Colin Marshall: Poms and their mates give Zilund a bashing

If the infamous Barmy Army did need any help in developing a skewed perception of New Zilund they should be helped on the way by their "Harmonies" tour booklet.

The Kiwi accent, All Blacks players, NZ laws and the national mind-set all get a going-over.

Taking a pop at the accent is just the beginning: "If someone mentions a 'pin' and a 'litter' they do not want to impale some puppies but are merely writing home," the booklet reads.

It also encourages Lions fans to have a go at some of the All Blacks' best and brightest: "Ma'a Nonu wears eye shadow. Dan Carter models underwear. Justin Marshall bleaches his hair. Mils Muliaina has a slack bladder."

Then a cheap shot: "As a last resort bring up sheep molesting (not an option if you're Welsh)."

And, finally, there is an attack on our anti-smoking and pro-civil union legislation.

But you'll have to find a copy of the booklet to find out what that attack is. I can't bring myself to repeat it.

New Zealanders are also quaintly insecure with fragile psyches and "constantly solicit reassurance and approbation".

To give the Barmy Army their due, they finish on some faint, if not incredibly enlightened, praise: "In essence, though, Lions fans should relax and enjoy. The beer is cold, the women are warm and the Lions are going to win."

AFter all that, does anyone feel suck and fency sitting up a pub wuth warm bare and fegs for the Brutush to sick on while the Awl Blecks kuck the Lions' collective shiny white northern arse?

- NZPA