KEY POINTS:
There's nothing else for it: it's time to re-float the Rainbow Warrior.
Having taken two decades off to serve as a popular Northland diving attraction, it's time for the once potent symbol of conscientious objection to return to its original duties.
It might be 11 years since the last French nuclear test in the South Pacific, but it seems the islands of these fair waters are still viewed by European powers as ideal testing grounds. Only this time it's not Francois Mitterrand wanting to let off bombs and let us deal with the fallout, it's the IRB.
I refer, of course, to their request that experimental laws (ELVs) be trialled in next year's Super 14.
On the face of it, that might not seem like such an unreasonable request.
Rugby's laws have been more or less constantly evolving since the game started.
Doubtless there are still people out there who pine for the days when the ball could be kicked out on the full from anywhere and the All Blacks' most effective scrum move was the wheel and dribble.
But I'm not one of them. You can't halt progress. If rugby wants to turn itself into a cross between league and sevens, that's fine by me.
But what I object to is the notion of the Super 14 as a perfect testing ground at a time when the Northern Hemisphere's full commitment to trialling the ELVs is a cup competition in Scotland and a brief run in England's amateur county championship.
There is, of course, a good reason why the ELVs aren't being extensively aired in Europe: most of them have absolutely no chance of being adopted there.
With interest in the game here apparently on the wane, and the threat from other codes such as league ever-present, adopting rules with the potential to jazz up the game's entertainment value makes plenty of sense. But Europe, and England in particular, are facing no such pressures.
England just made their second World Cup final in a row playing plodding, entertainment-free rugby. Their fans lapped it up. Give it a boot Jonny and all that. Merchandise sales went through the roof and the nation's posh people once again adopted a slave work song as their unofficial national anthem. Strange but true.
Even before their thrilling Cup run, England's RFU was awash with cash.
Last year their revenues were up 25 per cent to £103.7 million ($281 million) and operating profits up 73 per cent to £28.1 million. The cash returns from broadcasting, ticketing and hospitality also breached record levels.
If money talks, people in England are shouting loud and clear that they actually like the game the way it is. So why would the RFU have any interest at all in these rule changes?
If the Northern Hemisphere doesn't want the changes, they won't happen.
Sure, we might end up with the corner flags moved off the paint and the offside line moved back at scrum time, but the fundamental changes to the ruck and the move to free kicks instead of penalties will never wash with northern countries.
So what's the point in subjecting our premier professional competition to a destabilising, messy trial process when the upshot is likely to be a return to the status quo?
Surely enough damage was done to the Super 14 last year.
It's time to unfurl the "Don't muck with the ruck" banners and take to the streets. And if we can't resurrect the Rainbow Warrior to ship an advance party to Europe to voice our concerns, perhaps that Speights pub boat could be used for another trip?
I'm up for it. Who is with me?
