was dynamic at the breakdown and played an instrumental role in the opening two tries. In the first, he burst through a gap down the left on the Auckland 22 and fed centre Save Tokula who flicked on to Trent Renata. Renata promptly threw it into the stands, almost dislodging one patron's hot chips.
That was followed by another Messam line break where the ball continued through the hands of Tawera Kerr-Barlow, Renata, captain Nathan White, Messam again, and on to Jackson Willison.
"I didn't intend to prove a point but wanted to get over the disappointment [of non-World Cup selection] by running around with my Waikato mates," he said. Auckland were often static on attack and the Waikato defensive line speed overcame them.
They were kept in the contest by Gareth Anscombe's boot.
The match was the last at this level for former All Black Joe Rokocoko before he heads to Bayonne: "It was frustrating. I was trying to get involved but we were isolated on the counterattack. They closed us down with their line defence."
He also had advice for rugby fans leading into the World Cup: "I see a lot of hate being directed at the team but we've just got to get behind the All Blacks now, regardless of who is playing."
Waikato 26 (T. Renata, J. Willison, S. Donald 2 tries, Donald, T. Renata 2 cons), Auckland 19 (G. Moala try, G. Anscombe con, 4 pens). Halftime: Waikato 14-9.