A bloke with a questionable haircut at an All Blacks game. Photo / Photosport
A bloke with a questionable haircut at an All Blacks game. Photo / Photosport
Back in 1983, when the British and Irish Lions were on their way to a 4-0 drubbing at the hands of the All Blacks, they beat Counties in a midweek match.
The Pukekohe ground allowed spectators close to the touchlines, contained only by a low fence not really capable of containment. As the Lions reserves went for a jog, spectators donned sunglasses to protect against the glare coming off the visitors' pale legs.
In the end, the temptation of all these lilywhite limbs was too much for one Counties fan. He jumped the fence and lowered Scottish hooker Colin Deans in a copybook tackle. He drew a roar of approval; this was far more entertaining than Counties losing to the Lions.
The Lions took it rather well at first - you don't see this sort of thing at Twickers, old boy - before other tacklers emerged from the crowd to lower a Lion as this new sport rapidly gained in popularity. Finally, the Lions reserves elected to protect themselves and a scuffle broke out near the dead ball line.
The next day, at least one newspaper in Britain did not run the story of 'Impressive win over top NZ team' but instead ran the headline: 'Lions in shameful brawl', underlining how easy it can be for tours to go off the rails as well as the sometimes rather weird priorities of journalism.
Eddie Butler, rugby writer for the Observer, was one of those reserves, having flown out as a replacement. He returned, poor chap, in 2005 with Sir Clive Woodward's Lions who became the next Lions team to be whitewashed 3-0 in a controversial and rather spiteful tour here.
Before that 2005 tour, Butler wrote: "It's possible that this attachment to the dear, but rather rudimentary, old game may hint at a civilisation somewhat removed from the promotion playoffs of the cultural league table but it doesn't half make the task of going there 10 times more demanding. The Lions are on a tour; the All Blacks are on a mission."
We used to cop a lot of that from various British rugby writers; patricians reminding us of our colonial past and cultural paucity in a way that seemed calculated to offend. However, just as you don't get Kiwi rugby fans hurtling from the crowd to tackle visiting players these days, you don't get much of that sort of colonial overlord bollocks either. It's a bit hard to be superior when the count of test matches won in the last three Lions tours here since 1983 reads: All Blacks 9, Lions 1.
The point of all this - yes, it took a while, didn't it? - is to make a plea to our fans to (a) be good hosts to the Lions and (b) rark them up a bit. If they seem contradictory goals, let me explain. Lions coach Warren Gatland started this off when he had a crack at us last month for booing Quade Cooper and used the word "arrogant" to describe the loss of Kiwi humility.
He had a point - though we got a big dose of humility in the next test when Ireland beat the All Blacks fair and square after 111 years of trying. Cooper is also fading internationally, so to all the peanut-brains still booing him: Don't. It's like cheering at a funeral...
The guy to the right clearly forgot to bring the UCE sign. Photo / Getty
But we Kiwis are shy in comparison with the rest of the world. Even in big matches, we sit like statues, nervously shuffling our feet while waiting for the dire old Mexican wave to come round. Humility? We are so bleedin' humble, it hurts ... So when someone like Cooper comes along, he is an unfortunate recipient of our desire to express our nationalism but our inability to do so with any kind of wit.
In rugby terms, we maybe know the game a little too well (or is that a trickle of arrogance seeping out?); we tend to analyse what is going on rather than hoot and holler. Our stadia are routinely criticised for lacking atmosphere, especially when full of us.
The 2017 Lions supporters will rev things up, you watch. There are few better fans in the world. At the 2003 Rugby World Cup, the British and Irish fans brought song and good humour to proceedings, bringing the best out of the Australians. The 'Poms' were everywhere - singing, chanting, taking the mickey out of passing Aussies. The only real worry was when the sun came out and the shirts came off. It looked like a convention of sand-blasted tomatoes.
Yet when the Lions toured here in 2005, I had the misfortune to witness, at a city intersection, a group of Kiwis giving it to some Lions fans in a manner that had little to do with banter. We still have a bit to learn.
Humour is the key and I live in hope that the same sense of mischief that saw Counties fans tackling the cream of British rugby finds its way into voice - maybe something like the British football chants which greeted former Liverpool striker Luis Suarez (a man with a pronounced overbite) with the tuneful news that his teeth were offside.
Childish? Absolutely. Politically incorrect? Often. But you have a cold, dead heart if you don't find some of it funny. New Zealand rugby and fans need a bit of that.
