KEY POINTS:
Clint Eastwood is set to tackle the 1995 Rugby World Cup but Hollywood would need Stephen King to take charge if it wanted any chance of portraying the Springbok horrors in Cape Town last weekend.
As art critics around the world excitedly ponder whether Eastwood might reprise his
grimmest Dirty Harry face to bring Laurie Mains to life at a cinema near you, rugby pundits can only wonder how South Africa's latest World Cup guns have so quickly turned into pea shooters.
Even David Hasselhoff and a load of his bimbos with built-in flotation would have trouble rescuing the world champions from sinking beyond trace on the latest performance.
We should all politely bow towards China right now, because at least the five-ringed circus put a dampener on the All Blacks' 19-0 win in the Tri-Nations creepy.
Keeping South Africa scoreless on their home turf was historic, but not nearly as much as having to turn 16 pages into a Sunday newspaper to find a report on it.
One writer portrayed the post-match All Blacks as clinical hitmen walking away from an execution, failing to mention that the victors had merely drilled a couple of small holes into a pile of rigor mortis.
South African rugby has rarely reached such a low point in skill and attitude, and the triumphal spirit which destroyed the previous world champions England is now taking hold in a country that used to pride itself on the most redoubtable of sporting attitudes.
Just as Tinseltown's toughest cowboy has strolled down the main street, the citizens have all turned yeller.
These are the sort of slapstick capers you'd expect out of Welsh rugby or an Olympic opening ceremony but not those hard-hearted defenders of all things staunch in rugby.
Yet you knew all was lost for South Africa and their squawking coach Pieter de Villiers when Percival Colin Montgomery, as his jersey proudly portrayed, ran out from the tunnel alone to be tackled by his young kids to celebrate his 100th test.
It's all very modern and touchy-feely sharing these great moments with the family, but letting dad do a decent day's work first is a much more advisable policy.
When personal glory has so obviously eaten into team ethos, then all bets are off and well before the incomparable Richie McCaw has started exposing this emergency at the breakdown.
It later emerged that this South African side had joyfully donned blond Percy wigs for a team photo the day before the match. They won't be the last sporting warriors to lose focus, but they might be the first to have pulled the rug out from under themselves by placing it on their heads.
What a strategy, firing up a prop called the Beast by turning him into a beauty. Hey big fella, did you remember your mascara?
So much for lore: the great stories of South African players who worked themselves into a changing-room frenzy. Those rugged old characters must be scratching their heads at these men of toupee.
Save for putting on party hats and eating little boerewors on sticks at their Saturday breakfast, it's hard to imagine how the Springboks could have botched Percy's party plans more than they did.
Even little kids know that you've got to put in hard work playing hide and seek before scoffing on the celebratory cream cake.
The Springboks opened the game with a deluge of unfathomable errors and finished by handing Keven Mealamu a try that not only came on a plate, but had a dessert trolley attached. What they offered in between was hardly better.
Even the returning Fourie du Preez, easily the best halfback in rugby, was infected by the build-up and played like a clown.
It has to be said again that if these world champions continue to base their game around a plodding first five-eighths they are headed for ruin. The Springboks were so bad on Sunday morning, however, that even "Botch" James wasn't out of place.
The serious question from the All Blacks' point of view is why they couldn't put 40 points on a team in this much disarray and missing their ironmen Bakkies Botha and John Smit, who would have demanded the Boks put up a fight.
The answer is simple. Take out McCaw and Dan Carter and you are left with a second-rate All Black test mob who regard innovative, clever attack as occasional icing rather than a serious part of the cake.
Two moments of magic from these two great players were needed to settle the score, which would have remained at 12-0 but for South Africa's comical attempt at playing catch-up.
But for McCaw and Carter's intervention, this test could have been even more historic and ended up as a 0-0 draw.
It's so fashionable to overly praise courage and defence as if spectators fork out wads of cash only to witness mandatory brute force. Football in all its shapes and forms should be much more than that and as world champions, South Africa were embarrassing ambassadors for the 15-man game and New Zealand not much better. Can clever passing really be so passe?
Not only should the Cape Town faithful, who turned up in exceptional numbers, consider asking for their money back, but Rupert Murdoch might wonder if rugby is worth entertaining after all.
Little wonder, then, that rugby is fawning all over Sonny Bill Williams and Mark Gasnier while setting its sights on others such as Greg Inglis because without getting a league up, the union code is almost devoid of players who can break tackles and get a great pass away. Australia might turn rugby on its ear with a raid on the Melbourne Storm backline alone.
Who knows if the converts will succeed in the other demands of rugby, but luring them is well worth a go when you consider what two of the best rugby teams in the world brought to the table at Cape Town.
Because apart from McCaw's sublime kick for Conrad Smith's try, and that sensational piece of magic from Carter where he finished off the South African basket cases with a blind dunk, this was modern rugby at its kick-crazy, penalty-punctuated, forgettable worst conducted by a referee who lacked authority and had to be talked through the rules.
The Springboks were lucky to get nil, screamed the scribes with good reason. Sadly, they should also have scrawled that the All Blacks were almost as fortunate to get 19.
* Full marks to Sky television in getting live coverage (on their Rugby Channel) of Sonny Bill Williams' first proper rugby match for Toulon. Williams is a rat for what he did to his Bulldogs league teammates, but facts are facts and the public can't get enough of him. Personally, I hope this over-rated big-head falls flat on his face - and if Williams contributes to Toulon what he did at the Dogs, then Tana Umaga's club can look forward to a quick return to the second division while SBW sails into another glorious sunset charioted by his low-class mates. Because as sure as Michael Phelps, if things go belly up then SBW won't be hanging around to help clean up the mess.
Let down by everybody around him and determined to seek the life that he alone - the wondrous Sonny Bill - fully deserves, he will bravely take on another of life's challenges at yet another club whose every breath is taken in his name. But even for those of us who can't stand this immature manifestation of sporting selfishness and greed, Williams is still fascinating to follow and watch.
