Dane Coles has turned down the All Blacks captaincy as he decides to concentrate on his comeback performance
Dane Coles admits he sulked along the way, he grumped a bit and felt sorry for himself, but ultimately found that his love of the game and desire to play it drove him through the last 11 months.
Drove him to the point where he is now expected to return to the All Blacks starting line-up this weekend in Tokyo and end what has been the most emotionally demanding year of his career.
He won't be taking the field with the captain's armband though, with Coles revealing that despite being one of the senior players in the side, he won't be putting his hand up for the role.
"Just because of the year I've had, I've got to be a little bit selfish and it's probably not the best thing for me to do. Whoever it is, I'll support him, and I've still got a leader's role if I play in this team to help the young guys come through.
"For me, [captaincy] is probably not the best thing - it's my first game back hopefully in the ABs, and then we'll go from there."
He's done it tough has Coles since rupturing knee ligaments in Paris last November.
His journey back to the playing field hasn't been smooth or predictable as his knee wasn't the only part of his body to break down. He was plagued with multiple other injuries as he tried to make it back – getting to the point where three times he had a date to resume playing only for the goalposts to be moved.
Now that he's on the home straight, he fully admits to being a bit of an emotional wreck – part relieved, part excited, part nervous and part almost disbelieving.
"It's a bit emotional," he said from the All Blacks' new Tokyo base at Disneyland, adding to the whole fairytale element of his return.
"It is like being named again as an All Black. I have worked really hard, did all the sessions by myself and with all the setbacks I have had it was made worth it when my name was read out as being part of this group.
"Outside the group is a bit lonely and you really miss being in this team. It has been a tough road.
"The hardest thing is that there were three times that I had a return to play date. We discussed them and then little niggles would pop up and then you get really excited because you have done all the work and there is light at the end of the tunnel and then you have another two weeks of rehab.
All Blacks doctor Tony Page assists Dane Coles in his rehab. Photo / Photosport
"You get a little bit down and think that the best thing might be to give this year up. You have a little sulk to yourself and then get back on it and get through the next week.
"The hardest thing was to overcome those little setbacks and get back on the horse. The motivation was that I love the game and was keen to play the game."
The loneliness of those hard gym sessions would have broken a younger, less experienced Coles. The isolation was difficult to contend with – to not be part of a wider group meant there was no shared sense of purpose.
It was just one man slogging it out hopeful rather than confident that at some point the doctors would say he was all good to resume playing.
And while he didn't enjoy the experience, he discovered plenty about himself in the process.
"I'm pretty resilient I reckon," he said. "The work I have done, I have worked really, really hard to get back to being a professional rugby player and my drive for the game is still there.
"It still burns within me and I feel I still have a lot to offer to New Zealand rugby. My resilience, work ethic and love of the game [are all there] and I am keen to have an impact in a rugby team."
What also helped him get through the recovery work was the sight of Codie Taylor performing magnificently well in the All Blacks No 2 jersey.
The two men are close, full of respect for one another and while Coles is big enough to realise that Taylor's emergence was best for the collective cause, no one particularly enjoys seeing someone else grab their dream.
"He's been pretty good to be honest," said Coles of Taylor. "He's probably my pick for being the best player of the year. It is awesome. I could sit there and say that I wish that was me but at the end of the day it is good for the All Blacks and New Zealand rugby that we have that depth. I am happy for him, we are pretty close.
"He's taken those reins and it is up to me to put pressure on him. You don't want to make it personal. I have played rugby for a few years and when guys make that battle personal it can trip you up.
"Strip it right back and say I am going to compete every day and be my best every day. I have seen when you make it personal you are going out for the wrong reasons."
Dane Coles speaks to the media in Japan. Photo / Getty
And it's that narrow focus that Coles is taking into this weekend. The assumption is that he will start, and try to get his way through 50 minutes or thereabouts.
Despite his long lay-off and lack of football, he doesn't want his performance to be judged against that.
He'll be playing for the All Blacks and that means he has to reach certain standards regardless of his playing history this year.
"I'll leave the playing time up to the coaches but every week I am feeling more confident in myself and my ability," he said.
"Having that break last week and just fully training with the team which is quite intense I am feeling a lot more confident.
"The first week I played I was standing on eggshells but you have to trust yourself. I know I have done the work and if I prepare really well and train like I want to then I will be okay.
"There is an expectation because you are an All Black and I have to go out there and do my job. I am not here to be a passenger I have high expectations about what being an All Black means."
