KEY POINTS:
Blame it on the World Cup, European rugby's mind-boggling fixture list, Gallic duplicity, global warming or whatever you like: the 2007 French series in New Zealand looks little more than a farce.
Even considering such promising players as centre Armand Mignardi and 125kg prop Franck Montanella - unknowns who may become familiar to rugby followers in the future - doesn't dilute the impression this French team (called "lambs to the slaughter" by the French media) is heading for a sorry time.
Before condemning the French Rugby authorities out of hand, spare a thought or two for Bernard Laporte and his players who are about to arrive in Aotearoa.
They are on a hiding to nothing, after their full-strength side lost both tests in France last November, with an aggregate score of 70-14 to the All Blacks. They have also been forced to prepare in circumstances that make a mockery of "professional" rugby.
But first a bit of background. This weekend in France is the last round of the national club competition, known by the barbaric name of "le Top-14", and a day of high drama it promises to be. At the top of the table, heavyweights Biarritz and Perpignan are still battling it out for the last place in the semifinals, while down in the lower reaches of the 14-team competition, as many as six clubs are struggling to avoid relegation to second division.
One of these is the team synonymous with Philippe Sella and Abdel Benazzi, the great club of Agen, which has already signed up Byron Kelleher for next year.
By this morning, Kelleher will know if he will be playing in France's first division, or in the second tier "Pro D-2" where the games against Toulon, newly reinforced by Anton Oliver, George Gregan and Andrew Mehrtens, promise to be an intriguing battle.
But to return to the riddle of French club rugby, the main reason Laporte can assemble only a make-shift side, is that the tests in New Zealand clash with the semifinals and final of the French championship.
None of the four semifinalists will release their players, and, as most of France's current internationals come from these four (or five) teams, the national coach is left with the crumbs. It is a bit like asking Graham Henry to pick an All Black side without players from Canterbury, Auckland, Wellington or Waikato.
To complicate the issue further, Laporte will have to wait till the final whistle of the final round to know which of Biarritz or Perpignan make the semis, and which players will be available to fly to New Zealand less than 24 hours later.
This is why the original touring team featured 33 names.
Hence we have Biarritz scrum-half Dimitri Yachvili bracketed with Nicolas Durand from Perpignan, lock Jérôme Thion (Biarritz) bracketed with Olivier Olibeau (Perpignan), prop Nicolas Mas (Perpignan) bracketed with Benoît Lecouls (Biarritz), Imanol Harinordoquy (Biarritz) with Grégory Le Corvec (Perpignan), centre David Marty (Perpignan) with Romain Cabannes(Biarritz), Nicolas Laharrague (Perpignan) with Maxime Petitjean (Brive), and Jean-Philippe Grand-claude of Perpignan, bracketed with A.N. Other.
Even in the bad old amateur days, when nobody in the French Rugby Union (FFR) seemed to know what was going on, les Tricolores were better organised.
To add insult to injury, there is not even a chance of a team run before leaving France: the exact make-up of the touring squad will not be known until late Saturday evening, following which the players will have to make their way directly to Charles de Gaulle airport north of Paris, having just enough time to pick up their kit and pose for the official photo, before heading for Auckland, via Heathrow and Hong Kong.
One can hardly imagine the All Blacks being subjected to such treatment, and it was with this scenario in mind that Laporte and his management team tried to get the tour cancelled altog-ether, asking union officials to offer some financial compensation to the NZRU.
The idea never made it past the front door of the FFR headquarters, no doubt because president Bernard Lapasset, is also president of the IRB tours committee. As a future candidate for the head job at the IRB, he could not be seen to be undermining their plans.
So Laporte's men have been left to front up to this absurd situation.
At least half of the squad have never played a test for France and once they arrive in Auckland on Tuesday, Laporte will have barely two, or at best three, training sessions to knock them into some sort of shape.
On the positive side, Laporte has a core of highly experienced players playing their club rugby in England. Between them, Olivier Magne (London Irish), former Blues player Christian Califano (Gloucester) and captain Raphaël Ibanez (Wasps) total some 245 caps, while Thomas Castaignède (Saracens) has played 52 times for his country and Rasputin look-alike Sébastien Chabal (Sale) chimes in with 27 caps.
As for the 14 or so newcomers to international rugby, exactly how they will go against the might of Graham Henry's well-oiled All Black machine, is anybody's guess.
Like Mignardi, the strapping 21-year-old centre from Agen who has played for France at age group level. Or the explosive 125kg prop Montanella, who has come straight out of second division team Auch.
Lambs to the slaughter they may well be, and a couple of 40 or 50 point wins for the All Blacks are a real possibility. But even if that happened, even if a pair of record defeats is in the offing for France, what would it mean in the greater scheme of things?
After all, Ibanez, Magne and Califano all played in Wellington in 1999 when the All Blacks ran in 7 tries to inflict an historic 54-7 defeat. And we all know what happened when the French bounced back at Twickenham some five months later, don't we?
Two-test tour
The 30-man French squad arrives in Auckland on Tuesday for a two-test series. They leave for Wellington on the Monday after the opening test.
June 2: All Blacks vs France, Eden Park, 7.35pm
June 9: All Blacks vs France, Westpac Stadium, 7.35pm
- Ian Borthwickwrites for L'Equipe
