Chris Rattue: Call to arms: Ask not what your All Blacks can do for you...

"Lineouts in New Zealand aren't great and we've got to work together as a nation to fix it."

The world doesn't stand a chance now. Thanks to these Churchillian words from the All Blacks assistant coach Steve Hansen, the World Cup is as good as ours. We'll fight the enemy in the bleachers.

Hansen has unleashed the passion of a nation upon the rugby world - the black tide that sweeps through Europe next year will be infused with the blood, sweat and tears of the ordinary folk who have always made this game of rugby great in this great land.

This is a land of infinite rugby wisdom, and who can tell what sort of helpful hints are available out there. We are now on red alert, and South Africa and Australia will rue the very many days when they set about wrecking The Lineout and embarrassing this humble nation.

But first, the man we should feel really sorry for is Robin Brooke, who gallantly dropped his grocer's apron to help The Lineout a few weeks ago, and has now been joined by four million others, many of whom play soccer and mah-jong.

Brooke, a great All Black, deserved better, like not getting lumbered with trying to fix The Lineout in the first place. Brooke should get a court injunction, and have this wiped from his record.

And so, the All Blacks have turned to the nation. From the park bench to the boardroom, this country is full of citizens who just want to help. What we've been waiting for has been this call to arms, the invitation to do our bit.

While the Rugby Union draws up its battle plan, a campaign that we understand will be called Give Your Lineout a Lift, here are a few things we can all get on with:

* Sell chocolate bars. The national tradition when you want to raise anything, and The Lineout definitely needs raising.

New Zealand could raise the Titanic by selling chocolate. Our education system will suffer but the long-term benefits of winning the World Cup will more than compensate for that.

There's not much point in having a country full of kids who can read and write, when they can't read and write about winning the World Cup.

* Check the attic to see if you've got any old Peter Whitings. If you have, ring your local rugby union. It's unlikely that anyone there will have heard of Peter Whiting, but be persistent. If your union refuses to show an interest, offer to buy a season ticket. That always gets their attention.

* Play thundersticks. Thunderstick therapy is standard in New Zealand sport when anything goes wrong.

* Start an immigration campaign. Hound your local MP. The problem is we've gone headhunting in countries where people are notoriously short. If you think The Lineout is in trouble now, just imagine it in a couple of decades' time. Two good targets: Dutch people and Masai warriors.

The Dutch are sitters for this, because they are still tall when they sit down.

The Masai tend to wander a bit, always looking for better pastures, but that hasn't stopped Rico Gear getting to the top.

A note of warning: people in Tauranga should fudge the issue of the Masai dress-sense when approaching their MP. It's probably best that Bob Clarkson finds out the finer details later, given his response to people wearing burqas in banks.

We know Bob fears people who cover up too much, but then again the Masai might show too much shoulder for Bob's liking. If Clarkson does raise the issue of dress, allay his fears by pointing out that Masai warriors would be absolute superstars on bank security videos. Also emphasise that any Masai wandering up the street with a motorcycle helmet on would raise immediate suspicions.

* Suggestion boxes at rugby grounds. Yes, yes - what about a website, I hear you ask? Well this campaign is all about traditional values, about going back to the old days, when we had suggestion boxes, mud, curtain-raisers and a decent lineout.

* Community noticeboards. Obviously we all must get to provincial grounds to cheer our local lineout and challenge its members - especially the All Blacks - with the backyard lineout drills we've devised.

The trouble here is it's hard to know when the All Blacks will play. They are being "drip-fed" back into the Air New Zealand Cup and many will be playing golf during most of the Super 14.

Anyone wanting to give Ali Williams a boost can stroll up Ponsonby Rd on a Friday night. Try jumping up and down in front of Ali, obscuring his path to the society-pages' cameras - this will get his feet really moving, an excellent lineout drill. The other members of The Lineout may be a little harder to get hold of - Chris Jack has supposedly fallen in love with a place called Tasman. I have my doubts. Try Christchurch.

Anton Oliver will wander around Central Otago during the Super 14, so unless we can fast-track a couple of Masai warriors in, it's pointless the rest of us trying to track him down in the wilds.

The big hope may be Jerry Collins. It wouldn't be a surprise if Jerry turned out for his club during the Super 14. Of all the All Blacks ordered to prepare for the World Cup by not playing, it will hurt Jerry the most. He doesn't come across as a bloke who will be happy mowing the lawns instead.

The vital thing is this: all rumoured appearances and sightings of members of The Lineout need to be posted on community notice boards.

* Hold a telethon to raise money to start a Lineout School. Suggested telethon game: Andrew Hore throws the ball to Chris Jack and if he catches it, we all pledge one dollar. If he doesn't catch it, we all pledge two dollars.

* Sell more chocolate.

Next week: A campaign which aims to get the Rugby Union to ask the nation to help fix the post-match TV interviews.

Painful end to a great career

The great medical misadventure that is the Jonah Lomu comeback continued to plumb the depths at Eden Park last week.

Was it a bird or was it a very plain winger who went diving into thin air as Auckland's David Smith zipped by during the Bumble of the Bridge?

Is this really the way everyone would like to see the great man go out? So put up your dukes, North Harbour. Give Jonah a start, and give us all a chance to see whether his return is genuine, or a cynical publicity stunt. (Another convenient injury might actually save a few blushes).

Then again ...

Jonah's swan dive wasn't any worse than the rest of last Friday's match or the Air New Zealand Cup in general. His alleged "comeback" is more interesting than most of the games, even if he spends most of it sitting on the bench. Apart from the Waikato-Canterbury match, a stirring Ranfurly Shield challenge and patches of Auckland's brilliant attacking work, the competition has been average so far.