KEY POINTS:
What Is it with the haka? Why do we always choose at international sporting events to roll it out endlessly - it's like, "I'm a Kiwi, hear me roar".
I've seen the New Zealand Parliamentarians perform it with vigour after they won the Parliamentary world cup held in Paris, the Classic All Blacks do a traditional edition, and two lots of ex-pat Kiwis wheel it out in the streets. And you know what I mean when I say it's not the best, seeing drunk Kiwis, with no sense of rhythm, trying to get the body slaps right in time with the words.
I am, of course, talking about Ka Mate, famous since 1905 when The Originals performed it before a game against the Welsh; infamous, because as legend has it, the composer, Te Rauparaha, was hiding after killing and eating some travellers yet escaped retribution.
It's not my favourite haka, being of Kai Tahu descent - the South Island iwi that Te Rauparaha was pretty successful at killing, eating and raping. Well now locals here in France are bastardising it for the duration of the World Cup.
There is a Toyota ad on at the moment that has beautiful, but non-descript Polynesian dancers performing a rehash of the haka in battle against the French, and of course there was Jean Paul Gaultier's use of the moko to release his latest collection, which caused a few discussions this week. But what really makes me cringe are the workshops at Musee du quai Branly which teaches Ka Mate to keen locals, including women.
Personally, I think it's great that a small part of Maori culture is so well known. It would be fabulous if the French join in chanting Ka Mate when it's performed ahead of a match, but I've always been taught that women don't mimic the male actions - tongue poking, wide stance, etc.
Yes, we could get with the modern world and break tradition, but I'm not keen to do so - my taua (grandmother) would kill me.
Parisian anthropologist Anne Christine Taylor explained to me that the French fascination with the haka is because of their interest in indigenous and native cultures. Paris, in particular, is a learned society and Musee du quai Branly is choosing to celebrate the World Cup by having, among haka workshops, anthropological discussions on rugby.
This is all quite deep and I've had to experiment with various bottles of rose to cope. Just like my new mate Paul Saundercock who lives in Paris, who used to be a typical Kiwi bloke and drank only beer, my taste buds are developing.
He says discovering good wine was the beginning of the end. Thanks to his wife Fran working for the New Zealand embassy here, he is the housewife. And he loves it. They have also introduced me to Kir Royale (blackcurrant liqueur with champagne) and cheap champagne. $20 NZ a bottle, I'm in heaven - but only if I don't see another haka on the street for another week - please.
