Chris Rattue: Remedial scrum classes

Australian Rugby Union boss Gary Flowers wants to start a "Tight Five School", following the capitulation of the Wallaby scrum in Sydney. (Information will soon be available on www.propflop.com.au)

Here's a suggested schedule.

9am - noon: Morning prayers - This is Australia's best hope for their scrum. Prayers will be led by Bill Young and Al Baxter, who spend most of the time on their knees and are experts at bringing others to this position.

Noon - 1pm: Lunch - Dust and humble pie.

1pm - 2.30pm: Lectures by travel agent and immigration expert - This session is mainly for rugby officials because Australia's next best hope is to scour England, South Africa and Argentina for props who might qualify for the Wallabies.

2.30pm - 3pm: Scrum practice - A radical concept. But it's got to be done.

3pm - 4.20pm: 80-minute rest period for all the props, as recommended by the current test front-rowers. Back surgeons, chiropractors, faith healers, acupuncturists, psychiatrists and anger management counsellors will be available for the locks.

4.20pm - 5.40pm: Video session - Squeamish types can watch Psycho and Friday the 13th, while the others view the Wallaby scrum during Saturday's Tri-Nations test.

5.40pm - 5.45pm: The Ned Kelly Awards - Handed out to any props in the school who managed to hold anything up that day. Holding up an umbrella will be considered.

5.45pm - 6pm: Drop goal practice, tutored by Matt Dunning - Fun at the end of a hard day.

6pm: More prayers (extra prayer sessions are available).