Chris Rattue: Into playoffs but the pulse is fading

This is not a case of a cup runneth over. On the other hand, it's not a complete dud either.

The Air New Zealand Cup has been a wet blanket to some, a cosy electric blanket to others.

The chances are the Super 14 and test matches will eventually march all over the provincial competition anyway but, for now, a holding operation is in place. The Air New Zealand Cup is a potential flat liner with a dogged little pulse at the moment.

So count your blessings grassrooters, while it lasts.

It's not all bad either. How else would you get to see the likes of James Wilson - the Southland first-five eighth who is built like a lamppost - burst under the spotlight the way he did against Waikato in Hamilton?

There aren't many sports in the world that can hold mass attention down to a third level. So the cup does okay and gets about a six out of 10 for now, but probably falling.

Here's a potpourri of questions and answers concerning the new competition and rugby in general as we head into the semifinals (confession, I'd be lucky to watch three games out of five).

Watchability?

With international sports dominating more and more (and you can include the Super 14 in that category) via the goggle box, it's comforting to have a real national competition still on the menu. There have been a couple of top-notch clashes in the inaugural season. Then again, after x amount of scrum re-sets, forward passes, stoppages, more forward passes, knock-ons and virtuoso refereeing performances, you feel like burying the Air New Zealand Cup in the backyard and turning on the NRL or the English football premiership, or trimming the roses.

Competitiveness?

Let's face it. Manawatu are NEVER going to win the comp. They'll be lucky to get a whiff of the playoffs. It's a con job on this score.

Future stars?

One of its big appeals. Test yourself against the selectors. Spot a rising star. Tell your mates. (I pick Big Jim Wilson.)

Referees?

If there's a street parade for banning rugby referees altogether, count me in. At the front. With a banner. Where do rugby refs practise - in front of mirrors? They have a tough job, a real tough one, but honestly, do they have to be pedantic showboats. A pet hate - refs who apologise when you just know they treasure every blast on their whistle, every lecture they are forced to give out. They're only apologising so they get more airtime anyway (or so people might think they've got some feeling for the game). Just do your job lads - forget about the sorry business. You might even suspect the refs are on bonuses for high penalty counts, like traffic wardens. Lyndon Bray is the best of the lot - he seems to know what he's doing and is able to command respect without appearing to think we've all paid to see him.

The rule book?

Should be chopped up with an axe then fed through a meat grinder. Even that's too good for it. Okay, I've calmed down. The basics for a good game are there, but there are also way too many red herring moments. How about sending the rule book - there must be a spare forklift about somewhere - to a bloke like Peter Thorburn and telling him to get the black felt-tip out. Thorburn sorted out the mauls, why not let him ruck the rest of the book to shreds. Seriously, the IRB should give the book to someone with a brain, although I'm loath to suggest it. Knowing the IRB, it will form a sub-committee to come up with rules about how to reduce the rules, and they will end up longer than the original rulebook.

A few specific rules queries?

* Why do referees insist on quick tap penalties being taken on the precise spot? What is this - surveying school? The name of the game should be running with the ball. Yet time and time again, a bloke takes a quick penalty a few metres off the mark and just as the game is about to swing into action, it gets called back. Then another bloke kicks the ball into touch. Then we have another lineout. As if we don't have enough lineouts, or blokes kicking the ball into touch for that matter. Often the only reason our expansive rugby groundbreaker couldn't tap on the spot was because the offending players were still reclining there like beached whales. I'm all for accuracy, if we must, but rugby has enough stoppages without creating more.

* How come when a team with a scrum feed stuffs it up because some clod hoofs the ball into the arms of the other team, we have to have another scrum to ensure the ball comes out the correct channel. Let the game flow troops. The scrum feeding team had their chance. Do we need more excuses for scrums? Come on, live a little.

* As for lineouts, I wouldn't have a clue. Does anyone? What's all that number crunching about? So what if one team has more than the other does? If I had a clue about lineout rules, maybe I could suggest something (give it to Thorburn).

Does hair count as a body part?

Well it's certainly not a separate life force, although Kurtis Haiu may be changing a few opinions on that. So when it comes to video ref decisions, hair is in, which means the player might be out. The real question here is how do you actually prove that strands of hair have hit a corner post. Comb cam? Solid objects tend to stay rooted to the spot when attacked by delicate filaments. Personally, I've long wondered if top footballers can really give their best with a woolly mammoth strapped to their heads. But hey, it's not my call, and this is probably a moment to back away from their considerable personal hair space. Let's just hope that a few errant hair extensions don't wrap themselves around a corner flag during the World Cup final and cost this proud and nutty rugby nation the Webb Ellis Trophy. All hell will break loose - forced shavings in town squares, hair clip burnings, dreadlocks hangings.

Who will win the Air New Zealand Cup?

Wellington. They played like they meant it against the Cantabs. Brilliant football at times. They've got a few mean mother ball runners and they were cohesive in the big quarter-final clash. And cohesive is an in footy word. Cohesive, cohesive, cohesive. Like a flock of seagulls following a seagull. ( I made that up but it's not as bad as other rugby-speak you hear.) Don't fancy Otago, never do, Auckland are flighty, and Waikato looked as though the dangly bit had dropped out of their bell the other night.

Did North Harbour really win the Ranfurly Shield?

It was a dream, like that Dallas TV show carry-on. Canterbury will actually come back to life - with the shield in their arms - just like Bobby Ewing did.

So, just pretending for now that the dream sequence is real, has the Ranfurly Shield turned North Harbour into a rugby colossus like they said it would? Has it put Albany on the world map? Are the boys still bleeding for the fans? Will the Blues be full of Shield heroes? Or will North Harbour continue to get snotted by the Super 14 setup?

Otago 56, North Harbour 21.