Paul Lewis: Cheating barbs laughable

Former Wallabies coach Bob Dwyer. Photo / Getty Images

There's an old joke which goes something like this: "Doctor, doctor, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home."

"Oh, that's easy, you've got Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is that bad?"

"It's not unusual."

I mention this only after belly laughing this week at Bob Dwyer's grumpy allegations that the All Blacks are the biggest cheats in the universe and that no remedy can be expected while New Zealander Paddy O'Brien is head of the world's refs.

Stop, stop ... I can't stand it; no more laughing, please. Dear old Dwyer, a very former Wallaby rugby coach, might be taken more seriously if he didn't have such a, well, vested interest in things.

Not only is he a rabid Aussie fan, if you google Dwyer, you find a website where he offers all manner of coaching services.

The lead article is breathlessly entitled 'Italian camps programme hailed as great success! (more to follow on Facebook and Twitter)'.

It is accompanied by a picture of Bob, once labelled 'Barb Dwyer' ('barbed wire' ... because he was so tough on his players when he coached in the UK), with a caption that says: 'A warm welcome from Bob Dwyer'. The effect is ruined a little because Bob's photo has him with a face looking like he's just sucked a lemon out of a dead camel's bum.

So you'd have to say Bob has a bit of an interest in getting his name out in the wild blue yonder; attracting attention with outlandish statements.

If you believe Dwyer's Wallabies always played to the letter of the law, well then, here, please read this Nigerian letter and send it off, complete with your bank details.

Whatever the faults of we Kiwi rugby fans - and we have a few - I can't remember any of us frothing at the mouth and calling opponents cheats. There is the possible dishonourable exception of that gubbins about Suzy the waitress at the 1995 Rugby World Cup.

We might be poor losers but we generally don't call the other blokes cheats and suggest conspiracies - which is what Barb and Boks coach Peter de Villiers did.

Wayne Barnes? I think you'll find the accusation there was incompetence, not cheating. Even when the French stampeded past the All Blacks in that epic World Cup loss in 1999, Kiwis didn't focus on French testicle-grabbing, surreptitious punches, stomping and other illegalities, like breathing noxious clouds of garlic over our poor warriors. Nope, we wanted to know why our blokes hadn't done that.

Dwyer joins a long list of coaches this week who have attracted attention for all the wrong reasons - de Villiers, Noeline Taurua (or more correctly her partner, Edward Goldsmith) and Robbie Deans, who is being put under pressure by many, including Dwyer.

De Villiers' eccentricities have been well-chronicled. So help me, when I think of de Villiers now, my mind keeps leaping to the completely unrelated self-styled guru in London jailed recently for rape and who told one of his beguiled victims that his penis was "organic and enlightening".

It's difficult to contemplate a penis that is not organic ... but enlightening? I'm warning you, fellas, don't try and use it to see in the dark. Not a sausage, if you get my drift.

Please note - this is in no way meant to allude that de Villiers is in any way culpable of or capable of such things. That is clearly not so.

It's just that he has said so many odd things now that "organic and enlightening" almost seems as if it could be one of his.

It's almost as ridiculous as rugby's oh-so-precious overseers dragging him into a tribunal to explain himself and to punish him when he clearly can do more damage to himself all by himself.

As for Edward Goldsmith and his foul-mouthed email rant at Dana Johannsen of the New Zealand Herald over her criticism of the Magic netball team, this stuff happens all the time. Not necessarily from the partners of coaches but from fans.

Sportswriters have to cop a fair bit of this - it's one person's opinion versus another, when all is said and done.

But those who have to state their disagreement with abusive language are often sad cases who probably can't express themselves properly and attack the person, not the issue.

As for players who boycott sportswriters, as the Magic did to Johannsen, that too is part of the territory. Sportswriters have to put up with it, from time to time, if they are doing their job (honestly held critical analysis).

As for the Magic players, if they really think boycotting the media is a good idea, they need to go sit in a darkened room and hope for enlightenment - not of the organic variety, of course, even though that's what they may now be perceived to have acted like.

Which brings us to Deans. It's an unenviable record: the 'losingest' Wallaby coach to the All Blacks. Dean's tenure began just after the expansion of the Tri Nations and the Bledisloe. Australia now play the All Blacks and the Boks three or four times each a season. Wonder what previous Aussie coaches' records - like Barb's - would have looked like if they'd had to do the same?

Deans is still building a side and looking for talent. That he has used close on 30 players in three years is testimony to that and another fact - the current crop of Australian rugby players is short on depth and quality.

Just look at the props and locks - a systemic problem long before Deans got there. It also wasn't Deans that slapped the ball out of All Black hands and got sent off last weekend. That was Drew Mitchell, still a dumb-ass thing to do, even if the punishment was over the top.

Some of Deans' selections have been strange (Dean Mumm, Richard Brown ahead of Scott Higginbotham) and the loss of confidence of the talented Matt Giteau and Berrick Barnes has happened on his watch.

But balance that with the advances being shown by the likes of Will Genia and Quade Cooper; factor in the injuries plaguing them; and the Wallabies don't seem quite so badly off.

Gosh, and who was it who developed All Blacks like McCaw, Carter, Thorn, and Corey Flynn (a try scorer last weekend)? The Franks brothers and Kieran Read came later but were still subject to the gospel that St Robbie handed down on the Port Hills.

Dropping Deans now would be daft and would call to mind another Tom Jones song; one he nicked from Talking Heads - Burning Down The House.