Paul Lewis: No Rog, it's not all white

Some years back, I went to Wimbledon. To the Pavilion, no less. Lashings of strawberries and cream and even more champagne.

As will happen, all that champagne had to go somewhere and I found myself in the loo. No surprises there. Well, actually, there was. The man standing next to me at the urinal wore the garb of a vicar - black everything with a little white dog collar.

I can see him now. Sadly. Ewww. For the Reverend was busily engaged in an activity not normally associated with vicars. You've seen Dawn French in The Vicar of Dibley. Well, this guy was the vicar of diddling... what was once termed, by a crude associate, as burping the worm.

I still don't know whether he was a real vicar or someone dressed as one but I can distinctly recall the pleasure he took when he noticed that I'd noticed. I got the hell out of there before the bolt of lightning arrived.

This nasty little episode remains the most surprising thing I have ever seen at Wimbledon.

Until, that is, Roger Federer arrived in a Bee Gees costume on opening day last week.

At least I think that's what it was. Or maybe he'd pinched some surviving numbers from Liberace's old wardrobe. The bag was gold and matched his shoes. Lovely.

His ensemble was all white - a jacket with a high collar and long white trousers, opening to show off a waistcoat and the wholesale effect was something quite disturbing. What, no cape?

The Fed was obviously well pleased with the gold-edged monogrammed get-up Nike had designed for him. Many of the rest of us thought he looked like a cross between the Bee Gees, Liberace, Captain Kirk of the Enterprise and a cabin steward off the Queen Mary 2 who'd nicked Liz Taylor's handbag.

Rog, man, what are you doing?

You are on the verge of greatness, with everyone expecting, wanting, you to become Wimbledon champion and break Pete Sampras' record of 14 Grand Slam titles - and you turn up looking like a man waiting outside a Las Vegas chop shop for his pink Cadillac to be pimped.

Small wonder memories of the Vicar of Diddly came rushing back.

I know Wimbledon has a high fashion element to go along with the tennis but such things often denote a sportsperson who has lost touch with the fans.

Win the tournament, Rog, lose the suit.

SPEAKING OF losing touch with the fans, Steve Tew and the NZRU have done it again over poor ticket sales ahead of last night's test against Italy, although Tew at least wasn't decked out in some gold-trimmed adidas safari suit, carrying a handbag.

Though maybe he should. He'd not attract any more criticism (and might even deflect some...) after hinting that Christchurch's test future could be in jeopardy after yet more poor crowds.

This was as popular in Canterbury as planeloads of Aucklanders coming down and patting them on the head and saying what quaint little villagers they all are and it's a crying shame their children turn into boy racers and how so many women end up in the Avon river.

The inability of the Cantabs to pull a good crowd is, apparently, a bit of a mystery. Tew points out that even more desirable test matches have failed to draw a full house to whatever Christchurch's stadium is called these days.

The reasons why have been painfully evident for some time now - and let's not even get into how cold it gets in the grandstands on a Christchurch winter night; the cost of tickets; and the fact that a decent slice of Canterbury still feels that Robbie Deans should be parking his butt where Graham Henry's is.

* Over the years, the audience has seen the "product" dulled. There is too much rugby, much of it meaningless or repetitive; the rules are almost unfathomable; and the anticipation around, and aura of, the game has been dealt a blow.

* The NZRU seems barely to care about ground attendances - they are often sparse these days at Air New Zealand Cup, Super 14 and even test levels.Instead they have cast their financial lot with TV and their partner-in-crime, Sky, and they happily assign test matches to night kickoffs because that's where the audiences are; where the money is.

Sky help by keeping shots of deserted seats to a minimum. This does not escape fans, who are not stupid.

* All over the country, people are buying Sky decoders and are settling in to watch the footy on TV. Having created this dynamic, the NZRU can hardly complain re attendances.

* The June test windows are normally particularly uninteresting, consisting of weakened Northern Hemisphere teams and less than brilliant rugby. Italy, even with a full-strength side, are just an extension of that - fans are still being asked to swallow lesser fare.

* Rotation still exists - the All Blacks had six changes from the last test against France. Fans want to see the best players taking on the best.

If Tew and the NZRU want a full house in Christchurch, I'd bet the mortgage they'd get one with Deans vs Henry; Wallabies vs All Blacks - but that's gone to Eden Park this year.

As for the tactic of hinting at removing tests from Christchurch because of a lack of "community support", it's like acupuncturists complaining that people don't like having needles stuck in them.

Tew swears it wasn't a threat but if signalling the tests may go because of poor patronage isn't threatening, then my bottom is a marshmallow and Steve Tew might as well be standing next to the vicar at Wimbledon.