Michele Hewitson: Pace yourself, now

Thank God that's almost over. Most summers - and I am probably the least sports-viewing-friendly member of the great "on ya couch" community of telly watchers - I quite look forward to the drowsy, days of long test matches. They coincide with my summer hols, spent mostly pottering about in the outdoor pitch called the garden, punctuated by morning tea, a nice long lunch, and afternoon tea, which may be followed by a bit of a snoozy afternoon. It's a bit like the cricket, really.

It is quite nice to be mildly startled from a drowse and a dribble by a six from our lot.

What I can say in favour of the cricket this year is that, unlike that of other animals, my annual hibernation has not been much interrupted. But you can't blame the telly for what goes on on the telly, for once.

Still, there are diversions that are manageable, and those that are not.

I like to see - and don't we all - Captain Perfumed Underams hit the Aussies for a six. You imagine that his underarms have not have had a particularly arduous season. And, as an aside: wasn't the very term underarm once a bad word in cricket?

Perhaps that's the joke. There haven't been very many funny moments for Black Caps fans this summer.

There have certainly been, though, some diverting - if that is the right word - moments for Black Caps fans who follow the season on the telly.

These moments are called the between-play entertainment, and whoever has the contract to provide such stuff ought to be as maligned as that underarm bowler. At least he was entertaining.

Some telly cricket highlights this season: Danny Morrison's quiz session, in which the former fast bowler conducts an excruciatingly slow-bowled series of questions to cricketers to win money for charity.

Example: Who is the captain of the Black Caps?

Answer: Xavier Rush?

Morrison: Close, Big Man, Close.

A Clue: He's like the Queen: He never sweats.

Answer: Oh, oh. Is it Stephen Fleming?

Morrison: I'm going to give you that. One out of 30. Good man.

This is riveting television, right up there with the cricket.

I also particularly liked the Dilmah Tea afternoon break, with Jeremy Coney interviewing another Coney about wine. Tim Coney, it turns out, makes wine.

So during the longest tea break in the history of tea breaks the Coneys drank some wine. Jeremy, perhaps mindful of his obligations to the sponsors, at one point appeared to have a sip of wine then a sip of tea.

What an interesting combination for a quaff.

Good try, but if I was one of the Dilmah tea people I'd be asking for a refund. Or is this a new thing called dis-product placement?

And if I was one of the deodorant people I'd be demanding Fleming be interviewed about his armpits.

And what about those former cricketer guys who make the fudge?

Or getting Adam Parore on to talk, yawn, about his art business.

Now that might, just might, be as interesting as the cricket.

Oh well, the rugby on the telly has already started and at least you get chick's legs to look at with that. Should that be your sort of thing.

And pom-poms and that mad person who looks like Captain Pugwash when the Blues play at Eden Park. At least the Cruds have got real horses. Captain Whatsisname goes around on a big truck (this is not product placement) waving a stupid-looking sword in a fug of smoke.

I'm not quite sure what the symbolism is here but it seems to make about as much sense as watching sport on telly. It is going to be a long winter.

Wake me up next summer and remind of this, will you?