Dylan Cleaver: Top 10 Pom rugby players we don't mind ... almost

Jonny Wilkinson. Photo / Getty Images

England - we do not like them. Ask All Blacks of yesteryear and they'll tell you there's no feeling quite as hollow as losing at Twickenham.

It's the clean white shirts and the red rose; it's the triumphal press; it's the public school alumni in the crowd adopting a Negro spiritual as their theme tune; it's that lap of honour after a loss (at Old Trafford, not Twickers, it must be noted).

So this week's task of finding 10 English rugby players we actually quite like would be near-on impossible, wouldn't it?

Well, not quite, as it happens.

1 Martin Johnson 1993-2003

Description:

A lock forward. A big, gnarly, occasionally nasty lock forward at that. Two-time captain of the Lions.

Reasons for affection:

Because if you combine the physical presence of Brad Thorn and the rugby nous of Robin Brooke, you come up with something frighteningly similar to Johnson.

Because deep down he's a son of the King Country and he knows it. OK, he played two seasons only for the KC but he married a local and the spirit of Pinetree courses through him.

Because he now "manages" England and you suspect that is not going to work out so well ... and that will be fine by us.

2 David Duckham 1969-76

Description:

A big winger who started out as a centre. England's lack of creativity stifled him but he was a revelation for Carwyn James' Lions in 1971.

Reasons for affection:

Because he played like a cavalier in an era of roundheads.

Because even the Welsh loved him, calling him Dai because they believed he played the way they did. His biography would be called Dai For England.

Because his flowing blond mane gave rugby a bit of panache.

3 Jonny Wilkinson 1998-

Description:

Gifted first five-eighth who took Matt Dawson's pass, swivelled on to his weaker right foot, and drop-kicked a dagger through the heart of the Wallabies in the 2003 World Cup final.

Reasons for affection:

Because he took Matt Dawson's pass, swivelled on to his weaker right foot, and drop-kicked a dagger through the heart of the Wallabies.

Because he keeps smashing himself - he has an injury catalogue as long as Shane Bond's - and keeps coming back for more.

Because although he gives the impression of being monumentally bland, he admitted to indulging in Buddhist principles and teachings ... which is really quite interesting.

4 Jason Leonard 1990-2004

Description:

Grizzled prop who played a record number of tests until his 114 caps were surpassed by George Gregan.

Reasons for affection:

Because his nickname is The Fun Bus. We're not sure what this means but he also has a train named after him, an A-class 357 EMU train that serves the London, Tilbury and Southend line.

Because, against Wales in 1992, early in his career, he experienced a numbing sensation in his right arm, but played on. It later transpired that he had ruptured a vertebra in his neck, which required emergency bone-graft surgery. That's kind of stupid actually, but admirable on a macho level.

Because anybody that props up an international scrum for 10 years and 114 tests deserves your respect.

5 Martin Donnelly 1947

Description:

A first five-eighths for Oxford University, the England selectors in all their wisdom chose him at centre to play Ireland at Lansdowne Road. It can't have gone so well, England lost 0-22 and Donnelly never played test rugby again.

Reasons for affection:

Because he was arguably New Zealand's finest left-handed batsman (with apologies to Bert Sutcliffe, Stephen Fleming and John Wright).

Because he will almost certainly remain the only English player to be born in Ngaruawahia.

Because he was a tank commanderin World War II.

Because he scored centuries for four different teams at Lord's.

6 Prince Alexander Sergeevich Obolensky 1936

Description:

Dashing three-quarter who slayed the All Blacks on his debut, scoring two tries as England romped to a 13-0 win.
Reasons for affection:

Because he wasn't English, he was Russian Rurikid royalty, born and raised in St Petersburg. That made losing a lot more palatable, being able to say that it was "the Russian wot did it".

Because his first try was recognised as one of the greats in history, a 70m weaving run that left several All Blacks clutching at thin air.

Because he joined the Royal Air Force to fight the Germans (incidentally, that did not go so well, he crashed his Hawker Hurricane and died during flight training in 1940).

7 Fran Cotton 1971-81

Description:

A prop who could play on both the loose and tighthead sides of the scrum, Cotton's rough-and-ready appearance and occasional acts of filth belied a shrewd operator.

Reasons for affection:

Because he is the central figure in perhaps the greatest rugby photo of them all, appearing out of the Athletic Park mud looking like the creature from the Black Lagoon as his Lions took on the New Zealand Juniors in 1977.

Because even without the mud, he kind of looked like the said creature, with big, hoary sideboards and a skewiff visage.

8 Dusty Hare 1974-84

Description:

Goalkicking fullback who holds the records for first-class points, all 7337 of them, in a career spanning 18 years. Enjoyed a brief first-class cricket career with Nottinghamshire CCC.

Reasons for affection:

He wore his shorts too tight and the lovely mane of hair he sported in the 1970s gave way to a rather undistinguished balding pate in the '80s, but he didn't care because he was a farmer.

Because there was not a lot to get excited about in the days when the Five Nations was beamed into our lounges on a Sunday via Sport on One, but Dusty was always good for the odd chuckle.

Because it didn't seem to matter whether he kicked the game-winning goal or missed one from just right of the sticks, Dusty trotted unathletically back to his position wearing the look of a man whose biggest concern was remembering to pick up a packet of gravy mix on his way home.

9 Will Carling 1988-97

Description:

Slightly better than average second five/centre who combined well with Jeremy Guscott. Obnoxiously young (22) captain of his country.

Reasons for affection:

Because everybody loved to hate him, something he was acutely aware of. Rather than develop a siege mentality, he mastered the art of self-deprecating wit.

Because his nickname is Bumface, due to his chin looking a lot like a finely chiselled, well ... you can probably guess.

Because men of a certain age would have quietly dreamed of being romantically linked to a certain princess ...

But mainly because he had the good sense to describe the Rugby Football Union as 57 "Old farts" - for that we salute you.

10 Jason Robinson 2001-07

Description:

League convert who could play wing or fullback equally adeptly. Lightning acceleration and jinking running style was a break from English tradition.

Reasons for affection:

Because you could quite easily imagine Robinson popping up on the end of an All Black backline. Now close your eyes and try to imagine Tony Underwood doing the same thing.

Because he was the first player of mixed race to captain England in rugby and his league background made English rugby seem just a little more egalitarian.

Because he never failed to thank our own Inga Tuigamala for turning his booze-sodden life around while they played together at Wigan.

WHAT: All Blacks vs England

WHERE: Twickenham

WHEN: 3.30am Sunday on Sky Sport

TAB: All Blacks - $1.12, England - $5.50