Chris Rattue: Woodward's Lions a mere entree

First, a heartfelt thanks to Sir Clive Woodward and his Lions. Never, in the history of rugby have we owed so much to so many.

The Lions were supposed to be the main course on this year's menu, a sumptuous feast no less. They ended up as watery soup, and also a blank canvas on which the All Blacks painted pretty pictures.

But we shall forever owe Woodward's Wonders a debt of gratitude. They were so bad that they have made the Tri-Nations look very good.

For those of us who like to pontificate about the glory of tradition, it was a well-timed signal that it is time to move on and relish the brave new world.

The remarkable sequel to the Most Eagerly Awaited Tour Since Who Knows When is that the hundreds of camper vans had hardly been handed back before most folk had returned to talking about the weather and traffic jams. Actually, a lot of people started talking about the weather and traffic jams before the tour had even ended.

The Lions didn't need a spin doctor, they needed a surgeon. About halfway through the tour, it was clearly time to squirrel away all reserves of rugby enthusiasm for something that mattered.

So no longer will this column call for a return to the great and glorious tours of the past. For fans of occasions like the Lions v Manawatu, you're on your own now troops.

And, from a newly signed up member of the Tri-Nations Fan Club, a few predictions for this year's series.

1. The All Blacks will win it. We're the best, best, best. South Africa and Australia are #$#@! The All Blacks will crush, maim, kill. We are the greatest, most wonderful and triumphant nation in the history of rugby. If we don't win, sack the coach. (This item has been inserted to annoy Graham Henry.)

2. Jake White will not visit an NRL club. Way too rough for the Springbok coach, with all those nasty league yobbos about who drink 'till dawn while plotting endlessly to destroy the reputation of the Wallabies. Funnily enough, it wasn't too long ago that there were dire predictions about the future of Australian rugby if they didn't sign some league backs. But back to the 'Bok coach ...

Mr White obviously comes from a far superior clan - he's a union man. So it is little wonder that he blamed the Wallabies' problems on their ex-league players. Mind you, while the Ockers may have dropped their standards by selecting despicable chaps who once played the 13-a-side game, at least they only joke about dining out on fellow citizens. This is in stark contrast to a former Springbok, who actually went the whole hog on an All Black's ear.

3. Eddie Jones will face the chop. His main offence of course is that he came from the Brumbies. This does not go down well in New South Wales. But there are other little matters, like the Wallaby wheels seem to be wobbling badly and Jones has trouble winning any matches outside of Australia.

4. The Wallabies will beat the All Blacks, and we'll wonder how. Again.

5. Matt Henjak won't get a call-up. Then again, he's not missing much. It's a thankless task being a Wallaby halfback reserve at the best of times with George Gregan hanging about. It's a wonder Chris Whitaker bothers to lace his boots. Being the reserve to the Wallaby reserve halfback is like being a Scotsman on a Lions tour. That glass was probably the first pass Henjak had thrown on tour.

6. The All Blacks and Wallabies will stay in the wrong cities in South Africa (yes, yes, this has already happened). One of the game's enduring mysteries is that no one seems to know where to stay over there and, according to the locals, invariably get it wrong. Booking a hotel in South Africa should be a subject on offer at the rugby academy.

7. Something weird will occur involving the judiciary. This will be followed by calls for an overhaul of the judiciary in the name of consistency and common sense. This will be followed by nothing.

8. ... and finally, when we win (sorry Graham) we won't be completely happy. It's not allowed.