Graham Lowe: It's all gone a bit flat

If you've still got an old school tie in the wardrobe, think there's something wonderful about "crouch, hold, engage" or still believe the All Blacks are a world-class sports team, DO NOT read on.

Exposure to this column could well bring on the type of "mental anxiety" in true blue rugby fans that All Black forward coach Steve Hansen has identified in the current outfit, which wound up its season with a loss to the only-recently judged hopeless and written-off Springboks.

I've been around footballers for a long time and thought I'd seen or heard of every medical or psychological condition they could suffer.

But this one has, fair dinkum, got me beat.

So too has New Zealand's fixation with a game that seems designed for mostly mediocre athletes and which is almost always played at about that skill level.

I'm aware that this is likely to be greeted with outrage by the faithful hordes who turn out relentlessly during the New Zealand winter, and follow the national team all over the world.

Hells bells, I might never be allowed into Eden Park again.

Well cop this as well: my view is that rugby does not even come close to league as a spectacle, a showcase of skills and stamina, and a platform for 80 minutes of excitement.

The argument from the die-hard rah-rahs usually doing the rounds at this time of year is that (if) the standard of league is better, it's because the NRL is in its finals series and there's not much doing on the rugby scene.

Well, we've just laboured through a whole programme of international rugby and we haven't yet seen a league semifinal.

Last Saturday night I made the logical choice for any father of 3-year-old twins and recorded the All Blacks-Springbok test and the Manly-Storm NRL match.

The league provided almost non-stop action, quality passing and handling, certain defence and a referee who was virtually anonymous.

The rugby looked like just another in a series of the very ordinary efforts we have seen throughout the much-hyped Tri-Nations series. Boring, appalling handling and yet another prima donna referee.

The first stoppage came after 42 seconds and, from then on, the whistle went more often than a traffic policeman's in Bangkok.

I gave up counting after 35 stoppages in the first half - some for almost two minutes at a time. When the supposed tough guys of the front row needed a breather or were pushed on defence, they just sat down and the whole game came to a standstill while someone came on to rub water on a knee or a calf.

The referee looked as though he was enjoying a much-needed break - shades of the official I heard tell the players during a game recently: "Let's just slow it down, fellas!"

In league you sit down at your team's peril because the game will just continue around you.

Take Richie McCaw and Dan Carter off the field and you're left with, well ... not much really.

The All Black lineout is a farce.

These guys are full-time professional footballers who have as much time to practise as Tiger Woods or Roger Federer.

What I saw repeatedly in the lineouts was to me, akin to Tiger peppering one of his rounds with two or three air-shots.

Mental anxiety? Sure, if you're talking about Hansen contemplating whether he will retain his job.

Is this really how the world's best side should be handling basic skills in such a vital part of the game? Hansen is now asking the nation to get behind the effort to improve the lineout.

Here's an original thought: for a start, what about only picking players who can throw the ball in properly, and others who can jump and catch a football at the same time? Perhaps he can also explain why we're seeing jersey numbers one to five parked outside the wings so often when speed, not bulk, is required.

While I'm warmed up, it's a mystery to me why no one has ever complained under the Fair Trading Act about rugby's ludicrous advantage law.

It's ridiculous to see the law applied for anything up to 90 seconds before the referee decides to take the play back to where an advantage was gained.

From what I can see, the clock isn't then wound back 90 seconds. So that period of meaningless play is lost, irrelevant and dispensed with.

Up to a dozen of these situations occur in every game - I'd be asking for my money back for the meaningless minutes!

Certainly rugby has found itself under some fire this season, and a call I had this week from a well-known rugby identity confirmed my suspicions that there are more than a few ex-All Blacks unhappy with Graham Henry's rotation policy, which is cheapening the jersey.

But I suspect there has been a lot of embarrassment about Henry's intention to approach the IRB about the issue of protecting key players on the field. Can anyone imagine this being the case with former great All Black forwards such as Colin Meads, Kel Tremain, Ian Kirkpatrick and co?

These guys were all more than useful at looking after their own and sorting their own issues out on the field, thanks very much.

For those whose anger-meter is now red-lining, don't get me wrong. I'm not absolutely anti-rugby.

But those of us with a long heritage of having to suffer the prejudices of our schoolteachers because we opted to play league instead of 1st XV rugby (I was refused a reference for my sins) still feel the extraordinary bias against the 13-man game.

And to finish, a true story.

In 1992, the All Blacks went down 19-17 to Australia at Ballymore. The loss hit New Zealand Rugby hard and one of the union's board sponsors and a mate of mine, Kevin Roberts (always one to think out of the square), asked me if I could arrange for our Manly statisticians to analyse a videotape of the All Black players' performances.

When the results came back, I was gobsmacked and instructed our guys to do the exercise again.

Back they came with the same result: Half the All Blacks didn't feature in the stats.

Remember, they were being analysed against the criteria required by Manly to gauge player performances.

The analysts were staggered at the poor individual stats. At least one player failed to register a single tackle, or run with the ball.

I called Roberts and told him I didn't think he could show the results to the team - it would be too demoralising.

I don't know to this day whether he did.

Suffice to say, the massed media looking on saw the game as an absorbing and titanic struggle. Now that's the sort of blinkered thinking and bias that causes me "mental anxiety".


Rematch to set the pulses racing

Two weeks ago in the first round of the Fox Memorial finals, Northcote and Papakura fought out a thriller, won by Papakura in the dying minutes.

This week they will be at it again, fighting for a spot in the Lion Red-sponsored grand final on September 17 against minor premiers Mt Albert.

This time they meet on neutral turf at Mt Smart Stadium and Northcote will be after revenge.

The Tigers' confidence will be up after defeating a gallant Otahuhu last weekend.

Northcote will be seeking repeat performances from Jamie Cook and Lewis Stokes in the halves and Darren Himiona, Darren Herbert and Dylan Moses in the forwards.

Papakura lost to Mt Albert last week in another close game. The Sea Eagles will be ruing the fact they couldn't convert any of their tries, a telling factor in their two-point loss. Papakura have a tough, balanced side and with Afoa Fangubu, Damien Valeli and Solomon Foki in good form and, on paper, they should be good enough to win.

In the end it could all come down to two players, both goal kickers and exciting players with the ball in hand - Northcote's Kevin Locke and Papakura's Tristan Waipouri, the competition's leading goal-kicker. Who ever sparks tomorrow will lead his team to the grand final.

There are two major semi-finals at Mt Smart No 2 tomorrow.

The Fox Memorial match starts at 2.30pm and the curtain raiser, which is the Sharman Cup game between Papatoetoe and Howick, kicks off at 12.45pm.