Chris Rattue: Bending the rules for the Super 14 - things we'd like to see

1. Referees shall be seen and not heard. Those old refs who used to blow the pea out of their whistles were an absolute joy compared with the modern lot, who twitter on like demented parrots.

(Most hated line: "Gentlemen, this time can you do this for ME." Like we're all here for your sake?)

If rule one is ignored, see rule two.

2. Since referees think they're coaches, coaches can say whatever they like about referees without the risk of fines or censure. Hey, they get their money, they get to have their say in spades for 80 minutes, so they take their chances.

3. Referees must dress and be groomed like they used to. All white gear, baggy shorts, ankle-hugging boots, woolly socks, maybe an ill-fitting black blazer with a picture of a goalpost on the pocket, and a haircut like Pinetree's. That way they might prefer to stay in the shadows instead of prancing round like show-ponies.

(Those unobtrusive blokes in throwback gear who run the American football games are role models on this score.)

4. SKY must supply an interpreter when Murray Mexted is about.

5. Video refs get a maximum of four replays each time they are called upon to make a decision. Some video replay sequences have been long enough to qualify for NZ on Air funding. Any video ref who can't make his mind up after four replays gets the green light, as in "go away".

6. Conversions and drop goals reduced to one point each. Why should a brilliant try, which happens to be scored in the corner, end up being worth significantly less than some bumbling effort that happened to be scored under the posts?

As for drop goals, they are incongruous to the spirit of the modern game. Drop goals are a fall-back for teams who have run out of ideas, although they can be exciting deadlock-breakers and play havoc with defences late in games.

7. I get a dollar for every time TAB spokesman Grant Nisbett mentions something about the betting odds while doing his night job as a commentator.

8. Those blow-up netball-style banging sticks are banned. They snuck into some NPC games last year - a trend that needs to be popped right now. Any grown-ups who think watching footy is improved by playing a children's party game at the same time should seek professional help.

9. Free team lists available at all grounds.

10. All body parts are to be known by their common names. Like arm, leg, shoulder. All references to megaclesical fingimy lateratistics are banned. Boring, I know, but it's rugby, not med school.

11. I get a dollar for every time Chris Moller says "moving forward".

12. Moving forward (which of course is pretty much the only way you can move on most issues), each Super 12 coach (and even maybe a few players) has to get really upset at least once after a loss this year. Like really, really ****** off. That will go just a little way towards offsetting all those "We'll learn from this" and "I'm still proud of the boys" comments that clog the air. Smash a table, throw a chair, do something. SHOW SOME EMOTION. Maybe this isn't a rule but just a suggestion because it's such a novel concept. This could be a trial season, with a view to introducing it as a rule next year.

13. The Brumbies are banned from winning the comp. They don't deserve to, after sneaking around to dump David Nucifora last year.

14. The Sydney press must turn on the Waratahs in the second half of the season. This has been included because it's nice to know that at least one of the rules will be strictly adhered to.

Those wishing to have any of these implemented should write down the relevant rule with a supporting argument, then move that forward to Chris Moller. But get in quick, before your senses get battered by those yapping refs. There are only seven days of sanity to go.