Peter Fitzsimons: Hey! Time to get real - you lose

COMMENT

New Zealand, this is going to hurt me more than it does you. There are two kinds of people in this world: those who like to take a whole minute to carefully pull the sticking plaster off a wounded knee, and those who like to just rip it off in half a second. You will find me in the latter category. Ready? Here goes.

Your blokes are going to lose tonight. Not necessarily lose, as in by 20 points or anything, but just generally have a normal standard-brand kind of loss, as has become a kind of cherished Bledisloe tradition in recent years.

Yes'm, despite all the positive prognostications, and ignoring the fact that the Wallabies are playing away from home; irrespective of the fact that we are missing the likes of George Gregan, we're still going to beat you.

When you think about it, you know it and I know it.

You know and I know that just about every time in the last few years when you were all but guaranteed to beat the Wallabies, you didn't.

You know and I know that every time the game has come down to just a couple of points, it's generally been our blokes who got the money. (And here's a special cheerio to you, John Eales, with fond memories of that kick at the Cake Tin, last time. Cue the soccer World Cup South American commentator: GOAAAAAAAAAL!)

You know and I know that last week against the Pacific Islanders the All Blacks didn't remotely approach their form against England five weeks ago, while our blokes have been getting better at every outing.

No, look, don't tell me I don't know what I'm talking about. This is not just mindless pro-Australian gibbering on my part.

As a matter of fact, you're talking to a bloke here who was so confident - soooooooo confident - that the All Blacks would win the last time they played the Wallabies in the World Cup semifinals that I made public my declaration.

How public?

Well, how does the front page of the Sydney Morning Herald sound?

The day before that semi, I wrote, and I quote: "For most of this season, the absolute die-hard Australian rugby supporters have maintained variously that the Wallabies are either foxing or playing possum, insisting that as very cunning professionals they have pursued a deliberate policy of hiding their true strengths, until when it counts most in these final stages of the World Cup. Which is as maybe.

"At this moment however, the very real possibility arises that the incumbent World Champions will finish the year as mere road-kill, their only impact a slight thud on the bumper bar of an All Black juggernaut hurtling into the World Cup final and intent on destroying all in its way."

And you know the rest, don't you?

How do you think it made me feel when the Wallabies then came out and trounced the All Blacks, thrashed them, belted them, pushed the pack all over the park like a squeaky shopping trolley, and made the backline look like garden gnomes as the bulls of Pamplona rushed through? Huh? Huh? HUH?!

I'll tell you how I felt. I felt humiliated, that's how I felt.

Well, no more. You lot can put your faith in this generation of All Blacks to win the really big one if you like - your blood practically dictates that you must - but I have learned my lesson. Never, ever again no more, never, never no more.

Oh, stop weeping like that - you're reminding me of that World Cup semi again - and let me cheer you up with a few thoughts:

1. It's only a game. (True, it's your national game, and the one you set most store by, but let's not focus on that now.)

2. You live in one of the most physically beautiful lands in all the world. See Oamaru and die. (Rather like your scrum will tonight, come to think of it.)

3. Even when you lose, you can still look to the fact that you will have got up the Australians' noses by once again having your singer stuff up our national anthem. (Gets us every single time!)

4. It's still not all over. Just because you will lose the first round of the Bledisloe tonight doesn't mean it's all over. (At full strength, the Wallabies at Sydney's Olympic Stadium are hell on earth, but you just never know. Greece won Euro 2004, so there must be hope for you yet..)

Anyway, love to stay and chat, but must go. There's a blue in Sydney between our city council and the Government over who is going to pay for the ticker-tape parade when our blokes get home, and they want my help to sort it out.

Cheers, big-ears. Over and out.

* Rugby writer Peter Fitzsimons is a former Wallaby lock.